REMATCH

by Kim Mooney

In my whole life, I have never felt such sleep-deprived, lip-biting, arm-twisting political tension in my country. The other side is not just wrong, but fatally dangerous. Many people feel that we’re being manipulated to stay hateful and divided. It’s exhausting.

Every year there’s a confetti flood of articles about how to survive your stress or grief or self-care during the holidays. This year there is a phone book worth of articles on SURVIVING THE HOLIDAYS WITH FAMILY MEMBERS WITH OPPOSING POLITICS.

Even though there are people who navigate politics easily, we have a bumper crop of self-righteous and furious citizens this year. Some families will never recover from holiday brawls. I am not making this up.

For some people, the great tips about getting along over the Thanksgiving table weren’t enough. This article is for those people. Bless the rest of you who have more open hearts, self-restraint or Ativan. But if those tips didn’t work a couple weeks ago, you’re going to have to bump up your game.

Set Realistic Expectations. This isn’t a random cocktail party or Zoom work conversation. You know who will be there and how they work, although a stray new boyfriend could show up, or the cousin who hasn’t been invited to family gatherings for 22 years, and now you’ll all remember why.

Know what you want. If you actually hear the word ‘rematch’ in your head, either regroup or don’t go. If it’s something happier or more precious, work to make it happen.

Don’t try to change anyone’s mind. You won’t.

Eliminate alcohol. Lowered inhibitions easily turn into no inhibitions and confirm the certainty that you are brilliant and right. And then I swear to god you’re going to try to change somebody’s mind.

Prepare ahead of time. Some people aren’t good on the spur of the moment. Send an email suggesting everyone come with one good memory — of Grandma, of childhood, or the famous story of how Uncle Al lost his dentures in the punch bowl. Or maybe what you would want to be named if you were a dog. Some people don’t do funny. Ask them to tell you why they don’t want to have a dog name. You’ll get to know a lot about that new boyfriend.

Find an Ally. The simple guidance before the holidays was to enlist someone you trust to have your back if you start to get triggered. Have a code word or special eye blink, they said.

If it didn’t work, this time get your ally into the seat next to you. Be ruthless. You need this. Then you can play knee-to-knee morse code. Or…. they can pinch you if you can’t shut up. Pinching works. Ask any third grade girl. Start a family tradition.

Pick a mature person to call time out if things get hot. Absolutely their call when to call it. Get everyone to head nod to the appointment. Getting a group nod is like a giant pinky swear and it can stop 40% of a nasty behavior. Get the mature person a whistle, or better a kazoo.

Start With Something You Can Agree On. This is core to negotiation skills from cavemen to Harvard research studies. I was recently in a new group that could easily have gone off the rails, so

I started by asking if we could agree on any one of three things.

The Beatles were better than the Rolling Stones. No agreement.

Dogs are better than people. Better – Partial agreement.

We all want this country to feel safer and more peaceful. One hundred percent agreement.

Huddle as soon as you’re all there. Don’t wait until you’re at the dinner table. You can’t savor those fluffy mashed potatoes when the person across the table is wearing their frozen neutral face which is anything but. You can always tell by the eyes.

You know which prompts are going to help everyone feel comfortable. Don’t try to sneak one in that is benign on the surface, but carries the covert intention of a throat punch.

Go Thumper. If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.

Silence delivers powerful messages. So does leaving the room. But if you retreat to the small guest bathroom to cool off, be honest about what you’re doing. Are you preparing better arguments? Are you breathing into your belly? Stay there until you’re different.

And if you can’t do that? Go outside. Go for cigarettes. You don’t actually have to come back.

Here’s the thing almost no one wants to consider. Maybe next year you shouldn’t go. Not just for your sake, but for everyone’s. You know if that’s true.

Review how it went. Reflect on your own manners.

Did you make it easier for people to get along? They will treasure you for it.

Did you contribute to tension? They will remember you for it.

Were you indignant at others’ obvious stupidity? You know they felt it.

Were you heartbroken watching people hurt each other? You probably weren’t the only one.

And if there were kids there, did you teach them what you want them to learn?

Here’s the golden question. It’s really the only question ever worth asking, like in your whole life, like every day, like all day long…

How would I treat someone if I knew this was the last time I would ever see them alive?

Don’t cringe. Don’t make the ew sound. Don’t act like you can’t believe I would end an article with such a downer. This is the golden ticket to stop us from miscalculating being careless. Life is unpredictable, time is finite, and being right, like all the holiday songs are trying to remind us, is not even a close second to being kind.

That’s the real rematch.

Kim Mooney, with Practically Dying, LLC, works with people helping them to rethink life and death and to get through some of the toughest times of their lives.

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