Harriette Cole: I crossed a line with my girlfriend. How do I get her back?
DEAR HARRIETTE: I just got a reality check from my girlfriend. She left me.
In our last argument, she told me that I don’t know how to love and that I push away everyone who tries to do right by me. I think I might’ve crossed a line this time.
We’ve had fights before, but they usually end in us taking space or agreeing to disagree. This time I called her dumb. I was angry and the words just came out, but I think that was the last straw.
She’s told me I was stubborn before, but I didn’t realize how mean I’ve been in arguments until she decided to leave me.
I do love her, and I don’t think she’s dumb; I just thought something she did was dumb. I didn’t mean to be so offensive.
How do I get her back?
— Reality Check
DEAR REALITY CHECK: You need to deal with your anger and communications skills. Before trying to convince your ex to come back to you, turn inside to work on yourself.
Find a therapist who can help you dive deeply into your own behavior so that you can understand your motivations and come to terms with how you communicate with others.
Apologize to your ex. Let her know that you are sorry for the way you spoke to her and that you are seeing a therapist to help sort things out. Do not pressure her. You have to work on yourself now.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I broke up with my boyfriend recently. Even though I know it was the right decision, I’m still sorting through a lot of feelings.
The relationship wasn’t terrible, but it had run its course; deep down I knew we weren’t really happy together anymore.
Now, just a few weeks later, one of my close friends is encouraging me to go out on a date with one of her boyfriend’s friends. She swears he’s a great guy and says he’s asked about me before. I’ve seen pictures, and I’ll admit he’s cute and seems like he has a good vibe.
Part of me is flattered and curious, but I’m also hesitant. I’m not sure whether I’m ready to jump into anything new yet, even if it’s just a casual date.
I keep wondering whether I should take this as a chance to move forward, meet someone new and have some fun. Another part of me is still processing my breakup and kind of craving space to be by myself for a while. I don’t want to lead anyone on, but I also don’t want to miss out on something potentially great just because I’m afraid or unsure.
Is it OK to say no to something that seems good on paper if I’m not feeling fully ready?
— Alone Time
DEAR ALONE TIME: You don’t have to marry the next guy you meet even if you agree to go on a date with him — or maybe just have your friend arrange for the two of you to run into each other at a casual gathering.
Of course you should take time to evaluate your life and decide what you want next, but putting yourself in a position to have a nice time in someone else’s company could be refreshing. It doesn’t mean that you have to do anything more than going out that one time. I say go for it.
To answer your question, there is nothing wrong with saying no if you aren’t ready.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.