Asking Eric: We think the grandparents should know about their son’s secret child

Dear Eric: My estranged niece has a 9-year-old daughter whom we love very much.

The father was married to someone else when the girl was born and died a few days afterward.

We strongly feel his parents have a right to know of this fantastic child. Grandniece will eventually seek them out. By letting them know now it should ease the shock of learning later.

I should add that grandniece constantly asks who her father is and if we know him. Value your advice.

– Loving Uncle

Dear Uncle: Your first priority should be navigating what your grandniece knows about her parentage, especially since she’s asking. This is important information for her to receive at the appropriate time and in an appropriate manner.

Her mother, your niece, is a key part of this. It’s not appropriate to overstep by having a conversation with your grandniece that her mother doesn’t know about.

This is complicated by the estrangement. Not knowing the nature of the arrangement (how you’re able to see the grandniece while being estranged from her mom, for instance), my hands are a bit tied. But the first step is talking with your niece about what you’re hearing from her daughter.

Dear Eric: Although I’m six years older than my brother, I had always considered us close. After our parents passed many years ago, that seemed to change.

I’m thankful for holidays and our birthdays as they are now the only time I get a phone call. On every anniversary of our mom and dad’s birth or death day, I have texted a “thinking of” message to my brother. He has always responded.

This year, on our father’s birthday, I didn’t text him as I was sick with COVID and pneumonia. I did receive a quick text of acknowledgment late that night. Within my response, I let him know of my illness. He replied with “Get well soon.”

At 72, this recent illness had me down for more than a month. I expected that he’d phone to check on me but I’ve yet to receive one.

Consequently, I’m re-evaluating my relationship with my brother.

Although he’s an intelligent man, a good father and husband, he’s married to a demanding wife who hasn’t encouraged me and my husband to be close with them nor my nieces and nephews. When my husband and I visit once or twice a year, we feel it’s more of an obligation on their part than a warm connection. I’m tired of it.

From past experience, I know if I address it, regardless of my approach, he’ll become defensive and argumentative.

My only alternative is to continue bumbling along accepting that my life may not be as important to him as I want to believe.

– Lost Relationship

Dear Relationship: One of the benefits of having a sibling is that we get to know them anew at multiple times throughout life. This can also be a challenge.

You and your brother have different communication styles. While his lack of communication doesn’t feel good to you, it may not be an indication that you’re not important to him.

You have expectations and hopes for what the relationship should be, which is fine. For instance, you value calls, especially on significant days or when you’re sick. These aren’t ridiculous asks. But they may not be in your brother’s wheelhouse.

I know this is disappointing and can be hurtful.

It may be helpful to think back on the time when you felt closer to him and try to identify where those feelings were coming from. What were you both doing and saying that signified that closeness to you? Are there ways of adapting some of those things to your lives now?

It won’t be what it was – you write that many years have passed since that time and your family structure is different – but by being proactive about recognizing who your brother is now and managing your expectations of that person, you’ll feel less like you’re bumbling along.

Dear Eric: Regarding “Perplexed Not Pissed,” whose yard had become a toilet for the neighbors’ leashed dogs: Lots of dogs won’t go on their own property and decide on their own how far to travel on a leash before they do their business.

The letter writer can at least know it’s very unlikely the neighbors are doing this on purpose.

If the neighbors knew it was upsetting to a particular homeowner, they could probably train their dogs to move along a little further.

– Dog Accidents

Dear Dog Accidents: This is helpful context. Hopefully, when informed of the issue, the neighbors will help their dogs make different choices.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.