Three Kings White Elephant Gift Exchange

A great star shines over a stable in Bethlehem. The Three Kings arrive and kneel before the Holy Family.

BALTHAZAR: We come bearing gifts for the newborn king, O Holy Ones.

MARY: Just put them on the table. We’re doing a white elephant thing this year.

MELCHIOR: White elephant?! Where?

MARY: No, we take turns opening gifts. You can keep the one you open, or switch with anyone else. What could possibly go wrong?

GASPAR: The King of Kings was meant to bring peace on Earth. This will surely cause hatred, greed, and jealousy.

MARY: Oh, it’ll be fun. I’ll start. Ooooh. Gold! Now THAT is a present. Thank you! You’re up, Melchior.

MELCHIOR: I want to go on the record saying I think this is a bad idea. But let’s see. Hmmm, myrrh. I’m going to be honest—I’m a wise man, and even I don’t know what myrrh is. So, I’ll switch it for the gold. Is that how this works?

MARY: I’m the Mother of God, so you can’t do that.

MELCHIOR: Your rules, not mine. Okay, Balthazar, you’re next.

BALTHAZAR: All right, what’s this? A piece of paper. It says, “I’ll play my drums for you.” Gee, I wonder who this is from? (He glares at Little Drummer Boy.)

JOSEPH: We call him Little Drummer Boy.

BALTHAZAR: Does he have a name?

LITTLE DRUMMER BOY: Sir, my name is Sa…

JOSEPH: No, we just call him Little Drummer Boy.

BALTHAZAR: Okay, well, I’ll be switching this for the gold. Yoink. Sorry, Melchior.

MELCHIOR: Christ! A drum concert? I didn’t traverse afar for a drum concert. Hey, Little Drummer Boy, can you play “Far, Far Away”?

LITTLE DRUMMER BOY: I don’t know that song, sir.

MELCHIOR: No, I mean, can you play far, far away? I can’t believe you fell for that joke. It’s as old as the Sphinx. You walked right into it.

LITTLE DRUMMER BOY: I’m just a little boy, sir…

GASPAR: Now, now, Melchior, be nice. I fear this white elephant thing is bringing out the worst in all of us. Okay, my turn. What do we have here? A wooden cutting board in the shape of Judea…

MARY: That’s from Joseph. He’s a carpenter. It’s like living with Nick Offerman over here. Last year, he made me a canoe. Real romantic…

GASPAR: It’s lovely and all… but I’ll be switching it for, oh, I don’t know, THE GOLD.

BALTHAZAR: God dammit. I already have a cutting board.

JOSEPH: But not one shaped like Judea. Okay, I’m up. Let’s see. Frankincense. Huh. Can never have too much frankincense. But… I’ll be taking…

EVERYONE: …THE GOLD.

JOSEPH: Come to Papa…

GASPAR: Crap! I hate this. Let’s just get it over with. You’re up, Little Drummer Boy.

LITTLE DRUMMER BOY: My name is Sa…

EVERYONE: Just open your gift, LDB.

LITTLE DRUMMER BOY: Hmmm. A piece of paper. “I will also play drums for you.”

MARY: I didn’t have time to go shopping. When I wasn’t traveling to Bethlehem on a donkey, I was giving birth. And someone forgot to make a hotel reservation.

LITTLE DRUMMER BOY: Well, I think I’ll exchange this for the cutting board. Just kidding—I’ll take the gold.

GASPAR: Oh, come on! Don’t you want that awesome myrrh?

LITTLE DRUMMER BOY: Not to harp on income inequality, but this gold is like a 150-year shepherd’s salary for me. Okay, so I guess we’re done here. See you all at Easter!

MARY: Wait—Jesus hasn’t gone yet.

MELCHIOR: Jesus? He didn’t even bring a present. You don’t get to go if you don’t bring a gift.

MARY: When would he have had time to shop? He was just born. Besides, the stores—Herod’s, Forever 21 B.C., Neiman Marcus Aurelius—are all closed for Christmas.

JOSEPH: Look, He’s pointing at something.

LITTLE DRUMMER BOY: I think he’s pointing at the frankincense.

BALTHAZAR: No, no, no, it’s definitely the gold. Haha! Take that, Little Drummer Boy.

LITTLE DRUMMER BOY: My name is Sa…

MARY: Look, this may have been a bad idea, and perhaps I should have listened to the Wise Men. I know we’re all very angry right now…

EVERYONE: (grumbling) Yeah, everyone except for Jesus… (Jesus pats the gold and winks.)

MARY: I promise next year we’ll honor the Savior’s birth with dignity and grace: ugly sweaters.