5 Concrete Signs You’re Not In Love, You’re Just Filling A Void

How do you know if you really like — or maybe even love — someone or if you’re just filling a void? What would you even be lacking? What’s the difference between being alone and feeling lonely? Is it just an attachment?

Here are some concrete signs you’re not in love, you’re really filling a void:

You’re distracting yourself.

When a relationship ends, you should allow yourself to feel all that you need to feel in order to heal from it. Grieve, cry, hurt. If you don’t do this and instead, jump into a new relationship, you might be distracting yourself. You’re using “love” as a means of escapism. You’re avoiding the healing process and distracting yourself from other aspects of your life and underlying problems.

You’re idealizing everything.

Do you look at love through rose-colored glasses? Do you fantasize and romanticize your relationships?

If you said yes, you might be idealizing the person you’re with or the relationship and ultimately, filling some kind of void. You like the idea of you and your partner together. You might be overlooking the red flags of your partner and how you don’t align with each other. You might be ignoring the actual problems in your relationship. You’re just looking at the relationship through rose-colored glasses.

You have a fear of being alone.

There’s a difference between being alone and feeling lonely. Psychologists say that being “alone” is about the physical state of not being with another person whereas being “lonely” is a psychological state of feeling emotionally disconnected from others.

If you’ve recently ended a relationship and you jumped into a new one without giving yourself the proper time to process and heal (no matter how long it might take) then you are most likely trying to fill a void. Some relationships – and their endings – require a lot of internal growth and processing. But if you’re afraid to linger in that pain and just want to jump into something new and exciting, that’s something to consider. Maybe you aren’t comfortable being alone with yourself. Maybe you’re dependent on external validation. Whatever the reason, be honest and ask yourself: Am I afraid of being alone?

There is an emotional disconnect or rapid shift.

When you’re in love — real love — you feel calm. You feel secure and stable and content. When you’re in a relationship that is filling a void (or maybe just in a toxic relationship or a situationship), you feel anxious. Your emotions fluctuate: one moment you’re at peace and the next, you’re nervous, jealous, maybe even empty. If you’re relying on a partner and their presence in your life to make you happy, that might be a sign that you’re using them as a means of filling a void. The relationship is not rooted in genuine love, but rather, in attachment. In some cases, there might not even be an emotional connection at all.

There’s a lack of compatibility.

While opposites do attract, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they will make a relationship last forever. If you’re in a relationship with someone, you should, at the very least, have similar values, interests, and maybe even long-term goals.

If you want to get married and have kids and your partner doesn’t, you probably shouldn’t be with them. If you’re a homebody but your partner likes to party every weekend, you probably shouldn’t be together. If you’re willing to change your values to match your partner, you probably shouldn’t be with them.

If your focus is solely on having someone by your side, even if you’re completely different people with different values and interests, then it might be that you’re just filling some kind of attachment void.