Boring sex turned me into a walking migraine – my hubby lets me sleep with other men but there’s a rule I can’t break
AFTER another day of chasing her sons around, Molly Roden Winter knew her husband would inevitably get stuck at work and miss bath and bedtime.
When Stewart, now 57, eventually arrived home, the couple would have dinner, and if they had time they might watch some TV.
It was 2008 and Stewart and Molly, who live in Brooklyn, New York, had been married for almost a decade.
Molly was taking a break from her teaching career to raise their sons, Daniel and Nate, then six and three, while Stewart was a composer who often worked late.
While the couple were happily married, Molly admits they had fallen into a monotonous routine.
“Our marriage was like any other,” she says. “We were tired and we were used to each other.
“We’d gone from having sex several times a day in the early throes of passion, to twice a month.”
The mum says a combination of sleep deprivation and feeling disconnected from one another had made sex feel more like a chore.
“I was resentful towards Stew for the fact his life seemingly continued relatively unchanged by parenthood,” Molly admits.
“Meanwhile my life now revolved around the magical mayhem of motherhood. I loved being a mum, but I often felt like I’d disappeared.”
When Stewart arrived home late again one night, Molly felt her body tense.
“I needed something different, so I went out for a walk and bumped into an old acquaintance who was on her way to a bar,” she says. “She insisted I come along.”
‘MORE THAN A MUM’
It was there that Molly met Matt.
“I’d come out without my wallet, so Matt bought me a drink,” she says.
“He was tall, with dark hair and a few years younger than myself.
“We chatted so effortlessly, making each other laugh. He flirted and I flirted back and it felt good. Matt reminded me I was more than ‘Mum’.
“I told him I owed him a drink and suggested we exchange numbers.
“He knew all about my marriage and my kids.”
By the time Molly arrived home she had already received a text from Matt.
But surprisingly, Stewart encouraged his wife to see Matt again.
“Although I had my husband’s blessing and encouragement, I was not considering sleeping with Matt to turn Stew on,” Molly says.
“I was considering sleeping with Matt because I wanted to.”
How to make a throuple work for you
By Sally Land, Sun Agony Aunt
THEY say two’s company and three’s a crowd – and judging from the contents of my mailbox, a lot of people struggle to make relationships involving three people work.
To be clear, a throuple describes a committed and romantic relationship between three people.
This is not to be mistaken for a threesome, which involves sex between three people, or an open relationship, where people have sex with people other than their partner.
I receive plenty of emails from readers who have tried threesomes, throuples and open relationships and ended up more miserable than ever.
My advice would be to only begin considering non-monogamy if you are secure in yourself and your relationship.
If you struggle with jealousy, this is not the set-up for you.
Those who say they have made non-monogamy work invariably operate with basic rules.
Firstly, they are good communicators, ensuring they are open and honest with each other.
Secondly, they make absolutely sure all partners agree.
Thirdly, they consider and discuss their long-term relationship goals.
They check in with each other regularly, ensuring everyone is still comfortable with the set-up.
And finally, they establish clear boundaries and expectations – and, crucially, they respect them.
It’s interesting that the throuple in this feature do not want children, which is exactly the sort of long-term life goal that is so important to discuss.
Not only would it cause problems if one partner desperately wanted a child while the other two did not, it’s also crucial to ensure any children are brought into a loving and stable environment.
If you would like support from my team of trained counsellors, please email deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk.
A few weeks later, Molly met up with Matt, and didn’t leave his flat until 3am.
“It was exhilarating and I felt a dormant side of myself come alive,” she says.
“Stew was all for it, but then he told me he was going to see his ex and the thought of them having sex made me feel sick.
“I wanted to be open to the idea of opening our marriage up, but the range of emotions I had as we learned to navigate our desire to sleep with other people was intense and chaotic.
“I needed ground rules. I didn’t find it tantalising to hear about Stew’s encounters so we agreed not to talk about those.”
BREAKING RULES
Stewart’s relationship with his ex ran its course and the couple made a rule not to date their exes, neighbours or colleagues.
Molly adds: “No-one was allowed to sleep in the family home and we agreed never to play chess or watch films with anyone else, because those were our things.
“These might seem like little details, but they were important to me.
“Above all, we agreed never to fall in love.
I had great sex and terrible sex and learned that I don’t enjoy sex without love
Molly Roden Winter
“I needed to prevent the emotional intimacy which can lead to love because I thought it would be dangerous to love someone outside my marriage.”
Molly continued to see Matt for four years before signing up for a dating site specifically for couples looking for extramarital encounters.
The mum admits that gradually, they began to break their own rules.
“I had great sex and terrible sex and learned that I don’t enjoy sex without love,” she says.
“In time, Stew and I both broke our founding rule: we fell in love with other people.
“But the wonderful discovery we made along the way is that love is not a finite resource.
“We both have two other long term relationships and now, at 52, I’ve been with my partners, Jason and Paul, for a long time and love them dearly.
“I still have love for some of my exes too.
“By loving other people, we learned to love each other all the more and our marriage became stronger and more communicative and affectionate.
“My sex life with Stewart has been so positively impacted by our opening up.
“After 25 years of marriage, we are having the best sex of our lives with each other.”
‘COMPLETE FREEDOM’
Molly says she is finally comfortable with her own sexuality.
“It took me ten years to call myself polyamorous – which literally means many loves,” she says.
“It is not more emotionally or sexually exhausting but has instead invigorated our marriage because it has invigorated us as individuals.
“We’ve long since abandoned our founding rules in favour of addressing the insecurities that inevitably arose as we found our way.
“We give each other complete freedom because we are autonomous people who love, trust and respect each other. We never dismiss each other’s emotions as irrational or ‘wrong’, we work through them together.
“So if I get jealous or Stew gets defensive, we don’t shut that down, we talk about it. We are living our lives in a way that is going to elicit difficult feelings so we need to feel safe, confident and taken care of in our marriage.”
What is polyamory?
Polyamory is the practice of having romantic relationships with more than one person at the same time, with the knowledge and consent of all parties.
It can refer to relationships where one person has multiple partners or spouses, or where all parties are in a relationship with each other, for example in a throuple.
According to You Gov, 6.8% of people in the UK have been in a polyamorous relationship.
SLAMMED BY TROLLS
Molly admits they have experienced a few raised eyebrows when it comes to their arrangement.
“A friend warned I was entering dangerous territory by even contemplating sleeping with another man,” she says.
“Marriage doesn’t have to adhere to a default setting, especially if that setting doesn’t work for all involved.
“Before I opened my marriage, I was a walking migraine.
“When I started to live a little larger, the headaches ceased and I had more patience, energy and joy with my children.”
While Molly believes her arrangement has made her a better mum, trolls have been quick to criticise her.
“I’ve received criticism specifically because I’m a mother, as if it’s somehow going to damage my children to live outside the normal way of conducting a marriage,” she explains.
I’m not suggesting everyone lives how we do but it’s good to try something different
Molly Roden Winter
“I model for my children that there is no one right way to live and to never be ashamed of who you are.
“I think it’s important to show our children that there is no one right way to be, so that they know that whoever they are is never wrong.
“It can only be a good thing for children if their mothers are happy. In many ways, I feel that our boys, now 22 and 19, taught me to be myself.
“They are both so good at it. They are so authentically themselves and far from thinking I’ve inspired them, I honestly take inspiration from them.”
‘TAKE IT SLOWLY’
To those who are curious about opening their own relationships, Molly has some sage advice.
“If you’re curious, my advice is to take things as slowly as the least enthusiastic partner needs it to be,” she says.
“If one of you has more trepidation and anxiety around polyamory, they set the pace.
“I’m not suggesting everyone lives how we do but it’s good to try something different, if different is what you are craving.
“You don’t have to open your marriage, but give yourself the freedom to open your mind and heart, to learn about yourself and embrace what comes up.
“Life has a way of accommodating as much joy as you make room for.”
More: A Memoir of Open Marriage, by Molly Roden Winter (Ebury £10.99), is out now in paperback in bookshops and online. Follow Molly on socials @mollyrwinter