I couldn’t wait to get married to my fiancée but a shock confession that she’s planning has left me with cold feet
WEDDINGS are meant to be a time of excitement, where a couple dedicates an entire day to celebrating the love they share.
However, it’s also a time when those getting married often find themselves deep in thought, preparing to commit to each other for the rest of their lives.
This is precisely what one groom-to-be is experiencing, as he has taken to Reddit’s popular forum Am I the A**hole to seek advice on a complicated matter.
The groom, 30, shared the story of his relationship with his fiancée Emily, also 30, as the couple plans their autumn wedding.
He explained that he loves her “deeply” and has “never been more sure about anything” in his life.
Yet, there is “one thing that’s been eating” at him, prompting him to reach out for guidance.
The groom revealed that Emily was previously married to a man named Tyler, who tragically died in a car accident five years ago.
Emily and Tyler had married in their early twenties, and she has been very open about how Tyler was her “first love.”
The groom-to-be wrote: “Over the years, I’ve supported her through moments of grief, anniversaries, random waves of sadness.
“She still visits his grave on his birthday, and she keeps a box of his things in our closet. I’ve never touched it.
“She’s shown me a few pictures of them together, and I’ve listened to her talk about what kind of person he was. I’ve tried really hard to respect that part of her life while also building our own.”
But as their wedding day approaches, Emily admitted she plans to wear Tyler’s wedding ring on a chain around her neck during the ceremony.
She explained that it would serve as a “quiet tribute” and was “just something personal.”
He wrote: “She said she wouldn’t be where she is now without having gone through that loss, and she feels like carrying that part of her story into this new chapter is meaningful.”
The groom-to-be continued: “I didn’t say much at the time because I didn’t know how to respond. But the more I sat with it, the more it bothered me. So I finally told her how I felt.”
He explained that he struggles with the idea of her wearing another man’s wedding ring—“even if he’s gone”—on their wedding day.
Your wedding is inherently, implicitly, and factually about your relationship together, and her late husband shouldn’t be a part of it
Reddit user
The groom-to-be added: “I told her it makes me feel like I’m sharing the most important day of my life with someone who’s not here. I said it makes me feel like second place.”
However, Emily’s response left him feeling conflicted, and he revealed that there has been a “weird tension” between the couple ever since.
He wrote: “[She] told me that she wasn’t ‘choosing’ him over me, and that she’s allowed to honour her past while still moving forward.
“She said grief isn’t a door you close—it just becomes part of who you are.
“I get that. I really do. But at the same time, I don’t think I’m asking something outrageous by wanting this one day—our day—to be about the life we’re building together, not the one she lost.
“She hasn’t brought it up again, but she hasn’t said she’s changed her mind, either.”
The groom-to-be admitted he “feels like the bad guy” but is “struggling with the idea of standing at the altar” knowing she’ll be carrying a symbol of her first marriage.
Seeking advice, he turned to Reddit, where over 4,200 people responded in the comments section, sharing their thoughts.
One person wrote: “I was widowed at 29 and remarried six years later. I can totally relate to your fiancée’s rationale for this and also understand your very normal feelings about it. That said, I think she’s wrong.
“Your wedding is inherently, implicitly, and factually about your relationship together, and her late husband shouldn’t be a part of it.
“There are lots of ways she can continue to honour and remember him [for] the rest of her life—this is one day.
“My worry for you is that she’s doing it as a sort of apology to him for moving on with you. I wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of that either.”
You should be the most important person in her life
Reddit user
A second commenter added: “I think you should postpone the wedding. I don’t think your fiancée is ready.”
Another widow shared their perspective, writing: “Hey. Widow here. I know each person grieves differently, but I think her behaviour is a signal that she’s not ready for a life that doesn’t include her late husband.
“It’s not just about a wedding ring. When you have children, will she want to name your first child after him? Yes. You will NEVER be first in her life.
“Can you live with that? I would hope you believe you should be the most important person in her life. You are not.
“Please take time to really think this through before you walk down that aisle together. Please don’t sell yourself short.”
Are wedding rules right or wrong?
By Josie Griffiths, Fabulous deputy editor and bride-to-be
Josie Griffiths said: When I was planning my wedding this August, the idea of sending out a list of ‘rules’ never once popped into my mind.
The first two this bride created seem fair enough, but also like they should be common sense, and then they just descend into chaos.
Insisting on “approving” all photos before they go out and ordering guests to stick to a “minimalist” colour palette seems pretty OTT to me.
And rudely telling guests to leave you alone when you arrive at the ceremony and eat your dinner – while also ordering them to come say goodbye before leaving – is a bit mad.
I don’t know how many guests this bride is inviting, but everyone knows weddings can get a bit manic. Of course it’d be nice to greet and say goodbye to everyone personally, but I’ve come to peace with the fact that probably won’t happen.
Like with everything in life, once you get yourself in a tizz about everything happening a certain way, you’re basically setting yourself up for failure.
I don’t pretend to be the most laid-back bride ever and I can’t promise I won’t get a bit stressed if we’re running loads behind on the morning of my wedding, but this is just massively over the top.
I agree with the commenters, I wouldn’t bother going.