Horror stats behind West Ham’s transfer dealings show ‘Eastenders’ image of Cockneys is a load of old cobblers
TURNS out EastEnders is a load of old cobblers after all.
Drop into Albert Square anytime and you leave with the impression that all Cockneys are sharp as a tack. Wheeler-dealers, who are no mugs when it comes to striking a deal.
Not if West Ham are anything to go by.
Figures released by the FA this week reveal the Hammers’ hierarchy splashed out a whopping £19million on agents’ fees in the year from February 2024.
That’s the eighth highest spend on the transfer market’s middle men in the entire Premier League across two transfer windows.
And the only way they’ll get into the top ten of anything for some time.
The return on this sizeable investment is being fourth from bottom as a cheerless campaign draws to a miserable end.
It’s only that the three teams below them — Southampton, Leicester and Ipswich — are so spectacularly awful that West Ham are safe from relegation.
They have effectively shelled out £542,000 to agents for every one of their 35 points so far this season.
Over the course of the previous summer and winter windows, they have blown in excess of £105m on new players — each with an intermediary probably trousering a hefty commission.
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And the reward is them heading for their worst finish in the top flight in five years.
Indeed, they still require five points to better the 39 from 2020 when David Moyes rescued them with his emergency appointment to clear up the mess left by Manuel Pellegrini.
Majority owner David Sullivan and his peers back their managers unequivocally — they don’t sack easily and support them financially.
It’s like having the Mitchell brothers fighting your corner.
But player recruitment is a different ball game.
Dot Cotton could have performed better in the transfer market than now departed technical director Tim Steidten.
Take Guido Rodriguez. Signed on a free last summer, if the Argentine midfielder and his representative had any sense they would have demanded higher wages and commission because no fee was involved. That’s how it goes.
Rodriguez, 31, has completed just three games for West Ham.
The most recent, a 1-1 draw against Brentford on September 28.
He was hooked 38 minutes into the 3-0 home rout by Chelsea a week earlier for “tactical” reasons.
New boss Graham Potter is clearly not having him.
Rodriguez has played a total of three minutes over the last ten games and hasn’t got off the bench at all in the past four.
There are others like him at the London Stadium.
It’s a similar story at nearby Tottenham. Only one place and £600k below the generous Hammers in their unwitting donations to the unofficial football agents’ benevolent fund, Spurs are in turmoil.
Two points and two places above their struggling neighbours from E20 in the Prem, Timo Werner is approaching the end of his second loan spell, having been ghosted.
Cut from boss Ange Postecoglou’s Europa League squad, one goal in 27 appearances, not played since the end of February. Savaged by the boss publicly.
Chairman Daniel Levy can blame nobody but himself for not learning his lesson the first time around with German Werner, or from watching him flop at Chelsea previously.
And the grim news for both of these clubs is that they will be there for the taking again this summer, because it’s going to take a whole lot more spending to dig them out of their respective holes.
You can almost hear the sound of hands being rubbed together.
Meanwhile, Nottingham Forest occupy fourth place, chasing a Champions League spot, having spent a relatively minor £13.5m on agents.
Everton are above West Ham and Tottenham and on the up after laying out just £9.2m to the deal brokers.
Newcastle and Aston Villa paid more in finders’ fees but are at least getting some bang for their buck.
For anyone up North reading this, London’s streets really are paved with gold.
You just need to become a football agent to find out.