WATCH: Nikki Glaser’s opening monologue from the 2026 Golden Globes

The 83rd annual Golden Globes returned to CBS tonight, highlighting the past year in TV and film. Comedian Nikki Glaser once again hosted the Golden Globes at the Beverly Hilton Hotel, after first hosting the gig in 2025.

She kicked off the award show with a monologue that didn’t hold back on anyone in attendance or the network airing the show.

Read her monologue below. (This has been slightly edited for clarity.)

“Good evening and welcome to the 83rd Golden Globes.

Yes, the Golden Globes, without a doubt the most important thing that’s happening in the world right now. So, let’s get down to business, shall we? We’ll start the bidding for Warner Bros. at $5. Do I hear $5?

Tonight we are celebrating the best of both TV and film right here in the heart of Los Angeles, where no TV or film has been made for the past six years.

I’m Nikki Glaser, and just like “Wicked,” I’m back for a sequel. Just like “Frankenstein,” I’ve been pieced together by an unlicensed European surgeon, and — it’s good work — and just like the podcasters nominated tonight, I should not be allowed to be this close to Julia Roberts.

I cannot believe the amount of star power we have in this room tonight, it’s insane, there are so many A-listers. And by A-listers, I do mean people who are on “a list” that has been heavily redacted. And the Golden Globe for best editing goes to the Justice Department. Yes, congratulations.

And the award for most editing goes to CBS News. Yes, CBS News, America’s newest place to see BS News. We needed another.

Well, there are so many Hollywood legends in this room tonight. Kathy Bates, Steven Spielberg. George Clooney. Of course, George Clooney is nominated for the movie “Jay Kelly” tonight. Where he plays George Clooney, you were so good. 

George, you’re amazing. I’m such a fan. I shouldn’t be allowed to talk to you right now. I’ve always wanted to ask you this question, and I know this is unprofessional, but I might not get a chance to do it again, so here goes: My Nespresso has been coming out kind of watery, and I’m wondering if it’s a pod issue or if you think it might be the filter? Could you troubleshoot it for me later? Thank you so much. Grazie, signore.

The Rock is here for “The Smashing Machine.” Yes, The Rock is nominated tonight, and luckily for him, the TV show “The Paper” is not, so he might win. And Kevin Hart is here. The Rock’s plus one-half. 

Kevin is obviously nominated for his hilarious stand-up special tonight. And you and The Rock together are my favorite comedy duo. Just such a classic comedy duo. You’re like a Steve Martin and Martin Short, but for people under 50 IQ. You know what I mean? We need movies too.

‘Jumanji: Next Level,’ was it? I’m just saying. 

Jennifer Lawrence is here. Oh my gosh, Jen gave such a stunningly visceral performance in “Die My Love.” And you look gorgeous tonight. True story: I once told a makeup artist, ‘Can you make me look like J Law?’ And he was like, ‘Honey, I can’t even make you look like Jude Law.’ 

The cast of ‘White Lotus’ season 3 is here. Parker Posey, Walton Goggins, Aimee Lou Wood. One of my favorite shows of all time. Did you guys actually know that “White Lotus” season 3 was the first hit show to feature incest since “Property Brothers” season all of them. 

Leonardo DiCaprio is here for “One Battle After Another.” What a career you’ve had. Countless iconic performances. You’ve worked with every great director. You’ve won three Golden Globes, an Oscar. And the most impressive thing is that you were able to accomplish all of that before your girlfriend turned 30. 

Leo, I’m sorry I made that joke. It’s cheap. You know what? I tried not to, but we don’t know anything else about you, man. There’s nothing else. Open up. I’m serious. I looked. I searched. The most in-depth interview you’ve ever given was in Teen Beat magazine in 1991. Is your favorite food still pasta, pasta, and more pasta? Look it up. That’s real.

Leo’s “One Battle” co-stars are here tonight. Benicio del Toro, Teyana Taylor. And making her film debut with a powerhouse performance, Chase Infiniti. 

Sean Penn is also here. Colonel Lockjaw himself. One of my favorite characters of all time. I love you, Sean. You’re such an original. Everyone in this town is obsessed with looking younger. Meanwhile, Sean Penn is like “ What if I slowly morph into a sexy leather handbag?” and I feel like that’s hot.

Not only such an amazing actor, but you’re such a devoted humanitarian. I mean, I feel like a lot of actors talk the talk but Sean Penn will actually go to the places in the world that need help the most and he will do cocaine there. And I feel like we don’t celebrate that enough.

And Sean, I did get permission to tell that joke from your two best friends, Charlie Sheen and El Chapo. So, they say hi. Blame it on them.

And of course, “Hamnet” is nominated tonight. “Hamnet” was such a masterful portrayal of loss and grief. Fun fact: Hamnet was actually the original name for Spanx. I’m wearing three Hamnets right now. 

Now, we can’t talk about movies this year without talking about “Sinners.” I mean, “Sinners” single-handedly saved Warner Bros. for about a month, but still.

Michael B. Jordan is nominated tonight for best actor. In “Sinners,” Michael played two brothers. Am I allowed to say that? It doesn’t sound right. He played twins. And I can’t believe it. We got two Michael B. Jordans. When I saw that, I was like, “Nikki be jerkin’,” because that was awesome. I’m sorry, Michael. Why did I make that joke? You’re one of the — I know your mom. I’m so sorry. I should not have said that to you. That should have been a DM. My mistake. 

“Wicked” was back with “Wicked: For Money.” Once again, Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande gave us two career-defining performances. I mean, it was so emotional. I mean, two hours into that movie, I was in tears, like I can’t believe there’s 45 minutes left. I’m kidding. A little long, but like I loved it and Ariana, I would listen to you sing the phone book. Grab the one Kevin Hart’s sitting on tonight.

And Timothée Chalamet is here for “Marty Supreme.” What a dedicated performance you gave. It is incredible. This is interesting. Not a lot of people know this, but Timothée Chalamet is the first actor in history to have to put on muscle for a movie about ping pong. This is true. He gained over 60 oz. It’s insane.

Well, guys, before our first award tonight, I just want to tell you that I’m making jokes up here, but it is an absolute privilege to be in this room with you all. Yes, I’m your host, but I’m honestly such a massive fan. Your work this year was innovative, it felt fearless, inspiring, and in some cases, downright zootopian.

Just please keep doing what you’re doing, okay? Guillermo del Toro, keep making weird monster sex movies. And James Cameron, keep making weird monster sex movies. Emma Stone and Yorgos Lanthimos keep making wonderfully bizarre movies together, and go harder. I want Emma Stone playing a piece of toast with epilepsy. You would nail it.

Noah Wyle, keep being the only doctor I’ve seen regularly for the past 35 years. Paul Mescal and Jacob Elordi keep being the same person to my mom, okay?

Hans Zimmer, keep composing film scores that sound like “Bommmmmmmm,” What a bop. And Claire Danes, keep making noises that sound like “Ahhhhh.” And Lastly, Steve Martin and Martin Short, keep proving to us that in this industry, you are never ever too old to still need money. I love you guys. Thank you so much. We have a great show for you tonight.”