Santa’s Workshop Joins the Gig Economy

For one magical night a year, Santa and his friends bring holiday cheer to millions of people around the world. For the rest of the 364 nights? They’re just like us: hustling to get by in an ever-shrinking global economy.

Rudolph hasn’t had time for any reindeer games lately, thanks to the extra shifts he’s picked up as a Lyft driver. That glowing nose is easy for drunk people to find on Saturday night, but he wishes they’d stop asking him if it has a strobe setting.

The elves have still been working at Santa’s workshop, of course, but on weekends they supplement by working at one of Jeff Bezos’ sweatshops. Try their new line of Amazon elf-ssentials.

Yukon Cornelius vlogs full-time about his nomadic adventure lifestyle with best pal Bumble. His latest YouTube video is brought to you by Dude Wipes. Don’t forget to like and subscribe!

Snowmiser has minted his own meme coin, IcyCoin. It might liquify into a worthless puddle come springtime, but that’s just the risk one takes with cryptocurrency.

Heatmiser recently monetized his podcast, Men Under Fire, where he reads ads for testosterone supplements in between segments about how real men don’t ask for permission to commit arson.

At the North Pole, he’s still just Dasher, but lately he’s also a DoorDasher. Please tip him in cash, not carrots–he’s trying to put two calves through flying school.

Sam The Snowman has made 50k this year selling feet pics (yes, he has feet under there), and you can too if you buy his online course.

Mrs. Clause is now a trad wife influencer, posting daily content about homesteading on the tundra. Check out her viral Christmas cookie video, where she takes nine hours to make six cookies from scratch. The first step? Milking the reindeer (Affiliate links to raw reindeer milk in bio).

As for Santa, he’s diversifying his portfolio:

With his own brand of tequila.

An exclusive make-up line.

A mobile wireless company.

And, of course, feet pics. So, this Christmas Eve, before you leave Old Saint Nick a glass of milk and a plate of cookies, consider leaving him a tip instead (He accepts cash, check, or money order, as well as Venmo, Paypal, or Cash App @$anta4hire). Traditions are nice and all, but in this economy? It’s all about the ho ho hustle. Merry Cashmus to all and to all a good night!