Welcome to Blast Zone 66

Welcome to Blast Zone 66, Brooklyn’s ultimate adventure gym/future site of a grim 20/20 news segment. We’re the only place in the city where you can pay between $63-$74 to watch your children come perilously close to spinal injuries and hepatitis A—all to the booming hits of Marshmello.

ATTRACTIONS

Our cavernous, bright purple playspace is truly a kid’s wonderland/ a manifestation of darkest parental nightmares. We feature a wide range of high-flying activities, including:

• unmonitored ziplines
• trampolines crowded with fully grown men clumsily attempting back flips next to toddlers
• forty-foot slides at ridiculously steep angles

Why are the ziplines directly over a concrete floor? Should there be exposed metal pipes in the middle of the trampolines? Are the slides constructed in such a way that the angle and velocity will result in children landing squarely on their necks?

Beats us. We aren’t physicists here, just purveyors of fun.

TICKETS

We recommend purchasing tickets in advance. To access the ziplines, ropes course, roller skating, and rock climbing, please select the “Deluxe BrainBreakerz Package.” To access the slides and ball pit, please select the “Mega Fracturz Package.” To stand in a utility closet and stare at a broken skee-ball machine, please select the “Platinum PoorPerzon Package.”

SAFETY

We value having a kid-powered space, and pride ourselves on having as few staff on hand as possible. But should you need assistance, just look for the nearest plume of cannabis smoke, and someone will be right there to sigh in irritation when you ask them to stop watching a reel of a raccoon drinking Starbucks, and help you untangle your child’s rock climbing harness from a nearby electrical cord.

HYGIENE

Blast Zone 66 has been bringing fun to families for almost two years, so some of our equipment might look a little well-loved. In fact, some of it might look like we nightly release a pack of petroleum-covered hogs to roll around upon it. But we, of course, regularly sanitize our space. You can rest easy knowing that every night before closing, Blakeley at the front desk cleans the counter with a single Clorox wipe while having a loud argument with her boyfriend over FaceTime. Our facility also boasts a state-of-the-art HVAC system and several mysterious bathroom puddles.

ARCADE

We have many exciting games that are both violent and complicated. Be sure to bring plenty of change, so you can watch your seven-year-old scream in frustration for being unable to gun down brain-hungry zombies with a sawed-off shotgun.

REFRESHMENTS

Little tummies rumbling? Keep the “hangry” at bay at our convenient snack bar, where you may purchase a $14 box of Sour Patch Kids and a chemical blue slushee the size of a Samsonite carry-on. Not yet in a glucose coma? Don’t forget to try our fully automated cotton candy machine. Open wide!

DIRECTIONS

We are located directly between the recycling facility and the abandoned mattress warehouse in the deepest depths of the borough. When it looks like you’ve somehow stumbled onto the set of the 1981 film Escape from New York, you’ll know you’re in the right place.

LOUNGE AREA

At Blast Zone 66, we know that parenting is one of the hardest jobs there is, which is why our space also includes an adults-only lounge, featuring warm Budweiser and three sticky metal chairs positioned directly beneath an air conditioner. So kick back and relax while the kiddos play, and give yourself a few blissful minutes to think about how you once studied abroad in Prague, and now you are watching a stranger’s toddler vomit inside a hurricane simulator.

WAIVER

Thinking of suing us? Don’t bother. Once you enter the complex, you will be asked to sign a waiver on a sticky iPad while your overstimulated child pulls at your coat and screams for the ball pit—“NOW.”

So come on down to Blast Zone 66. Your kid was just invited to Caleb’s birthday party here next weekend anyway, so it looks like you’re coming whether you want to or not.