Cooking to Scare Friends and In-Laws
New Year’s Eve celebrations vary by latitude. In Spain, we eat 12 grapes as the clock strikes midnight — one grape per chime — so we begin the year with a very affectionate kind of hug: the Heimlich maneuver. In Brazil, people jump backward over seven waves in the sea; most of them start the year in a shark’s stomach. In Japan, temples ring their bells 108 times, and the Japanese give thanks that the Spanish custom of stuffing a grape into your mouth for every chime does not exist in their country. In South Africa, the tradition is to throw old furniture out the window, so the drunks have a great time, while the responsible husbands who dutifully go downstairs to take out the trash begin the year with a traumatic brain injury. But in almost every country, celebrations end the same way: with a large feast.
What more could you ask of food, if it not only nourishes but also entertains?
Often among the guests are friends — or even relatives — who are fundamentally incompatible with parties, peace, animal welfare, and similar annoyances. If you are in charge of the cooking, I will give you some foolproof recipes to make them leave early. A disgusting meal accomplishes what every man aspires to at least once in his life: scaring off his friends.
Friends are sticky. Friends are expensive. Friends are inevitable and, I suppose, important — but the best way to preserve them is to keep them at a safe distance. You can also preserve them in formaldehyde, but that tends to create legal complications, thanks to the bureaucratic constraints of our century.
Foolproof recipes:
Live Rabbit with Chili Pepper
Until now, cooks have devoted themselves to inventing hundreds of recipes using dead animals. This makes sense. Live animals rarely cooperate when it comes to having their rear ends nicely toasted on a grill. Still, we underestimate what modern cuisine can offer. These days, food doesn’t even need to be fully cooked. Remember that. Most Asians eat things raw and make a fortune in Europe selling outrageously priced dishes that consist of chopping up whatever you can find in a forest and adding soy sauce.
According to my recipe, rabbit is incredibly easy to prepare. All you need is a piece of string to keep the rabbit tied up until it’s time to eat. Then hand out napkins so the diners can cover their eyes. Distribute knives and forks. Now hang a chili pepper around the rabbit’s neck and place it — untied — on a large platter in the center of the table.
Beforehand, you must agree that the first bite will be given by whichever diner the rabbit chooses. You will use the confusion created by the spectacle to discreetly place a piece of carrot on one of your friend’s heads. If he doesn’t run away the moment the rabbit approaches, he certainly will when he tries to take the first bite and the rabbit bites his finger instead.
Non-Alcoholic Beer
If you think nothing is more effective at scaring off your friends than Live Rabbit with Chili Pepper, it’s because you are unaware of the extraordinary deterrent power of non-alcoholic beer. Serve it warm if you want your friends not only to flee in terror, but also to never return to your home and to remove you from those annoying group chats full of idiotic memes.
Cauliflower and Avocado Festival
Times are changing, and now children eat vegetables too. But one thing is eating vegetables, and another is not being utterly traumatized by the sight of a loose cauliflower accompanied by a free-range avocado. I turn pale just writing about it. As for how to achieve the “festival” effect, I have no idea. A friend gave me this recipe. Perhaps she meant funeral rather than festival. My handwriting is truly awful.
Fireworks Chicken, or Wile E. Coyote Chicken
Finally, one of my favorite dishes. Roasting a chicken is perhaps the simplest culinary success in the world. What more could you ask of food, if it not only nourishes but also entertains? Children love to have fun while they eat, and adults do too — even if they refuse to admit it. For this recipe you will need:
- One whole chicken, ready for roasting
- Two sticks of dynamite
- Lime and salt
- Tequila
- Pepper
- Fireworks powder
- About five pounds of confetti
- A bomb squad technician (EOD)
Before roasting, drill a hole inside the chicken large enough to fit a stick of dynamite and insert it as discreetly as possible. The chicken should be large, or the dynamite stick small. Also place the bags of confetti inside the chicken or under the wings (if it still has them). Sprinkle everything, inside and out, with fireworks powder.
Say goodbye to your guests with a round of tequila and assure them the food will be ready shortly. Then put the dish in the oven at the highest possible setting, call the bomb squad — only if you care about your guests and your sole intention is to scare them — and run away.
Call your insurance company.
Call your lawyer.
Change your name.
Leave the country.
READ MORE from Itxu Diaz:
Chronicle of the Final Hours Leading to the Salvation of the World
The Christmas Gift List for Celebrities, Politicians, and Other Animals