Parenting Through Addiction: Love, Boundaries, and the Long Road to Recovery
When news broke that Hollywood director Rob Reiner and his wife, Michele Singer Reiner, were found fatally stabbed in their Los Angeles home and their 32-year-old son was arrested in connection with their deaths, the shock reverberated far beyond Brentwood. The story is still unfolding.
In the scramble to understand what happened, one heartbreaking thread quickly comes to light. It’s the long, public struggle that the Reiners’ son, Nick Reiner, had with addiction and his mental health that the family had faced for years. The struggle is familiar to millions of parents across the country. This tragedy raises questions many families contend with quietly, painfully and without cameras: What does it really look like when a child battles addiction, and how can parents navigate that terrain with love, boundaries and hope?
I reached out to experts who work with families in crisis for their insights on how to support loved ones while taking care of yourself too.
RELATED: When Harry Met Sally Director Rob Reiner Revealed Troubled Dynamics With Son Before His Murder
What It’s Really Like to Parent a Child With Addiction
When Joanna L. Conti’s 19-year-old daughter was airlifted to shock trauma after a car accident in 2008, the crisis revealed something even more terrifying than the crash itself: her daughter had been drinking to potentially lethal levels night after night. What followed were six years of residential treatment programs, outpatient care, and long stretches in sober living homes, along with the constant fear that the next phone call would bring devastating news.
Conti, now the founder and CEO of Vista Research Group and co-founder of the nonprofit Conquer Addiction, says that despite running for Congress, launching international nonprofits, and surviving the 2008 recession as a business leader, helping her child recover from addiction was the hardest thing she’s ever done.
“Loving an addict is infuriating,” Conti says. “When it’s your child, intense love is tangled with fear and rage. For long stretches, every time my phone rang, I braced myself for the news that my daughter had died.” Her daughter ultimately recovered in 2013 and is now a thriving professional and mother of four, but Conti is clear that recovery is rarely simple or linear. According to data collected by Vista Research Group, treatment outcomes vary dramatically. Some rehabs report over 50% of patients abstinent one year later; others fall below 20%. Many people require multiple treatment attempts. On average, today’s rehab patient is entering treatment for the third time, and some have been in treatment more than ten times.
For parents, this reality creates agonizing questions with no easy answers: Do you let your child stay at home if they’re using? Do you cut off contact? Do you keep paying for treatment after repeated relapses? Conti’s work now focuses on helping families make those decisions with better data and more realistic expectations while holding onto hope.
How Addiction Rewrites Family Life
Addiction doesn’t just affect the person using substances. It can quietly take over an entire household. According to Sherri Kaplan, LCSW, Vice President of Program Excellence at CN Guidance, families often find themselves reorganizing everything around the child who is struggling.
“Addiction can dominate family life,” Kaplan explains. “Trust breaks down. Parents and siblings may feel like they’re walking on eggshells, unsure what version of their loved one they’ll encounter day to day.”
Normal routines give way to crisis management. Communication becomes reactive or avoidant. Parents may unintentionally slip into unhealthy roles—monitoring, rescuing, or covering up—simply to keep things from exploding.
Dr. Chad Elkin, MD, a board-certified addiction medicine physician and Medical Director at National Addiction Specialists, adds that many parents don’t realize how quickly their role can shift. “Trust erodes, boundaries blur, and parents may become enablers without meaning to,” he says. “All while trying to protect someone they love from self-destruction.”
The Emotional Toll Parents Rarely Talk About
For parents, the emotional weight of loving a child with addiction can be overwhelming. Kaplan says many live in a constant state of fear of overdose, accidents, legal trouble, or death. The worry keeps their nervous systems on high alert.
Dr. Elkin describes it as “emotional whiplash.” Parents often feel guilt for missing early warning signs, grief for the life they imagined for their child, and exhaustion from years of hyper-vigilance. Yet hope never fully disappears—and that hope, while sustaining, can also be painful.
Conti echoes that experience. “I’ve spoken with hundreds of parents whose children didn’t survive,” she says. “You’re constantly balancing hope against heartbreak.”
Supporting a Child Without Enabling the Addiction
One of the hardest lessons for parents is learning how to stay supportive without fueling the addiction itself. Kaplan emphasizes that love and boundaries are not opposites—they’re partners.
“Refusing to participate in behaviors that allow addiction and chaos to continue is a form of support,” she says. Parents can encourage treatment, offer emotional presence, and provide practical help—like paying for therapy directly or offering rides to appointments—while still refusing to give cash or shield their child from consequences.
Dr. Elkin frames it simply: “Support means loving the person, not the behavior.” That often requires resisting the urge to rescue a child from every fallout, even when it feels unbearable.
Why Boundaries Are an Act of Love
Setting boundaries can feel cruel to parents already consumed by worry, but experts agree they are essential for everyone’s safety and mental health.
Kaplan notes that boundaries protect parents from burnout and reduce behaviors that unintentionally enable addiction. Examples may include refusing to engage in arguments while a child is intoxicated, not allowing substance use in the home, or requiring treatment participation as a condition for certain types of support.
Clear, calm language matters. “Using statements like, ‘I will not give you money unless it’s for recovery,’ sets expectations without shaming,” Kaplan says. “Boundaries should be communicated with clarity and consistency, along with predefined consequences.”
Dr. Elkin adds that parents must also care for themselves through therapy, support groups, or spiritual practices. This helps parents and caregivers stay grounded during prolonged crises.
What Recovery Really Looks Like and How Families Survive Relapse
Perhaps the most important truth experts want families to understand is this: recovery is not linear.
Some people recover after one episode of treatment. Many don’t. Relapse is common and does not mean failure. According to both Kaplan and Dr. Elkin, relapse should be viewed as information. It’s an opportunity to reassess what supports were missing and what needs to change in the recovery plan.
“The longer someone stays engaged in recovery supports, the more stable change becomes,” Kaplan says. Families who understand this reality are better equipped to manage fear, avoid panic, and protect their own well-being through setbacks.
Talking About Addiction With Compassion, Not Shame
Language matters more than many parents realize. Dr. Elkin urges families to use people-first language and avoid moralizing addiction, which is a chronic medical condition, not a character flaw.
Kaplan recommends using “I” statements to separate the person from the disease: “I feel scared when I see you struggling,” rather than accusations or labels. Even in moments of anger, rehashing past mistakes only deepens shame and defensiveness.
Sometimes, she suggests, parents may even write down compassionate phrases ahead of time to use during emotionally charged moments. Simple reminders like, “You matter to me. I’m here for you,” can keep communication open when everything else feels out of control.
The tragedy involving the Reiner family is still unfolding, and it deserves care, restraint, and humanity. But beyond the headlines, it has forced a painful reality into public view. Addiction doesn’t happen in isolation. It lives inside families, reshapes relationships, and asks parents to make decisions no one ever prepares for.
As the experts here emphasize, there is no single right way to navigate a child’s addiction. There are only imperfect choices made under extraordinary emotional strain. These are choices that require compassion, boundaries, and often, outside support. Recovery can take time. Relapse can happen. And none of it means a parent has failed.
For families living this reality quietly, behind closed doors, the message is this: you are not alone, you are not to blame, and it’s okay to care for yourself while still loving your child deeply. Hope doesn’t always look like a straight line either, but it can still exist, even in the hardest seasons.
If You’re Parenting a Child Struggling With Addiction or Mental Health Challenges
You don’t have to navigate this alone. These trusted, national resources offer confidential support, guidance, and help finding treatment for both you and your child.
SAMHSA’s National Helpline: Free, confidential help connecting families to treatment and local resources. Call: 1-800-662-HELP (4357). Text: HELP to 4357.
National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): Education, support groups, and a helpline for parents and caregivers. NAMI’s Family-to-Family program is especially helpful for families.
Partnership to End Addiction: Dedicated specifically to parents of children and teens with substance use issues. Offers parent coaching, a helpline, and evidence-based guidance.
Al-Anon Family Groups: Peer support for families affected by alcohol use disorder, with meetings available nationwide and online.
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: If you or your child are in immediate emotional distress, call or text 988 to connect with trained crisis counselors. They’re open 24/7, it’s free, and it’s confidential.
If you’re worried about immediate safety, don’t wait. Reach out to emergency services or a crisis line right away.