Asking Eric: Why did nobody stop the high-strung sister from stealing the valuables?

Dear Eric: Over the years I noticed one of my spouse’s sisters seemed generally overly sensitive, with sudden emotional outbursts and a tendency to play the victim.

My spouse’s surviving parent died, and the estate was to be divided equally among all of the siblings.

Sister loaded up her car with many valuable items after the funeral. That annoyed the other siblings, as these items should have been part of the estate accounting to be divided, but they didn’t confront her.

Spouse and the other siblings decided to let her get her way, resulting in her inheriting a very, very sizable inheritance, much more than any of the siblings.

It became clear that spouse and siblings are afraid of her, and I told spouse this.

What’s done is done, but how am I supposed to act around the sister in the future?

Spouse does not want me to discuss this with her. I’m not a good actor. I don’t want her to stay at my home if she visits, but spouse does.

I’m disappointed in spouse’s and siblings’ timid behavior, and I’m angry at her selfishness and total disregard for fairness. I don’t know how to move forward.

– Inappropriate Inheritance

Dear Inheritance: Sometimes we just have to let other people’s toxic families be toxic.

There is an unhealthy dynamic between your spouse, your spouse’s siblings and their sister. This has probably been the case all of their lives. Attempting to rearrange these relationships is just going to cause marital strife for you.

The relationship you can and should focus on is the one between you and your spouse.

You’ve said what you needed to say about what happened with the inheritance. Your spouse has also expressed an opinion about how to move forward. I would encourage you to follow your spouse’s lead.

You don’t have to acquiesce to the sister’s future demands or even be friendly. You might choose to be out of town when the sister visits. But I implore you to make peace with your disappointment in your spouse. The sister has already poisoned so many wells with her own behavior; don’t let her poison your marriage also.

Here’s an internal script: I wish my spouse had been treated fairly. I can’t control the various life factors that caused my spouse and the siblings to act the way that they did. There is so much else that I value about my spouse, and I will choose to focus on that, because by doing so I am also providing support for my spouse during a difficult and draining time.

Dear Eric: I am the oldest of five siblings, all now in our 70s and all professionals. We grew up blue-collar and “genteel poor.”

The problem arises with the jealousy and hatred the others harbor toward me. They spent their lives acquiring pricey trinkets and foreign cars and generally living well beyond their means, while I planned, saved and invested well.

I retired comfortably eight years ago and now, with my wife, travel extensively and enjoy life.

My siblings bitterly resent this and the painful reality that they can never afford to retire. For some reason they blame me, as if life is a zero-sum game, when all I have ever done is put money in their pockets and never asked for anything in return.

It’s late in the day, and I’d like to set matters straight. We stopped speaking 10 years ago. What do you suggest?

– Frustrated Eldest Son

Dear Son: I’m curious what you mean by “set matters straight.” If what you want is for your siblings to realize the error of their thinking and stop resenting you, you’re likely to remain frustrated.

It sounds like you resent them for their resentment, which is totally understandable. But do you also judge them for the way they chose to live? Is this animus a two-way street?

You haven’t spoken in a decade, but you write that they resent your happy retired life of the last eight years. How is this information getting to you and what are you doing with it when it does?

A way to move forward is to wipe the slate clean (or as clean as one can with siblings; that slate is always going to be fingerprint-smudged).

Reach out to them and acknowledge that you’ve had your differences in the past, you wish them well, and you don’t want to spend the rest of your days estranged. Ask them if they’re willing to try again. This means accepting that sometimes you just don’t see eye-to-eye, but no one needs to convince anyone else of anything.

If they can listen to you without judgment, and you can do the same, you have something to build on.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.