The Trump Administration’s Guide to Christmas Giving

The good news: We are saying “Merry Christmas” again. (It is now compulsory, or the FCC will come for your license.) The bad news: Christmas rationing is indeed in effect.

Please consider the following gifting instructions from our president, who is also tightening his belt this Christmas (only demolishing one wing of the White House to install a lavish ballroom instead of both).

For Mom: A tariff!

For Dad: A tariff!

For Grandma: A tariff! Did they not want tariffs? That’s what we got everyone. Sorry.

For Uncle Greg: A TINY CAR!!! (We’re making these now.)

For Her: A photoshoot with Vanity Fair. Nothing says “glamour” like Vanity Fair. Usually. But sometimes the picture they take of you comes out looking like Dorian Gray’s DMV photo—unflattering, but in a way that implies deep spiritual corruption. This gives a fun Russian-roulette aspect to the gift!

For the Man Who Has Everything: Surprise MRI for no reason! Donald Trump has everything and he keeps getting these, so they must be a fun, cool luxury item and not cause for any kind of alarm.

For the Historian: Piece of East Wing rubble, possibly haunted. Does someone in your life love history or respect White House traditions? Great! We have a bunch of junk to unload on a mark like her.

For the Frequent Flier: Air Force One, lightly used. We’ve just received a better plane from Qatar. If you fly private, you can wear whatever you want to the airport, even pajamas!  

For the Vaccine-Skeptical: Measles. A special surprise from the Trump administration. Don’t know what to get your child? That might not be a problem next year.

For Everyone Else on Your List: AI Something? There’s demand for this, isn’t there? Please tell us there’s demand, or the whole economy is going to break.                                                       

For Your Uncle (You’ll Know Which One): This John McNaughton painting titled The Secret Service, which features Donald Trump and some angels.

For That Special Someone: A presidential pardon. Just because! You never know when one of these will come in handy. It’ll have everyone but the recipient saying “You shouldn’t have!,” especially when that special someone goes on to commit additional crimes.

For the Budding Artist in Your Life: One or two pencils. (“You can give up certain products … Every child [can’t] get 37 pencils. They only need one or two. They don’t need that many,” President Trump explained a few months ago.) We understand that this raises a question: Who was buying 37 pencils before? Are these colored pencils or just standard No. 2 Ticonderogas? We don’t know! Good luck with this oddly specific presidential instruction.

For Your Daughter: One doll, or, perhaps, if you are feeling indulgent, two! (“Two or three is nice. You don’t need 37 dolls.”  — the president, again.) Indeed, apply this guidance generally. Instead of a box full of crayons, consider one or two loose crayons! Instead of an advent calendar full of toys, consider an advent calendar empty of toys! Instead of a candy cane, consider no candy mobility aids at all, which reek of accessibility and imply concessions to Tiny Tim.

Remember, there’s nothing more disappointing than a tree that has too many presents under it. Then you can’t properly see the tree. Also remember that not having a job will build resilience. Donald Trump briefly did not have a job and now look at him. He’s King of the United States!

If you’re still feeling the pinch, consider culling your list. Don’t give any gifts to adults, unless that adult is Border Czar Tom Homan, in which case you can give him $50,000 cash in a discreet CAVA bag. There are two ways to remove people from your list: through attrition and through measles (see above).

If you’re still at a loss, maybe just get everyone one big egg (Large, Grade A). Or some coal!   

Coal can be an amazing gift. Timeless. Classic. She is the moment, to quote something the Department of Energy actually posted on X.

Before buying, be sure to check where your gifts were manufactured! Gifts produced at the North Pole are unfortunately subject to tariffs, just as with the islands-uninhabited-except-by-penguins situation. Those penguins know what they did.

Merry Christmas, or Else,

Team Trump