Tales from the Coffeeshop: Could halloumi deal be key to solving Cyprus problem?

GREAT excitement and joy gripped the fast-contracting Cyprob mob after Thursday’s meeting of the true leader and the fake leader with the UNSG’s personal envoy Maria Angela Holguin as it was held in a “very good atmosphere” and lasted more than three hours.

The post-meeting announcement issued by the UN was drenched in positivity, stating that Christodoulides and Erhurman agreed that “the real aim is the solution of the Cyprus problem with political equality as described by UN Security Council resolutions.” 

There was more cause for optimism overdose. According to the UN, “They (leaders) agreed to concentrate on achieving new agreements as soon as possible, especially on the issue of the opening of new crossing points, the halloumi issue and the construction of pipelines from the Mia Milia water treatment plant.”

Prezniktwo even agreed to a suffocating timeframe for finding a solution to the halloumi problem, which was threatening to overshadow the main problem. The halloumi settlement deadline has been set for the end of January.

EVERYONE is happier when there is a little bit of movement – preferably nothing major – on the Cyprob, a happiness we were denied for the five years of Ersin Tatar’s leadership, during which the killjoy accountant ensured nothing moved or stirred.

The pro-settlement peaceniks see any type of movement as a cause for optimism and hope that things will be different this time. Maybe they hope the halloumi solution next month will be a catalyst for a comprehensive settlement in the not too distant future.

The anti-settlement hawks also welcome movement, because it allows them to engage in patriotic scaremongering about the unjust, unfair, pro-Turkish agreement that evil foreigners will want to impose on the poor, defenceless Greek Cypriots.

As if to prove the point, Phil’s resident Cyprob resistance fighters have already started issuing warnings about some hidden agenda regarding the “political equality” mentioned in the UN statement. They are overjoyed to have the Cyprob moving again and giving them a reason to be anxious and stressed about what lies in store.

VERY LITTLE was known about Costas Fytiris, the retired vice admiral of our non-existent navy, who ended up as minister of justice and public order in the cabinet reshuffle.

A one minute and 25 seconds film clip posted on the Offsite News’ X feed, titled the ‘The Fytiris phenomenon’ gave us some very useful information about the man, who it presented as a superhero.

The film that comes across like a paid advert belonging more to the election campaign genre, praised the qualities of the man who is presented as the newly-arrived Rambo of politics. It is so ridiculously over the top you’d think it was an AI-generated piss-take.

I do not think it was. There is a suspicion that Fytiris is related to someone high up at Offsite News, because he has commanded more coverage since his appointment than the prez of the Rep. My guess is that Fytiris wrote the text of the promotional clip. See below.

HERE is the transcript of the commentary with which Offsite News objectively reported the Fytiris phenomenon.

“There is a type of minister who changes things and in Cyprus this man is Constantinos Fytiris. Special forces, operations, vice admiral, former commander of the special forces, a man who has experienced crisis in real time and now minister… Impressive: all those from special forces, SEALS, SBS, Shayetet 13 super-perform in politics because pressure does not bow them, it energises them.

“Fytiris is of this category, low emotional reaction, clear judgment, operational thought. At the point where the average person says, ‘I can’t stand any more,’ he has learned that this is where work starts… Fytiris’ presence at the ministry shows institutional trust in people who have survived under real risk. Society does not lose when such people enter politics. It gains people that know how to keep the ship steady when others can just see the storm.”

We will know in a few weeks whether the Fytiris phenomenon refers to Rambo or a fruitcake.

THIS self-promotion was more embarrassing than the pictures of the new labour minister, Marinos Moushiouttas, being on the verge of tears at his swearing in ceremony. Is it such a deeply emotional experience to be appointed minister of labour that you have trouble holding back the tears?

Moushiouttas had obviously not served in the special forces and never survived under real risk or experienced crisis in real time like the fit fighter Fytiris. This is why the pressure of the appointment bowed him, and he displayed a high emotional reaction, in stark contrast to the Fytiris phenomenon.

ODYSSEAS did lots of stupid things as auditor-general, but as far as we know did not carry out inspections in disguise. Or perhaps he did, but did not allow anyone to take pictures of him, unlike the current auditor-general Andreas Papaconstantinou during his on- the-spot inspection of the buses.

The picture of undercover Papaconstantinou, wearing a terrible wig under a baseball cap and sunglasses, was included in the audit office file on the buses investigation and somehow found its way on to social media, causing him well-deserved embarrassment.

Did the guy seriously think anyone would recocgnise him if got on the bus as himself? To his credit, he has not yet acquired the instant recognisability of his publicity mad predecessor. He was sure to attract more attention looking like someone who had escaped from Athalassa hospital.

DEPUTIES were outraged that less of the taxpayer’s money was wasted on university students this year. Some 540 students, eligible for the scandalous scholarship given to everyone who finishes high school with an average mark over 19.65, were not paid the €3,000 they are entitled to.

In Kyproulla, some idiots decided that students who finish high school with a mark of 19.65 and over should be given a scholarship of €3,000 a year while at university! Their parents might be millionaires, who could afford to pay for them to have loads of private lessons while at school, but they would still get the three grand from the taxpayer.

It is just enough for a sandwich and a Coke a day said Disy deputy Giorgos Karoullas, defending the waste of the taxpayer’s money, on students who could be studying for free in a public university and be receiving the standard student grant as well. The finance ministry has prepared a supplementary budget so that not another day passes in which the 540 students are forced to survive without a sandwich and a Coke that will cost the taxpayer more than €1.5 million.

AGRICULTURE minister Maria Panayiotou, who was not reshuffled because she is friend of Mrs Prez, has justified being kept in the government with a quite brilliant water saving measure.

She has a plan to oblige any new seaside hotel unit to use seawater in its swimming pool. The law will not apply to existing seaside hotels because it involves a cost that our entitled hoteliers would never agree to paying. So how much water will this brilliant plan save?

If there are two new hotel units being built a year Panayiotou’s measure will save the water that would have gone into two large swimming pools, because there are not that many new seaside hotels being built – we have run out of seaside.

‘DRUGS and group sex at Haberturk TV’, read a headline in Phil, which led one excited skettos drinker at our establishment, to ask: “How do I apply for a job there?”

.