I walked in on my wife cheating on me again in our own bed – I feel completely broken

DEAR DEIDRE: I’M struggling to hold my family together after discovering my wife cheated on me again – this time in our bed, while I was asleep downstairs.

I’m 52, she’s 48, and we’ve been together for more than 22 years.

In the early years of our relationship, I caught her cheating several times — once with a guy she had met in a bar, another time at a friend’s party, then again in her friend’s flat and I even once walked in on her having phone sex in the next room.

Each time, I forgave her and believed her when she said she wanted to change.

We eventually got married and had three beautiful kids, and I truly thought we’d put the past behind us.

But on New Year’s Eve we were having a party and I got very drunk, which is not something I usually do, and fell asleep early on the settee.

When I woke up, she was nowhere to be found.

I thought nothing of it until I walked in on my wife and a mutual friend of ours together in our bed.

I was gutted.

Our sex life had already fizzled out, and I’d been feeling disconnected from her for a while but I never imagined she’d go that far again, especially not in our own home.

She apologised profusely and promised me it was the last time and while I didn’t believe her, I chose to stay for the sake of the kids. But I feel completely broken.

The trust in our relationship is shattered and now I’m questioning everything about our life together.

How can I ever believe a word she says again?

DEIDRE SAYS: It’s totally understandable that you’re feeling torn up over this.

Your wife has repeatedly betrayed you, which is incredibly difficult to move on from.

While it’s normal to want to keep your family together, staying in a relationship built on deception will only cause you all more issues in the long run.

Children often pick up on emotional strain, so it’s likely they will feel the tension between you.

Trust, once shattered so many times, is incredibly hard to rebuild.
You’ve already forgiven more than most people would and still your wife has continued to break that trust.

You need to decide if things can be mended in your relationship.

You should consider having relationship counselling, even if just for yourself, to help you process the pain and decide your next steps. Arrange it via tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1960).

My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will help you think things over too.

Whether you stay or go, you deserve to feel secure, respected and valued.

Ultimately, prioritising your wellbeing and happiness will benefit your children in the long run too.

SHE’S SO LOW OVER ABORTION

DEAR DEIDRE: MY girlfriend has become very distant since she had a termination.

She is 19 and I am 21. We have been together for almost a year.

We jointly made the decision to have an abortion after she accidentally got pregnant, even though we were taking precautions.

It was our only choice as neither of us were in a position to have a family. We were upset but supported each other.

She said she wasn’t ready to be a mum either but since it’s happened, she has put a wall up and doesn’t open up to me either. She says she finds it too hard.

I think she might be having regrets because she keeps saying that she hates herself and can’t believe this happened to her.

I am so worried. I keep thinking she will harm herself.

DEIDRE SAYS: It is never an easy decision to have a termination even when it is the best course.

It can feel heartbreaking, so it is normal to have mixed feelings afterwards.

You and your girlfriend made the right decision for you both so try not to agonise over it. Let her talk when she wants to, rather than force her.

Sharing how difficult this was for you both can help your relationship survive.

My support pack Termination You Regret? explains more.

I WILL SEE HATED MUM ON SISTER’S WEDDING DAY

DEAR DEIDRE: FOLLOWING my big sister as she walks down the aisle will be such a joy, but at the same time, I’m not looking forward to being in the same place as my mum – a woman I detest.

My sister has asked me to be her chief bridesmaid. She is so excited and I couldn’t refuse, but I am secretly dreading it.

I am 24 and my sister is 28. My mum had an affair with our next-door neighbour and left my dad for him. I was 17 at the time.

My dad was heartbroken and I chose to stay with him. My sister had just moved out, so it didn’t affect her in the same way.

My sister got back in touch with Mum a few months ago and has invited her and her current partner to her wedding. I am genuinely thrilled for my sister to be getting married but I don’t want to see my mum or speak to her.

I don’t want her going anywhere near my partner and our daughter who is two.

My partner says it is my sister’s day and I can avoid talking to my mum but I have not been sleeping or eating.

As the big day approaches, I am becoming more and more stressed. I am fantasising about running away to avoid the wedding.

DEIDRE SAYS: Weddings often bring family tensions to the fore but it is important not to make this about you, it is your sister’s day and she must have the day she wants.

She will be deeply upset if you don’t go as she has given you the honour of being her chief bridesmaid.

Talk to your partner and plan out how you can avoid your mum. Having a toddler will give you plenty of other reasons to focus elsewhere.

Knowing your mum is attending has brought up bitter memories but you can get help with this.

Supportline offers emotional assistance (supportline.org.uk, 01708 765 200). My Wedding Worries support pack will help you too.