I didn’t dump husband for sexting our neighbour – but I’ve caught him messaging another woman again and feel like a fool
DEAR DEIDRE: BREAKING my golden rule – to kick out any man who cheated – felt the right move when I discovered my husband had been meeting our neighbour in secret.
Five years ago he admitted he had met this woman, but insisted nothing physical had happened between them.
Initially I doubted him, having read their seriously suggestive messages, but he worked hard to convince me that when push came to shove he couldn’t go through with the physical deed.
We have been together for 25 years, 15 of them married. We met in our early 20s and now have two boys together aged 14 and 12.
I gave him the benefit of the doubt and somehow we managed to put it behind us.
He was suffering from depression at the time due to job insecurity.
We talked at length about how we were going to improve our relationship and decided we’d have regular date nights and set aside regular time for sex.
We even managed a few weekends away with our parents stepping in to look after the children.
Our relationship became stronger, and we were happy. The trust came back, and things were good.
That is until I recently caught him texting someone again. He said it was a woman at the gym. He told me she’d asked him to help with some weights and then she started flirting with him.
Again, he denied there was anything to it, just some silly messages.
We were getting on well, so I’m devastated. I feel such a fool for forgiving him in the first place and should have stuck to my rule.
READ MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Unless he understands his behaviour is wrong, the possibility will remain that he could cheat again.
At the very least this is micro-cheating, when a partner’s actions makes the other person question their commitment, damaging trust.
He may not have touched these other women, but his attention is not on you.
Don’t let him dismiss his behaviour by saying nothing happened, as that won’t address the issue.
You enjoy a nice life together and a good sex life so what has gone wrong for him? My support pack Can’t Be Faithful? may help even if he hasn’t physically been unfaithful.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
I’M SO SICK OF HURTFUL COMMENTS
DEAR DEIDRE: I KNOW my husband’s behaviour towards me is wrong, but I love him.
He doesn’t go anywhere with me, isn’t bothered if I am around and we only have sex when he wants it.
I am 49 and he is 51. We’ve been married for 24 years. His family hate me and are turning our eldest two children against me. They see their grandparents every week and are influenced by them. When they return home, they are rude to me.
My husband doesn’t include me in family events. His rude and hurtful comments are soul-destroying.
Splitting up will rip me apart as I thought we were for life. I am lost, and while I know it sounds pathetic, I don’t know who I am any more.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your husband is emotionally and mentally abusive. He’s making you miserable and destroying your self-esteem.
It’s damaging for your children to hear their dad and other family members badmouth you too.
My support pack, Abusive Partner, explains more and contains details of organisations that can help you leave, if that’s what you decide to do.
Ask friends or family for support too, so that they know what’s going on and can be there for you.
SHOULD I STOP CONTACT WITH DAUGHTERS?
DEAR DEIDRE: NOW that my ex has found a new partner I am tempted to stop seeing our daughters.
I met my partner 20 years ago at a holiday park where we both still work today.
We have two daughters, aged 13 and ten.
I am 43 and my partner is 40. A couple of years ago and with no warning my partner decided to break up with me.
I moved back home to be with my elderly mum who was very ill. She has sadly since died.
I have a routine with my daughters which means I go round to my ex’s first thing every morning.
First, I see our eldest daughter safely onto the school bus, then take my youngest daughter to school so that my ex can get herself into work early.
I would like to start a friendship with her again and see where things go, but I can see on social media that she has got a new friend who may be her partner.
I am devastated and close to leaving work because I cannot bear to see her every day.
I am also thinking of stopping contact with our daughters permanently too. The only time I see them is first thing in the mornings, but I am finding it very hard to make the decision.
DEIDRE SAYS: Tell your ex you are still in love with her, and it would help to know whether she thinks you can ever have a future together.
If not, you must move on but please don’t give up on your daughters.
Involved and loving dads play a crucial role when it comes to the positive development of children.
If your ex is preventing you from seeing them at alternative times other than during the school run, talk to her about future contact.
For more specialist advice, contact bothparentsmatter.org.uk (0300 0300 363).
My support pack Moving On will help you too.
BISEXUAL FEELINGS OVER GUY
DEAR DEIDRE: IN the past, my ex-wife and work colleagues often questioned if I was gay, but I always said no.
I am a 55-year-old man and I accept I am a little camp, but I’ve only ever been attracted to women.
Then the other night I was picking up a takeaway order and another guy was doing the same.
We began talking. He flirted with me and asked if I was gay.
Again, I denied it.
He told me he worked at a local hotel and to call in for a drink some time.
I haven’t yet but I can’t get him out of my head.
I am so confused and now think I must be bisexual but never admitted it before.
I want to be myself, but I worry about what others will say. My head is totally fried.
DEIDRE SAYS: It can feel very lonely and isolating if you don’t feel able to be yourself openly.
We can’t choose our sexuality, and you need to work out the right path before you implode.
You don’t need to make any big announcements until you feel ready.
Coming out doesn’t always go smoothly, so talk it over first with people who will understand at switchboard.lgbt (0300 330 0630).