‘H8R’s gonna hate’: Stanford start-up strips internet trolls bare
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
In our latest series “Start Up Watch,” we are featuring one of the hottest yet least known apps in the Valley. But while you haven’t heard it, social media juggernauts like Facebook and Fizz are all incredibly excited about its potential. It’s called “H8R.”
“So I sang this weird little Minecraft parody, inspired by a combination of my love of Creepers and Radiohead, and I called it ‘Creep(er)’ of course. I was so proud,” said Jackson Bennet ’24, founder of H8R. “But then, I posted it, and I was bullied a lot back in school, so my classmates found it and started insulting me about it. They called my musical arrangement uninspired, my vocals conventional, the editing derivative: typical Bay-Area elementary school insults,” said Jackson, waxing despondently. “As I went through Stanford, I was fully prepared to make a program doxxing all those bastards. Then I took this fantastic Trauma and Anger class, and I realized if I really wanted to stop people like those schmucks I needed to remind them of their suffering. I thought to myself: ‘Is it possible to make a tool that reminds bullies of all their trauma and personal suffering that drives them to hurt others?’”
Thus came H8R (which the Stanford Department of Psychology has since distanced itself from). The premise is simple: “social media and other platform-based companies who have an issue of hateful and divisive speech come to H8R and pay for the right to use its algorithm,” continued Bennet. “We track potential hostile internet presences using a massive database of identified past, present, and predicted future haters, and use other fun algorithms to find all we can about their lives. When these individuals look like they’re about to bully someone, our model swoops in and writes comments in the textboxes that cut them to their immature, spiteful little core.”
During my demo on Instagram, H8R immediately worked its magic. “See, you’re doing this, but shouldn’t you actually be telling your mom that you don’t want to go to Law School, but instead go to New York and try to make it on the stage? Well, I’m not surprised: you’ve always been too much of a chicken to take any risks with your life.” The text was then immediately deleted, leaving me taken aback by both the clarity of the text and the precision of the analysis.
H8R continued to impress during other demos. H8R remembers past interactions with users across platforms, including Twitter (“Wow, look at you, about to make a friend feel bad for pursuing an opportunity”), Facebook (“Haven’t you ever thought about founding your own start-up, rather than envying others’ accomplishments?”), and even MySpace (“You are a sad, sad little man. This, this right here, is why Caitlin left you”).
This innovative approach to solving hate-speech and polarization has proved surprisingly effective. Meta Platforms alone has reported a 50% reduction in “hostile language on our platform,” citing would-be aggressive users’ “complete reduction into a puddle of tears by H8R.”
However, some legal experts have expressed concerns about this platform. “Look, when I had my demo, it started bringing up unresolved feelings I had about my father. Stuff I never told anyone,” said Amelia Ricardo JD ’01, a Stanford Law Professor specializing in surveillance law. “There’s something illegal here, but I’m still so devastated…” she paused, gazing out into the distance during our virtual interview. “So devastated. Look, I need a break before I can do anything. Sorry, Sam, but I need to go talk to my mom about some things,” she said as she left the Zoom meeting.
Meanwhile, H8R is trying to figure out how to apply similar tools to curbing mis/disinformation, but is struggling to deal with the content’s overwhelming presence. “Like, our prototype says almost every, single, social media post, both political and non-political in nature, is lying about something,” said Chief Engineer, James Assange (relation) ’22. “However,” said Assange, with a certain gleam in his eyes reminiscent of conspiracy theorists and caffeine fiends, “I don’t think the algorithm is wrong. See, that’s the thing: it’s right. About everything. Everything on these platforms, on these newspapers, in our lives, it’s all lies! Lies! LIES!!!!!!” (Since the writing of this article, I have since been informed that Assange has been placed on “personal leave.”)
Nevertheless, Bennet remains a hot name in the start-up scene. H8R’s impacts are sure to permeate not just the internet, but civil discourse as a whole. Until then, stay excited, stay informed, and see you next time!
Sam Lustgarten is a writer for The Daily, but he has recently filed for a Leave of Absence to “stop faking it and live it up in NYC baby!” All would-be haters should be advised that The Stanford Daily has since become a “Platinum-Level” client of H8R. In other words: haters, consider yourself warned.
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