My possessive boyfriend accused me of cheating while he was secretly married with two children
DEAR DEIDRE: I WAS constantly accused of cheating by my possessive boyfriend – while he had a secret wife and two children at home.
After divorcing a few years ago, I was keen to get myself a loving new man, so I downloaded a dating app and eventually met Simon.
He was 58, handsome, funny and sexy and we hit it off immediately.
I’m 47 and don’t normally rush into sex but we couldn’t keep our hands off each other.
Soon he was staying over at my house two or three times a week and we wouldn’t get any sleep.
The only snag was his jealousy.
On one of our early dates we bumped into an ex of mine and I introduced them as a friend.
When the truth came out that I had dated him, Simon was furious.
He started questioning which of my other “friends” I’d slept with, and was I to be trusted at all?
Then he became obsessed with my social media — telling me to delete or block men on my friends list.
He even ordered me to get rid of my Instagram account. I agreed, but I couldn’t work out how to do it, so it was still active when he checked.
He hit the roof. He told me he obviously couldn’t believe a single word I said — then dumped me.
Our attraction was unshakeable, though, so we soon got back together. We began counselling to help Simon through his jealousy.
One night I received a Facebook message.
A young man introduced himself as Simon’s son, and said that Simon had been married to his mother for 15 years, still lived at home, and had two kids.
Worse, he said I wasn’t the first woman Simon had cheated with.
I confronted Simon and he admitted he was technically married, but they hadn’t shared a bed for ten years.
I’m reeling. He was accusing me of infidelity while living his own entire double life.
Can couples recover from this?
READ MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: You must feel extremely shocked and hurt.
After he constantly doubted you, his behaviour is hypocritical.
Not only has he deceived you and his wife, but he has also lied to his own children.
My support pack Your Lover Not Free explains more about these types of relationships.
I hope that reading it will help you to see things more clearly.
I would urge you to be careful and start putting yourself first.
Right now, you can’t believe anything he tells you.
Perhaps you never will.
It would be beneficial if you continued with the counselling, but alone, to help you process this bombshell and work out a way forward, whether with this man or not.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
DUMPED OVER ‘HONEY TRAP’
DEAR DEIDRE: I TESTED my boyfriend with a “honey trap”. He passed the test but then dumped me.
We’re both in our 30s. I met him in my local pub and couldn’t believe my luck.
After three months we still hadn’t discussed exclusivity, so I worried he might be dating other women.
I created a fake social-media profile of a stunning woman and sent him flirty messages.
He replied, to say he was happily in a relationship.
I was so relieved that I brought up exclusivity on our next date and he agreed.
But then I confessed what I’d done, hoping he’d understand. He ended the relationship, calling me insecure.
DEIDRE SAYS: It seems understandable that you were tempted to test him, but you would have been far better off having an honest conversation about your future than setting him up.
My How To Date Successfully support pack will help you to navigate future dates confidently, and another, Raising Low Self-esteem, will provide you more insight.
SICK OF LIVING A LIE
DEAR DEIDRE: WAS I hasty, blocking a date who lived 4,000 miles away?
I’m a 60-year-old man. I’ve been using dating sites since my husband passed away, but there were never any matches near me.
Finally, I found my perfect man – in America.
We started messaging every day. I was falling for him, until he said the distance would make a relationship “impossible”.
Feeling rejected, I blocked him. But I can’t shake that he might have been The One.
DEIDRE SAYS: Long-distance relationships aren’t impossible, but they can be difficult.
You can’t make this man want the same things as you. It may be best to accept this and move on.
If you find yourself in this position again, communication is key. Keep in regular contact and be open and honest.
Share feelings about the separation – positives and the negatives. You also need a goal, a time when you can be together. Without this, long-distance relationships fizzle out.
FEELING SO ASHAMED
DEAR DEIDRE: MY girlfriend refuses to have sex unless I wear a penis sleeve to increase my size. It’s destroying my sex drive and my confidence.
I’m 45, she’s 47.
I’ve always known I’m not the most well-endowed chap. My penis is just over five inches long when erect.
But I’ve always used my hands, mouth and toys to ensure partners orgasm at least once before I do. My previous partners have never complained.
When my girlfriend and I started having sex, I regularly gave her multiple orgasms by stimulating her clitoris and G-spot simultaneously.
However, she never climaxed during sex, only foreplay.
One night, she said I was the only man who’d never made her orgasm through penetration, and maybe it was because my equipment was on the smaller side.
She suggested a sleeve that fitted over my penis to increase its size might improve things.
I bought one and it turned my five-inch slim penis into a very thick eight inches.
The first time I wore it during sex, my girlfriend climaxed almost immediately. Unfortunately, however, I couldn’t feel anything.
I assumed the sleeve would be something we used occasionally, but now she wants me to wear it every time. It’s got to the point where, if I don’t put it on, she refuses to come near me.
She’s even said the sight of my “naked” penis turns her off.
This has all really upset me. I’ve tried to speak to her about it, but she says it’s non-negotiable. That’s out of character for her; she’s usually very sweet, kind and accommodating.
Other than this our relationship is perfect. But this issue has left me feeling ashamed of myself.
DEIDRE SAYS: You have no need to feel ashamed. You’re doing everything you can to please your girlfriend so you can enjoy sex with her too.
Read my support pack on Penis Size. You’ll see your penis is average size, and – as you know – women can orgasm through other forms of stimulation.
Your partner might not feel you inside her because of changes in her own body. Perimenopause can make the vagina less sensitive.
If you can’t feel anything when you wear the sleeve, it’s unfair of her to demand that you wear it every time.
Sex therapy might be useful to you both.
Contact the College of Relationship and Sex Therapists, COSRT.org. They will be able to direct you to a reputable counsellor.
FAMILY FORUM
DEAR DEIDRE: I FEAR my granddaughter isn’t developing at a normal rate as she seems to be years behind other children her age.
She is 11 and lives with my daughter, a single mum. They visit me every few weeks.
After lockdown, my daughter decided to take my granddaughter out of education and home-school her.
But I don’t know if they do any schoolwork at all.
I suspect my grand-daughter spends most days alone in her room, playing computer games or scrolling through her phone.
When children are home-schooled, does anyone check their progress?
Surely it should be monitored.
Also, in terms of personal care, my granddaughter seems younger than her years.
My daughter still takes her to the toilet and puts her shoes on for her.
Whenever they visit, my granddaughter is silent and avoids eye contact.
She’s glued to her iPad all day.
They rarely see other members of the family, and my daughter doesn’t want any more kids.
I don’t know what will happen to my granddaughter when her mum is no longer around.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your concerns seem justified.
But your daughter will probably take anything you say as criticism of her parenting skills.
If you fall out over this, your granddaughter will be even more isolated.
So be careful to raise any worries in a calm, reasoned manner.
Home-schooling parents are usually contacted by the local authority once a year to check how things are going.
But parents are not obliged to agree to an inspection unless the child’s welfare is at risk.
For information on the legal side of things, see childlawadvice.org.uk.
Try asking your daughter how home-schooling is going, whether she finds it manageable and what they’re currently studying.
Open up conversations with your granddaughter, too, about her favourite games or programmes.
If, after talking to them both, you’re still concerned, contact the NSPCC in confidence on 0808 800 5000 or through nspcc.org.uk.
And read my support pack, Worried A Child’s At Risk?.