Asking Eric: My wife won’t forgive my mother’s mental state during the wedding planning

Dear Eric: In 2020, my now-wife and I were engaged. My mother is a nurse and has asthma and was deeply hit with mental and emotional stress from the pandemic.

She would not attend most wedding planning events and would always be concerned with germs, wearing an N95 mask and keeping her distance.

My wife had a completely opposite reaction to the pandemic. It was more of a nuisance to her. In her eyes, there was no threat. My wife began to develop a feeling of abandonment from someone who was supposed to be her mother-in-law.

She opened up to me about how much she was hurt, and I told her it wasn’t my mother’s fault and that she was just petrified by the pandemic and it was the only thing she could do.

My wife told me I was taking my mother’s side. Hurtful messages were sent by my wife, and my mother just shut down the relationship and blocked her.

The wedding was in October 2021. My mother braved the crowd of 155 people and attended without a mask. I was so proud of her. But my wife was angry about her presence.

My wife and I are still fighting occasionally about this issue, and the spats are becoming increasingly more intense. She still says extremely hurtful things about my mother often.

My mother’s mindset was extreme but considering her working at a nursing home and having asthma, it’s totally understandable. That isn’t believable, according to my wife.

I am writing for guidance to understand how to solve this mess. Was I in the wrong for how I initially reacted toward my wife? I just don’t want this to destroy my marriage.

– Hurting Husband and Son

Dear Son: I’m rarely this blunt, but your wife is being unreasonable, and she needs to get over it.

Setting aside any debate about public health policies during the first year of the pandemic, it’s unfair that your wife is holding a grudge against your mother for socially distancing during a time of mandated social distancing. Why is she taking the pandemic personally? Why couldn’t she form a relationship with your mother that considered your mother’s feelings?

How do you solve this? Suggest couple’s counseling to parse the issues between the two of you. A therapist can help you find new tools for communicating with each other.

At a certain point, it might be helpful to invite your mother to a session and try to restart that relationship. There’s something that your wife wanted and didn’t get from her. It’s understandable that she felt hurt, but she needs better, healthier strategies for addressing that hurt.

Dear Eric: A few years ago, I became very ill and had to be put into an induced coma. After I woke up, I spent two horrible months in a nursing home.

After I got home, my husband was invaluable. He was doing the day-to-day business of changing my colonoscopy bag and feeding me. I ate a lot of burnt waffles and toast, but he was there 24/7 for probably three months.

Times were difficult and we were not happy with each other, to say the least. Don’t get me wrong: If he hadn’t helped me, I don’t think I would be here. But now, it’s years later and I feel like his personal slave.

I don’t drive anymore and haven’t since I got sick. He goes to the store every day for food, but now that I’m in the house all the time, I’m cooking every day. I used to enjoy cooking but now I feel like a slave. I do the laundry every day because he works out and plays pickleball.

I know it’s my fault but mentally I can’t seem to find my way out. Any ideas?

– Trapped at Home

Dear Home: It’s not your fault. You and your husband have gotten into a pattern that doesn’t work for you. Maybe it’s because of the illness, maybe it’s because of underlying issues in your marriage, maybe it’s something else entirely. But blaming yourself isn’t fair and won’t get you the solution you seek.

In any relationship, marriages especially, it’s helpful to have a “state-of-the-relationship” conversation. This allows you both to check in about what’s working, what isn’t, and move toward the same goals in the future.

So, talk to your husband about the way you’re feeling. Ask “how can we solve this together?” If he’s not receptive, ask for the support of a friend or a therapist to make the conversation productive.

One solution may be sharing more of the household responsibilities. This is fair. You don’t owe a debt of servitude that you have to work off. Relationships don’t always feel 50/50 in terms of labor, but it’s important to point out when the imbalance feels too great.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.