Asking Eric: I want these women out of my fiance’s house
Dear Eric: I am a 62-year-old woman engaged to a 59-year-old man. We have been together for eight years. He is my best friend.
The problem? His 25- and 29-year-old daughters do not work or contribute to the household at all. They stay up all night and play games and sleep all day.
Thankfully, I have my own home. I refuse to marry him until these “lumps” move out.
I realize this is a “fiancé” problem. I have suggested family therapy, life coaches, etc. Any other suggestions?
– Delayed Engagement
Dear Engagement: I have one, but you’re not going to love it, I’m afraid. Acceptance.
You’ve made it clear to him what you need in order to move forward. It’s a reasonable need, given that by marrying and moving in together, you’d also presumably be moving in with his daughters and your financial situation would be impacted by his family’s financial arrangement. It’s smart for you to hold off.
However, he’s also, in a roundabout way, made it clear to you what he needs, at least for right now. He either can’t or won’t coach his daughters into leaving the roost or contributing financially. This is not a healthy situation for any of them, but that’s the choice he’s making.
You can either accept that this is a problem he doesn’t want to fix and remain engaged but apart, or you can decide that it creates an insurmountable problem in your relationship and make a change. But it’s clear that an ultimatum isn’t going to fix this, unfortunately.
You might look back at the last eight years to try to figure out where this dynamic between him and his daughters came from and try to talk him through it.
Your suggestions of family therapy and life coaching are good ones, but they have to be ready and willing to take the next step. Right now, they’re too comfortable playing video games for free.
Dear Eric: While I was having lunch with my 75-year-old mother the other day, she suddenly announced that she does not want to live in a nursing home. She repeated it several times.
Unfortunately, my mom hasn’t been able to save much for her future and doesn’t have a plan in place if she ever needs long-term care.
For now, she lives nearby in a wonderful senior community with plenty of social activities, which she really enjoys. Her rent is based on her income, and thankfully, she is able to live within her means. However, her current living situation does not offer a continuum of care, so if she ever becomes incapacitated, she will need to relocate.
My mom is only 18 years older than me, and because I helped raise my siblings, I deliberately chose not to have children.
As the oldest of five, I sense that my siblings are looking to me to come up with a plan, and my mom even half-jokingly calls me her mother at times.
I want to make sure she’s well cared for, but I don’t want to be the one solely responsible for managing her future.
How can I be a good daughter while honoring my own boundaries?
– Not Ready to be Mom’s Mom
Dear Not Ready: This is an opportunity for you, a de facto mother hen figure, to push everyone out of the nest and encourage them to fly on their own. What does this mean outside of metaphor-land? There are six adults in this situation and each of them, your mom included, needs to start coming up with solutions.
Just as your mom made her proclamation and expected you to pivot accordingly, you should tell your siblings that you will not be figuring out the next steps in your mom’s care alone. Preferably, this happens at a family meeting with your mother in attendance so that everyone is on the same page.
You may still have to do some project management, but this family meeting is a time when responsibilities can be divided up and options can be presented. Someone can take a look at mom’s finances and talk to the other siblings about what kind of financial support they can offer. Someone can talk with your mom and her doctor about what kind of care support she might need and what services there are to meet those needs. Someone can be the point person for sibling communication. Someone can start researching caregiving and ways for siblings to share the responsibility.
None of those people should be you. Don’t leave until everyone has taken on a task.
It’s good that your mom is thinking about this in advance and that there isn’t an imminent concern. This gives your siblings time to adjust to the new paradigm and gives you time to release some of the responsibility with love.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.