Stop saying ‘how are you?’ and try these greetings instead

Every encounter with another person is an opportunity to shape that relationship. The first words out of your mouth are key in establishing the goodwill we all crave. Unfortunately, too often our opening lines damage that rapport.

I once had a client who was at a conference and saw a board member she wanted to get to know. She walked up to him and blurted out, “You look tired, have you been traveling?” He replied, “Why yes, I’ve just flown in from China.” She could see he was miffed by her negative comment. She admitted “I don’t know why I said that.” It was a poor start to a relationship she hoped to develop.

Below is a list of openers to avoid and suggestions for better choices.

GREETINGS TO AVOID

To begin with, steer clear of bland, clichéd questions that ask both too much and too little of the person you’re speaking with.

 “How are you?”  

This frequent greeting may be appropriate if you’re sitting down for a long conversation with a good friend. There can be times when it’s a sign of empathy for a friend you know is going through some difficult times.

But for pretty much anyone else, for casual acquaintances, or for colleagues in your office, avoid this greeting.

People today are facing a host of difficulties. According to a recent report, 66% of people in today’s workplace are grappling with some kind of job burnout. Meanwhile, 81% are afraid of losing their jobs. Others face issues at home.

Would a colleague want to unpack their life in what is a casual or passing encounter? Not likely. So, the response is usually a nod or a cliché like, “Not bad,” or “Okay.” The person answering won’t feel good about that cop out.

“What’s up?” or “SUP”

These greetings are common. They have the same overtones as, “How are you?” Only they’re slightly more flippant.

Saying to someone “What’s up?” puts them in a position of either responding with a meaningless cliché (“Not bad”) or unpacking their life in what is typically a passing encounter. Few people want to do that.       

“Hey!” or “Hay”

This is a poor choice because it is overly casual and offers nothing to the recipient. This greeting can feel offensive when directed to a friend, an acquaintance, or anyone who would expect you to offer some feeling of recognition or rapport.  

Saying “Hey” or “Hay” in fact borders on rudeness. My mother used to say “Hay is for horses [not for humans].” Indeed this greeting creates no human connection.

Also avoid greetings that carry negative baggage, and put the recipient on the defensive. Here are examples:

 “You  look tired,” “You don’t look yourself today,” or “Having a rough day?”

These openings unintentionally insult the listener.  It puts them on the defensive. If they are tired or down, you are asking them to confirm this negative assessment. If they feel better than you imply, you are demanding they defend themselves. You may think you’re showing empathy, but really you’re challenging the person you’re speaking with.

GREETINGS TO USE

For a group, a friendly greeting is always appropriate.

“Hi [name]. It’s nice to see you.”

When meeting someone, warm words, showing your appreciation of that person, provide an excellent start to a conversation. Using their name is another nice touch. Everyone wants to feel that someone enjoys being with them.

“Hi [name], that’s a great tie.”

Everyone wants to feel that they look good! So, if someone does look good, greet them by commenting favorably on some aspect of their appearance, such as their tie. Or do a variation of it: “I love your dress”  or “that color really suits you!”

You can even say “I like your style.” But beware that you don’t comment on how attractive someone is, or that could be viewed as sexist.

“Congratulations on your new job.”

This is an excellent way to begin . . . as are work compliments of any kind. These would include “happy to hear about your promotion . . . you deserve it” or “nice presentation at last week’s meeting.”

“I loved reading your book.”

Everyone loves compliments—another great way to go is compliment a recent accomplishment that’s outside of work. Suppose you’re meeting with someone who gave you a copy of their book. They’ll love hearing that you enjoyed the book. In the same way, say “I loved seeing your latest article in Fast Company.”

“Thank you for sending me those beautiful flowers.

Showing gratitude for someone’s act of kindness is always a good idea and it provides an excellent opening to any conversation. Other such openings include (to a boss) “thank you for joining our team at our recent retreat” and (to a colleague) “I appreciate the support you’ve given me in my new role.” 

This list of greetings should alert you to the need for sensitivity in even the most casual comments. Think ahead and be kind. Everyone will cherish your sensitivity.