Decolonising the premiership
Decolonising the Premier League: A Manifesto for Reclaiming England's Sacred Game from Imperial Overlords. ( Independent report commissioned by Sir Keir Starmer)
By Dr. Reginald Numpty Professor of Football Studies at the University of Proper British Pies
In the year of our Lord 2026, as the Premier League kicks off yet another season of glittering excess, it is high time we confront a grave injustice: the ongoing colonisation of English football by foreign powers.
What began as a noble British invention, a game of mud, rain, and heroic 1-0 defeats, has been hijacked by exotic invaders wielding petrodollars, energy drinks, and dubious sponsorships.
This is not mere globalisation; this is neo-imperialism on grass!
Consider the evidence. Manchester City, once a proud club of flat caps and factory whistles, now bows to the Abu Dhabi throne, their sky-blue kits a subtle nod to Emirati flags.
Newcastle United, the heartbeat of the Geordie nation, has been annexed by Saudi Arabia's Public Investment Fund, a clear case of sportswashing, where human rights concerns are buried under piles of transfer fees.
And let's not forget the lingering scars of past occupations: Manchester United once bore the logo of AIG, that American insurance behemoth whose bailout by US taxpayers effectively made the Red Devils a subsidiary of Uncle Sam.
Then there are the Austrian aggressors from Red Bull, who have infiltrated Leeds United with minority stakes and shirt sponsorships, turning a historic Yorkshire club into a winged billboard for caffeinated imperialism.
Red Bull's multi-club empire spans continents, pumping high-press tactics and energy drinks into the veins of football like some corporate colonial serum.
And the Asian gambling syndicates? Clubs like Wolves and Crystal Palace flaunt mysterious betting brands on their chests, often opaque "white-label" operations that scream shadowy foreign influence.
This foreign investment is nothing short of cultural erasure. The Premier League, born from the ashes of the English First Division, is now a playground for Arabian sheikhs, Asian tycoons, and European beverage barons.
They flood our leagues with oil money, turning plucky underdogs into superclubs while traditional British owners, those salt-of-the-earth billionaires like the Glazers (wait, they're American too?), struggle to keep up.
To decolonise the Premier League, we propose the following urgent reforms:
Ban All Foreign Ownership Immediately: Clubs must be 100% British-owned. Preferably by local fish-and-chip magnates or pub landlords.
Sovereign wealth funds? Out! Red Bull wings? Clipped! American hedge funds? Deported!
Shirt Sponsorships Restricted to Proper British Brands:
No more Emirates, Etihad, or mysterious Asian betting firms. Front-of-shirt deals limited to sponsors like Tetley Tea, HP Sauce, or British Petroleum (wait, no – that's too on-the-nose). Sleeve sponsors? Only for Yorkshire Pudding manufacturers.
Sportswashing Tax: Any club accused of laundering a nation's reputation through success must pay a 500% levy on transfers. Proceeds to fund grassroots football in rainy northern towns.
Decolonisation Kits: Mandatory retro shirts evoking the pre-1992 era – no flashy foreign designs. Players must wear heavy cotton, no aerated fabrics from overseas sweatshops.
Player Quotas: At least 11 British players per squad, all raised on roast dinners and queuing politely. Foreign stars limited to bench-warming roles, teaching them the virtues of English restraint snd waiting patiently in a queue.
Only then can we restore the Premier League to its pure, unadulterated form: mid-table mediocrity, heroic cup runs by lower-league sides, and the occasional scandal involving a pie-throwing fan.
Rise up, comrades! For King, country, and a proper British game. The empire strikes back, starting with a firm tackle on foreign cash.
Support this manifesto to return English football to its former glories where all the best players were Stotsmen.
By Dr. Reginald Numpty Professor of Football Studies at the University of Proper British Pies
In the year of our Lord 2026, as the Premier League kicks off yet another season of glittering excess, it is high time we confront a grave injustice: the ongoing colonisation of English football by foreign powers.
What began as a noble British invention, a game of mud, rain, and heroic 1-0 defeats, has been hijacked by exotic invaders wielding petrodollars, energy drinks, and dubious sponsorships.
This is not mere globalisation; this is neo-imperialism on grass!
Consider the evidence. Manchester City, once a proud club of flat caps and factory whistles, now bows to the Abu Dhabi throne, their sky-blue kits a subtle nod to Emirati flags.
Newcastle United, the heartbeat of the Geordie nation, has been annexed by Saudi Arabia's Public Investment Fund, a clear case of sportswashing, where human rights concerns are buried under piles of transfer fees.
And let's not forget the lingering scars of past occupations: Manchester United once bore the logo of AIG, that American insurance behemoth whose bailout by US taxpayers effectively made the Red Devils a subsidiary of Uncle Sam.
Then there are the Austrian aggressors from Red Bull, who have infiltrated Leeds United with minority stakes and shirt sponsorships, turning a historic Yorkshire club into a winged billboard for caffeinated imperialism.
Red Bull's multi-club empire spans continents, pumping high-press tactics and energy drinks into the veins of football like some corporate colonial serum.
And the Asian gambling syndicates? Clubs like Wolves and Crystal Palace flaunt mysterious betting brands on their chests, often opaque "white-label" operations that scream shadowy foreign influence.
This foreign investment is nothing short of cultural erasure. The Premier League, born from the ashes of the English First Division, is now a playground for Arabian sheikhs, Asian tycoons, and European beverage barons.
They flood our leagues with oil money, turning plucky underdogs into superclubs while traditional British owners, those salt-of-the-earth billionaires like the Glazers (wait, they're American too?), struggle to keep up.
To decolonise the Premier League, we propose the following urgent reforms:
Ban All Foreign Ownership Immediately: Clubs must be 100% British-owned. Preferably by local fish-and-chip magnates or pub landlords.
Sovereign wealth funds? Out! Red Bull wings? Clipped! American hedge funds? Deported!
Shirt Sponsorships Restricted to Proper British Brands:
No more Emirates, Etihad, or mysterious Asian betting firms. Front-of-shirt deals limited to sponsors like Tetley Tea, HP Sauce, or British Petroleum (wait, no – that's too on-the-nose). Sleeve sponsors? Only for Yorkshire Pudding manufacturers.
Sportswashing Tax: Any club accused of laundering a nation's reputation through success must pay a 500% levy on transfers. Proceeds to fund grassroots football in rainy northern towns.
Decolonisation Kits: Mandatory retro shirts evoking the pre-1992 era – no flashy foreign designs. Players must wear heavy cotton, no aerated fabrics from overseas sweatshops.
Player Quotas: At least 11 British players per squad, all raised on roast dinners and queuing politely. Foreign stars limited to bench-warming roles, teaching them the virtues of English restraint snd waiting patiently in a queue.
Only then can we restore the Premier League to its pure, unadulterated form: mid-table mediocrity, heroic cup runs by lower-league sides, and the occasional scandal involving a pie-throwing fan.
Rise up, comrades! For King, country, and a proper British game. The empire strikes back, starting with a firm tackle on foreign cash.
Support this manifesto to return English football to its former glories where all the best players were Stotsmen.