The Traitors Recap: Do the Dead Dance
Between the mission deciding who is eligible for murder, and the Secret Traitor getting to cut down that shortlist even further, our Traitors are left with only three names to choose from. It’s between Ian (who’s a threat as a game player), Mark (whose pleasant disposition could make for a chaotic choice), and Eric (who they say has been so low-key that his death would be a good way to create confusion). Ultimately, our three Traitors agree — a marked change from last season’s Traitors fighting and cannibalizing each other the whole game — and kill Ian, citing his impressive Big Brother reputation.
The very first breakfast that follows is a delight. Lisa says, “I literally am the first knock on the door and the first person to walk in, and it’s iconic,” because if there’s one thing Rinna is going to do, it’s deem her every innocuous move as “iconic.” Candiace arrives dressed as a flight attendant, and Porsha, helping herself to three boiled eggs, forgot she even caused drama the night before, referring to it as “light work.” Rob R. is returning to his Love Island roots by wearing a sweater-vest with nothing underneath, and best of all, Dorinda gets a standing ovation and starts crying after surviving her first night. Thank God, but let’s be honest, the producers never would have let that happen unless they wanted Dorinda to set fire to their homes.
After breakfast, the players all consider who’s looking suspicious thus far, even though it’s really too early to form any definitive opinions. But Tiffany does bring up Donna’s name, saying she’s been emotionless and hasn’t been trying very hard to form connections. Then again, if you’ve ever seen Donna on the Today show promoting her role as Ziploc’s “Chief Leftover Officer,” that seems just to be her low-key vibe. But Colton adds that nobody really wants to mention her name lest the Swifties mobilize. To paraphrase “Dear John,” they’ll add your name to their long list of traitors who don’t understand.
The real suspect that people land on turns out to be Porsha, and not just because she stirred the pot with Michael (halitosis personified) and Candiace the night before. As she’s chatting with Ron and Donna, she makes not one but two slip-ups. First, she says that Ian is “the one I killed,” and then she later says, “If we kill a Faithful …” The best part about these slip-ups is that, as we know, Porsha isn’t even a Traitor. Well, I guess we actually don’t know that, given the Secret Traitor twist. But even if that is the case, she wouldn’t have been the one to actually do any killing, so it still feels like an honest misspeak. Keep in mind that this is a woman who once said there were 265 days in a year. If Ron knew that, he might not be clinging to this evidence quite so much.
Speaking of Ron, he’s the first person Donna finally warms up to on the way to the challenge. She explains that she knows that he’s a good guy because he had worked on a show with Travis. Cut to me trying to remember if Travis Kelce was on Loot before I remembered that Are You Smarter Than a Celebrity? exists. In any case, it’s nice that Donna has a friend.
When they arrive at the challenge, they’re greeted by Alan, who’s dressed as if Cruella de Vil made her clothes out of tinfoil rather than dogs, and he tells them that they have to pull three carts with thrones on them all the way back to the castle. Along the way they’ll collect money and tokens that earn them a seat on the throne, and whoever is sitting in them when they arrive will be granted protective shields. The main takeaway of this entire endeavor is Candiace going over a bump and shouting, “Ah! My uterus!”
Ultimately, Yam Yam, Colton, and Caroline were the ones who earned the shields, and Michael (a bowl of gruel with eyeballs) doesn’t understand how that was decided. What does he mean by “decided”? It was decided because they got the tokens, you idiot. I can’t tell if he’s just entitled or simply too dumb to comprehend how the game works. In any case, he keeps insisting on making a scene at every turn, so much so that his fellow players can’t seem to decide whether he’s a horrible Faithful or a horrible Traitor. At one point, Rob R. points out that they should keep in mind that he’s a professional actor, but let’s be honest — barely. The only acting he does is acting a fool.
When we get to the roundtable, three suspects emerge. First up is Donna, who maintains that her reserved demeanor is just her personality and thinks she’s low-hanging fruit since she isn’t connected to anyone else there. It’s a good point. Why go after someone who seems to be almost completely isolated rather than someone who either has a reputation or allies behind them?
Ron then presents his evidence against Porsha, which, in addition to her above slip-ups, also includes yet another incident in which she confidently claimed that there were four Traitors — something that she, in theory, wouldn’t know unless she had been up in the turret. We, as the audience, know she hasn’t been up there, and have no reason to believe that the Secret Traitor was given any intel about how many other Traitors there are — so again, it really does seem like she’s just playing it fast and loose with her words. She tells the table that she simply misspoke. Thrice.
Then the attention turns to Michael (an angry grub who made a wish to go to Scotland), who starts whining yet again about nobody giving him a shield, and in the process slips up himself, saying, “We got rid of Ian.” The table pounces, and what a joy it is to watch him squirm. “Maybe just stop talking,” Maura says, and if only he’d listen. He’s so bad at this game, but luckily for him, Alan steps in to call a vote. As this happens, we cut to a wide shot, in which you might have noticed he reaches over and STEALS Dorinda’s glass of water. He’s so nervous and dry that he’s been downing water this whole roundtable.
While the result was disappointing, given the three pieces of evidence, it certainly wasn’t shocking that our beloved Porsha was voted out of the game. One of the most painful parts of this show remains seeing people who are so good at being on television banished from our screens. While she’s always great TV, she wasn’t great at the game, given that she kept accidentally saying she was killing people (which she confirms she wasn’t even doing). Upon announcing her status as a Faithful, the whole room gasps. “Ah, crap,” Donna says. Ron cries out an apology as she leaves us forever.
“I thought I had clear and true evidence, instead I sent a beautiful woman home,” a defeated Ron says in his confessional, instantly winning me back over — though now all eyes are on him for eliminating a Faithful. As for Donna, she tells the others that her shyness stems from being a fan of all the other players and feeling unworthy. “I did the same thing with Paul McCartney at the Super Bowl,” she casually says, hilariously drawing a comparison between the former Beatle and the likes of Dorinda Medley. And rightfully so!
But that’s not it for tonight. The Traitors are informed that tonight’s murder will be done in plain sight, by way of hidden tarot cards representing the shortlisted players that they have to retrieve and burn undetected. If they’re successful, they finally get to meet their Secret Traitor, but how will they empty the kitchen discreetly to snag the cards?
“This would be a great time … for a CONGA LINE,” Candiace shouts out. I’m beside myself. It’s truly the least discreet method imaginable, but it does work. It also makes Rob C. instantly aware that a murder in plain sight is happening, but you win some, you lose some! As Candiace leads all the players away from the kitchen via conga, Rob R. grabs the tarot cards, and he and Lisa are left to decide whether to kill Monet, Rob C., Tara, or Kristen. One of those four goes up in flames.