Asking Eric: My 12-step sponsor crossed a line, and now I don’t trust her

Dear Eric: I am in a 12-step program. We have rules about anonymity and confidentiality, specifically that what is shared in a meeting stays at the meeting, and I trust that this applies to information shared between members and their sponsors outside of the meetings.

In a recent meeting, my sponsor, “Sally,” used her sharing time to talk about another sponsee, who wasn’t present. She proceeded to describe in significant detail how the sponsee appeared to be completely in her old addiction.

While I’m sure this behavior was disappointing and upsetting to “Sally” and that she may have needed to process her feelings or vent about this, I also strongly feel it was inappropriate to describe these details to a group of 15 people, one of whom was me, who knew exactly whom she was talking about.

Perhaps she could have discussed it confidentially with her own sponsor. She could have even characterized the person as a fellow-traveler or friend but used the term “sponsee.”

I have lost trust in my sponsor. I don’t feel safe sharing personal information about my own failings, because she may decide it’s OK to tell other people about my issues. I have witnessed her engaging in gossip about our group’s members in the past, but this crossed a line.

I have been her sponsee since 2016.

I am trying to decide if I should tell her about my concerns. But I also know it is not my job to “fix” her.

I welcome your insights.

– Overshared

Dear Overshared: I agree that Sally should have discussed this with her sponsor, if for no other reason than a one-on-one conversation could have helped her check her thinking and determine what, if anything, was appropriate for the group and what veered too close to gossip.

Every person’s recovery journey is unique, and you need to be able to set yourself up for success. So, if Sally’s share is presenting an obstacle, for the sake of your recovery, you should explore a new sponsor relationship. This may be temporary, or it might be permanent. It’s up to you.

When you talk to her, remember that the goal isn’t to fix her, or even to give her advice about her share. Speak from personal experience. “This is what I heard, and this is what I feel, and so this is what I’m going to do to address those feelings.” This will help keep your concerns from blossoming into resentments, or other negative feelings that could endanger your recovery.

Dear Eric: My husband of 45 years is a naturalized citizen who has been targeted in the past by law enforcement because of his skin color.

I am struggling with anxiety and depression, afraid that he might be a target again in today’s scary environment.

I have shared my feelings with several lifelong close friends. These friends haven’t taken the time to check in on me since I have shared this with them.

I feel I have been there for them during the years as they have encountered some of life’s challenges and find myself questioning whether I should continue our friendship. Do you have any advice for me?

– Disappointed

Dear Disappointed: Not knowing what to say shouldn’t stop any of us from reaching out to a friend in need, but it’s possible that they read the headlines and don’t have any encouragement to offer.

I don’t mean to make excuses for your friends, but perhaps they feel as powerless as you do and don’t know how to best be there for you, even though what you want and need is just a check-in.

This might be a case where you have to be a bit more vocal and specific about the kind of support you need.

It can feel counterintuitive to tell loved ones “I would like for you to call me to check on me.” One might think, “Shouldn’t they know they should call me?” Well, yes and no. We’re all navigating our own complicated worlds and sometimes our empathy or good intentions don’t fully meet the mark.

It’s OK for you to need more than you’re getting and it’ll be more useful for you to ask for what you need than to drop the friendships, which would shrink your support network.

Dear Eric: This is in response to “Unthanked,” whose daughter struggled to send thank-you notes after a shower.

When we would host a shower, we had everyone address an envelope (for the thank-you cards) and we used it for a drawing of a centerpiece for them to take home. This helped the bride/mother-to-be when it came time to write the notes.

– Thanked

Dear Thanked: A great (and popular) suggestion. I especially love using the envelopes for a raffle at the shower itself. Everyone wins!

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.