We’ve Defied President Nyarlathotep’s Psychic Siege Long Enough

“less than a week after voters loudly repudiated Trump, how are Senate Democrats—including minority leader Chuck Schumer—responding? By negotiating a shutdown deal with Republicans that will give Trump almost everything he wants, entrench the GOP’s austerity budget, and deepen the affordability crisis.” — The Nation

Well, everyone, it was a valiant and brave endeavor. We refused to capitulate during the Dread Lord Nyarlathotep’s nationwide psychic siege for over forty days. Sure, we already conceded on almost everything to keep the Necro-Regime open for another season of blight, including the subclause ensuring we keep delivering innocent souls unto the Wraith Brigade’s Trauma Division. But we knew where to put our foot down, and held strong in our demand: Death cultists, refill those fountain pens of yours with goat’s blood and add a protection incantation against the Affordable Care Act’s “Pound of Flesh” Premium.

For weeks, we made it clear that enough is enough. And I think I can speak for all of us in saying that the response from our constituents was nothing short of remarkable. All across this national hellscape, millions of despondent, demoralized, and maimed voters started poking their heads out from their hovels with looks of—dare I say it?—hope. They began murmuring to one another… “Did the Black Pharaoh-in-Chief actually forget to remove the spines from the backs of all their elected officials?” What’s more, they learned that a few competent daemon hunters were still among us—arcane conjurers ready and willing to fight back against the Crawling Chaos. Most of us distrust this young and exuberant lot, but even I have to admit the Archmage Mamdani has a great smile.

And if all that weren’t enough, even some of Nyarlathotep’s cultists appeared to stir from their eternal, shambling slumbers. Could it be that they started to suspect the record-breaking psychic siege was entirely of their Dread Lord’s conjuring? That their (clearly disintegrating) Elder God cared nothing about them except for their value as sacrificial pawns in his infernal chess game?

It was a heady few days, that’s for sure. But we now face a critical crossroads: Do we allow the rising tide of animus to continue to swell against the jackboots of these rancid, grotesque husks of humans? Or do we think the death cultists learned their lesson?

I think I can speak for all of us in saying that this psychic siege has gone on long enough. It is time to break maggot-infested bread with our frothing sadists across the aisle and come to an old-fashioned, bipartisan agreement. The fires inside Charnal House must be lit once more.

I’ve gone ahead and notified Nyarlathotep’s hierophants that we’ll give them everything they asked for, and will also throw in a few sacrificial firstborn children for the inconvenience. In exchange, they informed me that they promise to hold a vote on that Pound of Flesh Premium after we pass another couple of Blood Moon cycles.

This is a difficult era in our nation’s history, and it may even be our last. But right now it’s about the little victories. Yes, millions of innocent people may soon lose chunks of themselves to satiate Health Haint RFK Jr. But don’t you see? Everyone is talking about how awful everything is now. And that’s something they weren’t doing before we supplicated ourselves before Nyarlathotep’s writhing tentacles.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to proofread our next fundraising email. These voluntary supplications don’t pay for themselves.