Frumpy Mom: It’s almost Christmas and I’m not ready

Well, here we are, mere nanoseconds away from Christmas and I’m completely ready to go.

My tree is glowing, the presents are all wrapped, the table is set with beautiful decorations and the lights are illuminating the front of the house in the most festive way possible, even outdoing Clark Griswold.

For the first time in recent years, I got around to sending Christmas cards that I made by hand while otherwise wasting time watching Hallmark movies on TV.

And, if you believe all that, I have some deeds to acreage on the planet Mars that I’d like to sell you.

Okay, okay, truthfully, I’m not ready at all, but I have friends who have seized the festive spirit and embraced Christmas like it was an elderly billionaire uncle with no children and a bad heart.

I haven’t quite gotten around to decorating our evergreen petroleum-based Christmas tree, although Cheetah Boy has brought it in from the garage, taken it out of its traditional plastic bag and erected it next to the fireplace.

I have one friend who would definitely scoff at this, because she’s already finished not one, not two, not three but four holiday trees that she annually spreads around her 1,200-square-foot house, fully decorated and shouting the festive spirit of the holidays. Actually, she’s feeling a bit guilty because in the past she’s put up five trees, but now she has a slightly smaller space to work with.

We all admire this person for many reasons (and some of you regular readers would recognize her name) because she’s talented, funny, hard-working, sincere, beautiful and generous. But I particularly admire her verve at celebrating Christmas.

There was a time I, too, went overboard at the season, hanging, nailing, or otherwise attaching decorations on every conceivable space inside and outside the house. I haunted the thrift shops for vintage finds. “Ooh, a ratty old plastic Santa in his sleigh from the 1950s! This will look great on the porch!”

It was like I created my own personal holiday pop-up Christmas bar, except I limited who could come in and get smashed.

I still enjoy decorating, but I just can’t get into taking everything down afterward. So I’ve scaled back to more modest proportions, especially now that my kids are adults. I suspect some of you feel the same.

I’ve replaced this with just going to existing Christmas pop-up bars and enjoying other people’s decorations. Luckily, more and more places are jumping on this bandwagon, apparently attracted by the chance to charge $18 for an eggnog cocktail.

However, this year I’m excitedly looking forward to the arrival of my oldest (well, okay, only) female child, Curly Girl, who will be flying home with two babies from her new abode in northern Washington State. This is the first time she’s been back since she moved up there in August, and I can’t wait to see her.

There’s been widespread flooding due to heavy rain where she lives, and I used the opportunity to ask her whether she’s ready to move back home now. “Mom, I like the rain,” was her response, leading me to believe that living up there has driven her crazy.

My first grandchild, Floyd, is about to turn three, and he also seems excited to see me, his Nana. This is thrilling to me, and I can’t wait. I’ve never been much of a baby person, so I’m looking forward to spending more time with him now that he’s able to communicate with more than a loud wail.

Then there’s Mabel, who just turned one a few weeks ago. She’s a beautiful girl and, like her mother, very smart. Advice: Try not to have smart children or pets. They’ll drive you crazy, although they are useful for fixing your smartphone when it mystifies you.

I’m in the midst of a massive cleaning and decluttering spurt before they get here, so there’s a clear path to walk through the rooms. I’m joking about that part, but I would like to remove everything that toddlers can grab and break or stick down their ear canals, which could require a trip to the emergency room. Ask me how I know this.

I’m excited that we’re able to go back to the Queen Mary again for Christmas dinner. This was our family tradition for years, until it closed for repairs, forcing us to scrounge for a replacement. But, yay, the ship is open again, so we can go back.

I hope your holiday is bright. I’ll let you know how things go.