What do you get the dictator who has everything?

Despite this being a year when everything about the executive branch has been so horrible and destructive, Christmastime instills a vibe of generosity that can’t be ignored. Even those idiots in or adjacent to the Trump administration deserve something besides our contempt. It is in this spirit of giving that I present below my own list of holiday gifts for those who have been running things — at least in theory.

Donald Trump — President

A laminated list of grudges ranked by intensity of hatred.

(Color-coded for donors, prosecutors, and cable news hosts who didn’t clap hard enough or with the proper zeal.)

Melania Trump — First Lady

An illustrated coffee table collection, “Beautiful Stone Garden Forests of North America.”

(Features a foreword by Tucker Carlson praising the beauty of the freshly paved White House “Roads Garden.”)

JD Vance — Vice President

A fully reversible ideology jacket.

(Populist on the outside, venture capitalist lining on the inside. Machine-washable morals. Ethical stain resistant.)

Susie Wiles — Chief of Staff

A fire extinguisher labeled, “In Case of Vanity Fire, er, Fair, Deny, Deny, Deny.”

(Rated for journalistic/social media emergencies and sudden vendettas.)

Stephen Miller — Deputy Chief of Staff

A red pen that edits in only one direction.

(Deletes words like “asylum,” “context,” “compassionate,” and “human.”)

Karoline Leavitt — Press Secretary

A spin-doctor’s medical supply bag for holding a Make America Gucci Again hat, Trump 2028 pin, a punching bag emblazoned with “Don’t Even Go There,” a deck of liar’s poker cards, and a Trump language decoder ring.

(In camouflage colors, the outside is stitched with, “A Bag for the Scumbags.“)

Pete Hegseth — 'Secretary of War'

A giant foam finger that points to his right and reads, “It’s His Fault.”

(Also, a bonus flask engraved with, “I Need Proof – 80 Proof.”)

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. — Secretary of Health

An anti-vax bingo set with squares including “DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH,” “THEY DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW,” “NATURAL IMMUNITY,” “CENSORED FOR SPEAKING TRUTH,” “THE SCIENCE ISN’T SETTLED,” “MY COUSIN HAD A BAD REACTION,” “ONE DOCTOR IN A LAB COAT SAID,” and “MAINSTREAM MEDIA WON’T COVER THIS.”

(Also, the center square is a free space that reads, “I’M JUST ASKING QUESTIONS.”)

Pam Bondi — Attorney General

A Department of Justice mission statement written in invisible ink.

(Technically, it’s still there. Practically, it’s gone.)

Todd Blanche — Deputy Attorney General

A personalized gold desk nameplate that reads, “Whatever Happens Here is Obviously Joe Biden’s Fault.”

(Also a fog machine that deploys mid-sentence.)

Kash Patel — FBI Director

A poster-size enemies list with dry-erase capability

(For updating threats in real time, contingent on cable news bookings.)

All Trump’s Friends in the Epstein Files

A customized collection that includes T-shirts reading, “I Was Just Networking,” “No Comment,” “(Redacted),” and “I Don’t Recall”; a travel neck pillow that says, “I Deny the Premise of the Question”; a monogrammed private jet logbook designed for shredding; and a 900-page hardcover memoir entitled I Barely Knew Him, explaining how you repeatedly crossed paths with the same man on multiple continents entirely by accident.

Jared Kushner — Son-In-Law/Unofficial Advisor

A giant “I (Heart) Saudi Arabia” money clip.

(Must be large enough to hold $2 billion in cash.)

Elon Musk — Former Head of DOGE

A new federal agency to destroy.

(It will be frequently renamed and woefully understaffed, and its failure will be blamed on “woke bureaucrats” within weeks.)

Mike Johnson — Speaker of the House

A pocket Bible with footnotes written by Fox News producers.

(Features selective verses highlighted for those moments when he’s briefly cornered by harassing journalists.)

Kristi Noem — Secretary of Homeland Security

A cosplay badge labeled, “Tough on Crime.”

(Pairs nicely with a press conference backdrop of razor wire.)

Tom Homan — Border Czar

A wall calendar that’s just one never-ending emergency.

(Every day is labeled “NATIONAL CRISIS!” CAVA bag full of cash optional.)

Russell Vought — Budget Director

A do-it-yourself government shutdown kit.

(Includes talking points, blame assignments, and a prewritten op-ed about “discipline.”)

Steve Bannon — Ideological Influencer

A podcast microphone that only records grievances.

(Background noise is permanently set to “apocalypse.”)

Alina Habba — Attack Lawyer

A courtroom microphone with a mute button she can’t find.

(She still insists the trial is going extremely well.)

Rudy Giuliani — Disgraced Personal Lawyer

A new purpose, campaigning in support of renaming the country, “The Donald J. Trump United States.”

(The first press conference is set for Four Seasons Total Landscaping, naturally.)

And a few administration-themed stocking stuffers for the entire group …

• Burner Phones
• Do-It-Yourself Non-Disclosure Agreements
• Alternative Facts Notepads
• Fake Nobel Peace Prize Medallions
• Gold-Plated Phone Chargers
• Fact-Checker Evader Glasses
• Nuclear Button Belt Buckles
• Matching Loyalty Oaths Written on Dissolving Paper

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

• Ray Richmond is a longtime journalist/author and an adjunct professor at Chapman University in Orange, CA.