A Brooksian Spur Claw
All week, I’ve been living on Beautiful Christmas Island (mentally). We’re on break from the film and I haven’t seen My Sensei in nearly 10 days, give or take a few—time slips and slides this time of year. Anyhoo, I decided to check out my old friend Woody Harrelson’s new movie Ella McCay over the weekend. I took a short trip to Baltimore, stayed in the ritziest part of town, and was able to join my friend Nicky for an evening showing at a cinema just one block from my hotel. I heard this is where Nicole Kidman stays when she’s in Baltimore, and I trust that bitch. She’s got good taste.
But, you can only go so far in Baltimore. Is it chic? No. Is there seafood? Yes, but it’s like seafood everywhere else, and incredibly expensive, definitely not “tourist food.” Now, I’m not a tourist, I’m extremely rich and even older, but I do like to “get down” every now and then with the be-boppers and thug-gutters of the places I go. I’m kind of like a bird of the people, until I feel like being king again. It’s part of my nature. Why do you think Monica hates me so much? She wishes she had this swag, this total disregard for the feelings of anyone other than myself. Is My Sensei worried about me? Has My Director tried to get in touch? I wouldn’t know—I’m not checking my phone until Boxing Day.
At the moment, I’m watching It Happened on 5th Avenue with Gale Storm on Turner Classic Movies. Sorry, Gale Storm? Whose fucking idea was that? Did the Wayans take her name and give it to Cheri Oteri’s character in Scary Movie? Those guys are funnnnnyyy. I like them. New movie out next year! Unless the Disney Corporation and the Country of France disagree… Now, I saw the movie, so I can’t complain too much, but I was going to spend the remainder of my vacation in Paris in January, so, I can complain as much as I want:
“Ella McCay, currently in U.S. theaters, has just had its January 7 release canceled in France by Disney. Why was its French release canceled? Nobody really knows. Toxic word of mouth might have done it, but French critics were one of the few corners of the world that actually liked Brooks’ last film, How Do You Know, and I had spoken to Les Inrockuptibles’ Jean Jacky Goldberg last week, who told me he had absolutely loved the film. Ella McCay had one of the worst wide-release openings in U.S. history, appearing on 2500+ screens nationwide and grossing only $1.8M. The following week, it suffered a record drop of 84% compared to the previous Friday. The film has grossed only $3M domestically against a $35M budget. It’s an outright bomb, and unwatchable at that; come to think of it, it probably should have made my 10 worst films I saw this year (list currently being updated).”
“Unwatchable”? Maybe I find you unwatchable. What is this guy smoking? Crack, obviously. Disney’s only pulling the movie because they’re scared it’s too real, it’s too tough for France. And they’re right. In the movie, Ella McCay accidentally gets spun out on weed lemonade and weed cookies. They don’t even have weed in France. They have hash. Completely different experience. Also, they don’t have governors or lieutenant governors in France. They have emperors and empresses and all that. Like, their shit is so not advanced it’s not even funny. Maybe they could take in and understand James L. Brooks’ previous films because they weren’t as raw and truthful as this one.
Well, looks like I’ll be spending more time in Baltimore than I expected. That’s okay—I’ll probably see Ella McCay again. And hey, you never know, there might just be another celebrity in the lobby lounge next time I checked. Yesterday, I saw someone who looked like Tim Walz, and that made me very scared, so I stayed in my room. Tonight I’m feeling braver and, more importantly, luckier. I think tonight’s the night that I see Laura. Or Nicole. Or Reese. Really I’d just like to meet the cast of Big Little Lies so I can go home and say I did something productive with my holiday. Other than see Ella McCay multiple times. Which I already have. Mood.
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