Asking Eric: Years later, there’s fallout from the drama of my missionary days

Dear Eric: Thirty years ago, at the age of 29, I was sent by my missionary organization to South America. There, I met three middle-aged lady volunteers, Mary, Jane and Beth.

Since I didn’t speak Spanish and Mary and Jane knew English, I became close to them. However, jealousy soon flared up between them. Jane started telling me to be careful of Mary because she believed Mary was infatuated with me.

I was clear about my own feelings and intentions, so I conveyed them to Jane. Despite this, Jane kept insisting, to the point where I had to ask her to stop coming to our center.

I stayed there for five years. Mary came to our center every day, and when I left, we kept in touch.

Ten years ago, Beth finally confirmed to me that Jane was right – that Mary had feelings for me and had even told her that she didn’t care that she was married and I was a celibate missionary.

Since then, I’ve been very upset. I’ve been ghosting Mary and feeling guilty toward Jane.

Recently, I found Jane on social media, but I didn’t contact her. Is it my responsibility to make amends? Should I confront Mary about the injustice toward Jane without involving Beth?

– Confused Missionary

Dear Missionary: Your personal standard may be different from mine – in which case, follow your own, of course – but I don’t think you’re obligated to make amends to Jane nor confront Mary.

What Mary said to Jane indicated a flaw in character and created a problem in Mary’s relationship with Jane for which she should make amends. But from your letter, it doesn’t appear that you did anything inappropriate. Indeed, it sounds like you had clear, healthy, well-communicated boundaries with Jane and Mary.

Of the two, Jane is the one who crossed them by continuing to pester you about Mary. Her intentions were noble, sure, but when you asked her to stop, she should have stopped.

Meanwhile, Mary came to the center regularly but, by your account, didn’t cross a boundary with you – even though she may have wanted to.

This reads to me like an issue that was about you but didn’t involve you. After all this time, you might do well to let it stay in the past.

Dear Eric: I recently left a members-only business network group to which I belonged for half of my professional life.

I was always a very active member of the group. Every year, I consistently gave many more client referrals than I received.

I was happy overall with the business sent my way, so I kept renewing my membership and didn’t complain about the unbalanced ledger. Plus, I believe that it is better to err on the side of generosity.

I had good long-term relationships with everyone, whether we did business together or not; we knew each other’s spouses and sometimes entertained the group in our homes.

In the last couple of years, I started experiencing rude and obnoxious behavior toward me, outright lying, power plays and subpar service levels provided by some of the members. Also, the inbound referrals to me almost stopped. I asked a few members for advice, and they could not think of anything I should do differently to be more referable.

I am puzzled why I would get this treatment after bringing all this business to the group members, again some reciprocal and some not, doing many things for the group, helping it grow, etc. Should I have been less generous?

During my last few weeks there, I cringed on the day of our meetings — that’s how toxic and unpleasant the energy felt there.

I belong to other professional groups, some also for years, and it is like night and day.

Is karma still a thing? And if so, why did I get so much bad in return for so much good? I don’t want to make the same mistakes again. I just wish I knew what the mistakes were!

– No Longer in Network

Dear Network: I don’t see mistakes here. You put a good-faith effort into improving this group and providing referrals for the benefit of the networks and the network did not rise to meet you. It sounds like there were perhaps some members who were out for themselves and that might have skewed your experience as well. But I believe you’re correct that generosity is often the best tactic.

In the future, however, if you feel you’re not being treated fairly, or that you’re not getting enough value from something for which you’re paying – with time or energy – I hope you’ll feel empowered to speak up and ask for what’s rightfully yours. This will help prevent the feeling of being taken advantage of. You can still be generous while being assertive.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.