Miss Manners: I just found out what my mother-in-law has been saying about me

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have always struggled to get along with my mother-in-law.

We are very different in tastes and temperament. I have tried to be polite and welcoming, to encourage familial bonds and to find some way to make her happy, but nothing I have done has ever been right.

She is quite outspoken in her negative opinions, so time with her is a series of insults — all for the purpose of educating and improving me, of course. It seems I am ridiculously hypersensitive for having hurt feelings.

After decades of trying hard to get along, I now do my best to avoid her, which makes her that much angrier and more aggressive.

I don’t particularly care what she tells her friends about me, though it often gets back to me. My own friends and family know me, and are not impressed with her carrying on.

But lately we have a new wrinkle that does bother me tremendously: She has been expressing her dismay that she could not choose her son’s wife, and so she has to put up with me.

This comment is being made to acquaintances, other in-laws during family events, my husband’s co-workers when they have stopped by for business reasons … in short, people who do not know us well, and whom I would prefer not to have thinking I am a terrible person.

Honestly, I would just end all contact if it were up to me alone, but my husband loves his mother and I have to respect his feelings, too.

What would be an appropriate way to end these comments, or at least to manage the side-eye and gossip they provoke?

GENTLE READER: Deflecting this is simplicity itself, as you can rely on three cliches that are so exhausted no one bothers with whether they are even occasionally true: that mothers-in-law are hateful; that old people are senile; and that married couples who say they are blissfully happy, are.

Next time someone tells you your mother-in-law has said she wished she could have chosen her son’s wife, smile and say you’ve heard her say that before — and that you and your husband are both so pleased it was not up to her.

Of course, if your husband is within earshot, you may want to amend that to remove his name. Otherwise, he may feel that he is helping toss his mother a reciprocal insult.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I occasionally socialize with a couple we know through a charitable organization.

The last few events, the husband has made a comment to me to the effect of, “It sure didn’t take you long to get a beer.” All while he is drinking a beer.

I can guess what the implication is, and at this point I am reluctant to be around this couple anymore.

What is your take on this? Am I being too sensitive?

GENTLE READER: Being overly sensitive is the accusation that gets made to defend insulting behavior — as if calling it humor makes it so. Miss Manners agrees with you that the husband should enjoy his beer without your company.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.