White House baffles by announcing victory in 'war on protein': 'I thought this was a joke'

The White House declared an end to hostilities in a "war on protein" that many social media users had been unaware even existed.

The administration last week released updated U.S. dietary guidelines aligned with the priorities of Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s “Make America Healthy Again” movement, which emphasizes protein, dairy and healthy fats, along with vegetables and fruit, while whole grains are substantially de-emphasized from previous federal recommendations.

"MAKE AMERICA HEALTHY AGAIN," the White House posted on its official X account, adding a steak emoji, a link to realfood.gov and a moodily shadowed photo of Kennedy with a caption. "We are ending the war on protein."

The announcement met with a baffled reaction online.

"Did we win?" wondered Bluesky user Rebecca Watson.

"You can say Merry Protein again," joked comedian Paul F. Tompkins.

"Protein so scared rn," posted The New Republic's Ana Marie Cox.

"This genuinely confuses me because like... when has there ever been a war on protein?" said pro-vaccine activist Edward Nirenberg.

"No there's definitely a war on protein," posted comedian Sooz Kempner. "There definitely isn't a fitness culture where you're told exactly how much protein to eat according to your weight, you definitely can't get supplements absolutely everywhere."

"They're canceling the 'war on protein' and by that they mean soylent green is people," cracked historian Thomas Lecaque.

"I thought this was a joke but it’s an actual post from the White House: 'we are ending the war on protein,'" posted physician Arghavan Salles. "How about ending the war on the health of this country?"

"Talking about a 'war on protein' like that's even a plausible thing is bending my brain. Like how?" said gaming consultant Ian Boudreau. "Just this morning I had a chocolate milk thing with 42g of protein in it. The entire yogurt section in the store is screaming about it. You can't escape protein."

"The war on protein is asymmetrical warfare and I am a Fiber Guerrilla," joked Bluesky user ML estimated prophet.

"They call us irregulars, but that's just how we fight," added writer Jeb Lund.