I research self-regulation for a living. As a parent, it can be hard to follow my own advice.

• I study self-regulation, but I still struggle to manage my emotions as a parent at times.
• Parents' actions can strongly shape how children develop self-regulation, so I'd like to do better.
• Strategies like deep breathing, self-talk, and cardio have helped me improve my own self-regulation.

As someone who researches self-regulation for a living, it's a little ironic to admit that I can really struggle with regulating my emotions as a parent.

Over the past few months, I've been writing a book about improving young children's self-regulation. I've read through a ton of research, written many chapters, and published papers on this very topic, but when my 3-year-old purposely dumps water on the floor, my initial response is to yell.

But, after all that research, I've discovered two things to be true: my 3-year-old needs more help developing his self-regulation — and so do I. Even with all of my knowledge in this area, I have found it challenging to follow my own advice, especially when things get stressful at home.

Self-regulation doesn't come easily

Clinically speaking, self-regulation is the ability to regulate your behaviors and emotions, which can include quickly shifting your attention away from what you are doing to another task (cooking dinner and managing your toddler's behavior) as well as trying to suppress an action that you know is inappropriate (harsh tones or yelling) and replacing it with a better action (calmly talking).

I've noticed that I especially struggle with shifting my attention, which has become even harder since we recently welcomed our second son into our family. With two kids, my attention is being pulled in several different directions now, which makes completing simple tasks ever harder.

I may try to clean up after dinner, while my 3-year-old is demanding that he wants to go outside with me instead of my wife, and my baby is covered in food, and there's double the noise. This significantly increases the demands on my own self-regulation, and has led to my struggling to keep a calm tone with my energetic 3-year-old.

Professionally, I know the greatest gift I can give my sons is being a well-regulated father. What we model in the home is critically important in our children's development. Research indicates that when parents exhibit anxious behavior, children are more likely to develop anxiety. The same is true for modeling physical activity, healthy eating habits, and cell phone use. How we parent our children is related to how they develop self-regulation. Even with the knowledge that my struggles with self-regulation can be directly linked to my sons' development, it's still been a struggle to make changes in my behavior.

I'm trying to improve

There are many ways to help develop self-regulation in young children, like through free play and games. The games you played as a child, such as Red Light, Green Light, have been shown to help develop these regulatory skills. Your child's ability to stop when they want to keep going is the same skill they'll need in real-life situations, like pausing instead of running away from you at the store.

There are a few things I am doing to try to manage my own regulation. First, I am trying to build awareness of when and where I am feeling the most frustrated throughout the day. For me, that usually ends up being when we need to get out the door in the morning and at dinner time. To help, my wife and I have brainstormed ways to change our routines, which have helped reduce frustrations all around.

These frustrating moments, of course, are a recurring part of family life. In these moments, like when our children refuse to sleep, I have tried to make deep breathing a key first step in calming my body.

I have also started to self-talk, using my inner monologue to remind myself that my kids will eventually fall asleep; they just need a little support. That awareness has been very helpful.

Finally, I have started incorporating more regular cardio into my routine, which was challenging to do with the limited time I have in my day, but it has been worth it. Through activating different parts of the brain, cardio has been shown to enhance self-regulation, improve mood, and reduce stress. I almost always feel better after a sweat session.

All of these strategies are helping me stay more engaged and present with my kids. As they continue to grow, I want to show them that I, too, can work and improve my own behavior, just as we are asking them to. Being more thoughtful and purposeful with self-regulation has led to a happier and calmer home, and who doesn't want that?