The 2 Words to Say When You Get a Gift You Don’t Like

Opening a present during the holidays while surrounded by onlookers can trigger excitement—or dread. The person giving you a gift likely poured time, money, and a whole lot of thought and care into its selection. Ideally, you’ll love it, but it’s possible you’ll be confused, offended, mildly horrified, or disappointed.

Then what? Cue an awkward few moments trying to control your facial expressions while figuring out what to say.

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“There’s a lot of pressure on gift-giving and gift-receiving,” says Nicholas Schmitt, senior director of conflict resolution and training at Community Mediation Services, Inc., a not-for-profit organization that helps people solve conflict constructively. Growing up, his family took turns opening gifts, “so everybody would stare at you as you were opening,” he says. “You couldn’t just get lost in the chaos of everybody else opening their gifts—you had center stage.” It led to a few less-than-festive moments. 

That’s why Schmitt suggests setting yourself up for success by lowering your expectations ahead of time. If you go into the holiday expecting a certain gift, and that’s not what you unwrap, it’s going to be extra hard not to appear upset or sad: “Just because the box is the size of a PlayStation 5,” he says, “does not mean you’re getting a PlayStation 5.”

We asked experts for the best thing to say when you receive a gift you don’t like—and it turns out that all it takes is two little words.

The best response…

If you were dying for an upgraded coffee machine and unwrapped your third blender, look your mom in the eye and tell her: “How thoughtful!” Those two words can go a long way toward avoiding hurt feelings and still showing appreciation for something that didn’t live up to expectations.

“It’s a true statement, even if you hate it,” says Thomas Farley, an etiquette expert who hosts workshops and delivers keynotes on good manners. “You’re acknowledging that somebody spent time and effort and didn’t just phone it in, and you can really stand by that statement without feeling like you’re being disingenuous.”

Read More: 9 Ways to Make Holiday Gift-Giving Less Stressful

Schmitt echoes the suggestion. He still recalls the time, early in high school, when all his friends were asking for digital cameras. He wanted one, too, and a relative delivered—almost. “It was the right size for a camera, and it felt about the weight to be a camera,” he says. “I peeled open the packaging, and yes, it’s a camera, but it wasn’t digital or even battery-powered.” He was crushed, and while he can’t remember exactly how he responded, he knows he didn’t do a good job hiding his disappointment. “Looking back, I would have said something like, ‘This is really thoughtful,’” he says. “‘How did you know I wanted a camera?’”

Keep in mind that the tone you use to thank someone for a gift matters almost as much as which words you choose. “Intonation is everything,” Farley says. There’s “How thoughtful,” delivered in a cutting, sarcastic tone, and “How thoughtful!” filled with appreciation and warmth. Do your best to back it up with your body language, too, smiling and perhaps hugging the gifter or patting their arm.

Backup options

The adage is true: It really is better to give than receive. Research suggests we experience longer-lasting happiness when we give to others, compared to when we receive a present. Take that into account when you react to a gift: You don’t want to strip someone of their joy. “When you take graciously, you’re giving the other person the greatest gift you can give them, which is the opportunity to give,” says ethics expert Yonason Goldson, who runs a company teaching business leaders how to build a culture of ethics. “Do you really want to crush their spirit when they believe they’re about to make your day?”

Goldson has a handful of favorite tried-and-true responses for this situation. They’re all honest, he says, while conveying appreciation. Among them:

• “I never dreamed I would get one of these!”
• “How did you ever find this?”
• “You are so sweet to think of this!”
• “I can hardly wait until I have a chance to use this.”
• “I wouldn’t have expected this in 100 years!”

It’s also a good idea to get curious. After an authentic but kind initial response, Schmitt suggests pivoting to a follow-up question. If you’re given a sweater that doesn’t match your usual style, for example, you might ask: “What about it made you think of me?”

When Schmitt’s grandfather passed away, his grandmother sent him one of his hats—but not the one Schmitt expected. He emailed her and asked what made her choose that one for him, and she responded by telling a story about the way her husband had worn the hat, and how it reminded her of her grandson. “I could have just been like, ‘Thank you, I love it,’” he says. “But then I never would have known that additional story.”

Is it OK to ask to exchange it?

Maybe you would love the sweater your mother-in-law gave you—if only it were two sizes bigger. It’s fine to exchange it, Farley says, especially if you have a gift receipt and can do so on your own. “Wear it the next time you see them, and they’ll be none the wiser,” he says.

If you don’t have a gift receipt, the situation is more complicated, but it’s sometimes still worth bringing up. You might word it like this, he suggests: “I really love my new sweater, and I wanted to see if there might be a way for you to get it in a different size that fits me better.”

Read More: The 4-Word Trick to Saying a Great Goodbye

“Think about the true intentions of the giver,” Farley says. “They want you to like it, and they want you to be able to use it. If you can’t, because it’s two sizes too small or too big, as a gifter, I’d far rather know that than you just bite your tongue and give it to Goodwill.”

There’s another benefit of speaking up, too, that can extend far into the future. “If you stay silent, you may be committing yourself to a lifetime’s worth of getting the wrong size in something because you said it was perfect for you,” Farley points out. By broaching the issue in a kind and gracious way, you’re helping ensure you won’t have to employ “how thoughtful” again.

Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email timetotalk@time.com