Asking Eric: Does this woman’s behavior qualify as emotional hostage-taking?

Dear Eric: I would like to get along better with my niece’s wife, and I’m hoping you might offer some strategies.

The wife’s a nice person, but she’s high maintenance in ways that make whatever group she’s in bend to keep her comfortable. The boat tour has to go a certain speed, so she doesn’t get queasy. She has to drive whatever car she’s in, even if she doesn’t know the roads and isn’t a good driver.

I don’t have an issue with her doing what she needs to take care of herself, but whatever it is often impacts the entire group and leaves us all flailing around to meet her requests.

I recently read about emotional hostage-taking, and I wondered if that might be at play. My once-adventurous niece no longer takes adventures because of her wife. During rare family reunions that my niece is enjoying, her wife will get a sudden stomachache, and there goes my niece, to lay down with her in a quiet room.

I’m not asking for advice about their relationship, but for mine with the wife. Any time we’re together, I have less patience.

I don’t want to be a person who has little tolerance for “kids these days” and their many special requests. I’m just not sure how not to be annoyed by them.

– Wanna Do Better

Dear Better: There may be more to it, but it sounds like many of the events when your patience is tested are family social outings. So, you might take a book from your niece’s wife and start to think in advance about what you’ll need to enjoy yourself most the next time you’re all together.

This isn’t an attempt to put this all on you. And I’m sure there’s some things you can’t avoid. It’s impractical to, say, charter another boat. But perhaps you can ride in a different car.

Knowing how your niece’s wife might react to certain situations, and how you hope those situations will go, can empower you to speak up for what you need, as well.

Part of this, I’m sure, is rooted in concern for your niece. It’s hard to enjoy ourselves when we see our loved ones suffer. This may be how she feels when she sees her wife ailing, as well. So, without dipping too far into armchair psychology, you can also talk to her about what you’re observing and listen to what she says.

Ask if there are ways that the family can help support her and her wife and see if she’s open to brainstorming ways that everyone can have a good time. A conversation might not solve everything, but it can open the door to creative solutions and help you feel acceptance instead of annoyance.

Dear Eric: My oldest sister passed away recently after a lengthy illness.

My husband’s first cousins have responded with calls, cards and messages, except for one of his cousins.

We attended the funeral of this cousin’s mother last year, in another city, sent flowers and my husband spoke at the service.

I have yet to receive any acknowledgment from this cousin, even though she and her husband are aware of the death.

I am hurt and bewildered since they were at our home only a few months ago and they speak to my husband weekly.

I have not mentioned this to my husband as he and his cousin are close. She and her husband are retired and seem to do a lot of entertaining, so I don’t think they are too busy to call or send a card.

I always believed that as soon as someone heard about a passing, it was appropriate to reach out to the person grieving. It has been about 10 days since my sister’s death.

Am I being unreasonable?

– Unacknowledged

Dear Unacknowledged: Here’s a truth: Grief manifests itself in all kinds of insidious ways. Even though your sister’s illness was lengthy, this part of grief is new, and a lot of hard things are going to come up. I’m not judging you for the way you feel, and I hope you won’t either.

Another truth: When we experience loss, it’s important for those who care about us to reach out. That didn’t happen in the case of your husband’s cousin, and it hurts. I’m sorry for your loss and that you’re experiencing this hurt.

Talk to your husband about how you’re feeling. I hope he’ll listen without judgment, too. He can be an intermediary, nudging his cousin to make sure you know they care.

Sometimes people don’t know what to say. Sometimes they fear they’ve missed the chance. Your husband can remind them of these additional truths: It’s never too late, and sometimes it can be enough to say, “I’m sorry; I’m here; I love you.”

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.