Dear Abby: Co-workers are dismissive of youthful newcomer
DEAR ABBY: I am a 31-year-old woman who is not yet established in life. I have no husband or boyfriend, no kids and no clear direction for a career. I start new, low-level jobs often. My problem is that I look deceptively young for my age. At most, I look 18 or 19.
These employers, co-workers and supervisors treat me differently, and some talk down to me. Some refer to me as a "girl" instead of a "woman." Some give me incredulous looks if I reminisce about the '90s. I have even been accused of lying about my age. Some even had the guts to ask for my driver's license. Others talk about how "adorable" I am if they think I'm out of earshot.
I have tried wearing more mature outfits, but they were uncomfortable, and it felt inauthentic. I tried wearing makeup every day, but I just looked like a teenager who wears makeup. When I tried mentioning it during icebreakers, it elicited giggles of disbelief. I also tried referring to the year I graduated from college. It doesn't matter that I speak and behave like an adult, because employees have admitted they thought I was just a precocious teen.
It doesn't help that my hobbies include cartoons and anime. Nor does it help that I can be painfully shy, which, I believe, many people confuse with inexperience. This has been an issue my entire life, but it has grown more pronounced as I age. The most common (and least helpful) advice I get is "You'll appreciate it when you're older." Well, I am concerned with the present. Advice? — BABY FACE IN RHODE ISLAND
DEAR BABY FACE: You look young, act youthful and are following a life path usually associated with someone 10 years younger. This may explain your co-workers' confusion about your age. Some of them may also be jealous or closed-minded.
It may be time to cut down on job-hopping and home in on a career. If you do, your co-workers may have the opportunity to get to know you better. Until then, be cordial, stand up for yourself and stop letting the remarks get to you. You know who you are, and that's what is most important.
DEAR ABBY: My wife of three years has no respect for me. She calls me vulgar names in public and thinks it's funny. I have a bladder control problem, and she brings that up in public all the time. I am starting to resent it. I love my wife, but I don't like feeling this way. Please help or give me some advice. — ONLY HUMAN IN MINNESOTA
DEAR HUMAN: Have you told your wife how the vulgar names and ridicule about your incontinence problem make you feel? If you haven't, you should. If you have done that, then reread the first line of your letter to me. Your wife's behavior indicates that not only does she not respect you, but she also has a cruel sense of humor and little love for you. How you choose to deal with that realization is up to you. You have my sympathy.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 446, Kings Mills, OH 45034-0446. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)