Man who sat out war declares war on those who didn't
WASHINGTON — Declaring that America has spent “far too long celebrating people just because they went to some war,” convicted felon and current President Donald Trump officially declared war on the country’s veterans Monday, citing “military favoritism” and “disrespect toward those of us who dared to stay home.”
Trump, who avoided service in Vietnam with five separate deferments, reportedly laid out the plan in front of “many, many people” who attended a fundraiser dinner held at Mar-a-Lago last week.
“People say, ‘Oh, they risked their lives, they served their country.’ But did they ever have to convince a medical doctor to write a note? I don’t think so,” Trump reportedly told donors between bites of steak drowned in ketchup. “I fought a different kind of war, avoiding STDs. It's a much smarter war. And unlike that dead loser John McCain, who got captured, I won.”
The new campaign follows a series of executive orders and actions Trump and his administration have taken in his first 60 days that undoubtedly harm the active duty and veteran communities, including:
Compromising Veterans' data and federal benefits at the hands of an unelected, non-Congressionally-appointed billionaire.
Instituting a ban on transgender troops, many of whom were rated as outstanding in their fields.
Refusing to rule out long-term U.S. "ownership" of Gaza, raising concerns about starting another endless war.
Firing over 1,000 employees from the Department of Veterans Affairs, including some at the Veterans Crisis Line, amidst a continued purge of the federal workforce, 28% of which comprises veterans. An additional 80,000 staffers are rumored to be let go by fall 2025.
Telling veterans fired that “they’re not fit to have a job at this moment.”
Stripping content about heroic black and women veterans from the websites of Arlington National Cemetery and the Department of Defense.
Despite the backlash, Trump insists those who served get "way too much credit" while those who avoided service, like himself, are the real heroes. His new initiative, Operation Too Much Credit, includes:
A “Pay Your Fair Share” tax on VA benefits, ensuring veterans “give back” to those who stayed behind to “keep America running.”
A new holiday honoring those who avoided military service, or what Trump has reportedly called “D-Day.”
A rebranding of the Purple Heart, which Trump calls “a little too dramatic.” Instead, wounded troops will receive the “Trump Gold Star of Smart Choices,” honoring those who “lived through combat without getting hurt.”
An executive order revoking military discounts at restaurants. “Why do these people get 10% off at Applebee’s? Did I ever get 10% off? No. I should get more because I eat there way more than they do.”
The series of proposals is just the latest in a series of hostile actions Trump has taken against military members and their families, including feuding with Gold Star families, allegedly calling POWs “losers,” and telling grieving parents of a fallen soldier, “Well, he knew what he signed up for.”
However, veteran groups have condemned Trump’s latest initiative. Retired Army Col. Mark Davidson, who served multiple tours in Iraq and Afghanistan, said, “I have three Bronze Stars, and now I’m supposed to pay a ‘fair share’ tax on my VA benefits to cover billionaires who sat out the war and went on to befriend pedophiles? I can’t believe I voted for this.”
Others were more direct.
“I got shot in the chest by a Taliban fighter in 2012,” said former Marine Sgt. Jake Benson. “At least he had the balls to look me in the eye before trying to fuck me.”
Despite the backlash, Trump remains firm.
“These guys always talk about sacrifice, but they should see what I went through,” he said while adjusting his golf glove ahead of his daily tee time at Mar-a-Lago. “Imagine knowing your name could be drawn in the draft lottery, even though it wouldn’t be because your dad knew a guy. I couldn’t sleep at night. And I know a lot about lotteries. And now, after all that, I have to watch those guys get free healthcare? Disgusting. It gives me the shin splints just thinking about it.”
At press time, Trump was drafting an executive order to convert Arlington National Cemetery into a luxury golf course, arguing that “if they loved America, they wouldn’t mind giving up a little space for a signature Trump property. They’re not doing anything anyway.”
Clay Beyersdorfer is a writer and comedian living in St. Louis. He can be seen attempting to achieve stardom at open mics or getting turned down by satire editors and television producers. He tackles issues like his unhealthy obsession with food, sports ball, and living as an Army veteran.