I’m having a steamy affair with my neighbour’s wife but I feel guilty about it
DEAR DEIDRE: MY neighbour’s wife seduced me after I gave her a lift home one night.
Now we’re having a steamy affair but I feel so guilty about her husband that I want to end it.
I’m a single guy aged 34. She is about ten years older.
Her husband is disabled following a stroke and she has cared for him for several years.
I sometimes bump into them in the street when she is taking him out for a walk or going shopping.
One night, I went to the pub with some mates and she was there with some of her friends. We got chatting and she told me she was having a welcome night off while a relative looked after her husband.
She had a lot to drink and was quite flirty.
At the end of the evening, I offered to give her a lift home as I’d only had one drink.
When we got back, she asked if she could come into my flat for coffee to sober up a bit.
Given how tactile she was being with me, I should have said no, but I agreed. It wasn’t long before we were having very passionate sex on my sofa.
Since then, we’ve repeated the experience several times.
It was fun and exciting at first but now the guilt is starting to get to me.
When I told her how I felt, she said it wasn’t my place to feel bad and that she needed something to look forward to.
Besides, she said her husband couldn’t satisfy her any more.
I feel what we are doing is wrong, yet I don’t know how to break up with her.
READ MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Regardless of the rights or wrongs of having an affair with a married woman, you’re uncomfortable.
Nobody should feel they have to stay in a relationship they don’t want to be in.
True, her life will be incredibly challenging but you shouldn’t get stuck in an affair to keep her happy. You need to be firm with her and say it isn’t working for you any more.
My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help.
If you see her in the street in the future, just be polite but keep it brief and move on.
You might also like to read my support pack, Your Lover Not Free? which has more information on affairs.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
SO FED UP AT VICTIM SHAMING
DEAR DEIDRE: ALL my life I have been bullied, but the general advice to “have a stiff upper lip” and not react made the experience worse for me.
Not everyone is brave, so being told by others to not let my feelings show made me feel judged.
I’m a 34-year-old woman, and was bullied both at secondary school for several years, and at work by my manager.
Sometimes I couldn’t pretend I wasn’t upset, or stop myself from crying.
But that doesn’t mean I’m weak. I’m just sensitive.
Telling me to “deal with it” feels like victim blaming. I didn’t deserve it – the bully was the one in the wrong.
I’m not being bullied now – I have a new job with a lovely boss – but it still really bothers me.
DEIDRE SAYS: Bullies sometimes back off if their victims don’t react, but that doesn’t mean that you are weak for showing your emotions, or to blame for being bullied.
General advice is just that – it doesn’t work for everyone in every situation.
Finding someone you trust and respect to talk to about bullying can also really help – perhaps a teacher at school or HR at work.
My support pack, Are you Being Bullied?, should also help you with more sources of help.
SCARED I’LL BE BRANDED A PERVERT
DEAR DEIDRE: THE guy I have fallen for is more than 20 years younger than me.
Even though it doesn’t seem to bother him, I’m worried that our age gap is too big for our relationship to work, and that people will judge us.
I’m a 58-year-old man, and he is 36. After meeting at a cycling club, we really hit it off.
But the more time we spent together, the more I started to feel anxious about the difference in our ages and life experience.
He says he loves being with me and that we should take each day as it comes. He finds guys his own age shallow.
I worry people will think I’m an old pervert for wanting to be with a man so much younger. Is a large age gap more acceptable these days?
DEIDRE SAYS: You’re not in a position of power over him and he’s old enough to know his own mind, so there’s nothing wrong with your relationship.
While some people might judge, what’s important is that you are comfortable together.
My support pack Age Gaps – Do They Matter? should help you decide if you can make this work.
His approach – to take things as they come – sounds mature and sensible.
IS ELUSIVE LOVER OUT TO CON ME?
DEAR DEIDRE: I AM beginning to fear my online lover is a scammer.
Despite his declarations of love, after a year of “dating”, we still haven’t met. But he has never sent me rude pictures, or asked for money.
I’m in my mid 40s and recently divorced, so haven’t been on the dating scene for decades.
This guy is in his late-40s, and also divorced, and we met through a dating site.
Unlike the other men, he seemed genuinely interested in talking to me and forming a connection.
But despite talking almost daily, both by messages, videos and on the phone, he is never available to meet in person. The first time we planned a date, he was ill, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. The second time, a work commitment arose.
The third time, he had to deal with a sick family member, and so it goes on.
He lives about 50 miles from me, so it isn’t straightforward. But I don’t understand why after this long he still can’t manage one physical date.
My best friend, who is an experienced online dater, says this guy is stringing me along and is probably married. What do I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: Alarm bells should be ringing if you still haven’t met after a whole year of dating. This doesn’t mean he is playing a long game in order to scam you for money.
Your friend might be right that he isn’t single. Or perhaps he has lied about his appearance, age or profession.
If you really like him, you need to tell him your fears and ask him to be honest with you.
Arrange a video call, if you haven’t already, and set a deadline to meet.
If it doesn’t happen by then, make no excuses – you do need to walk away.
My support pack, Love Online, has useful information about navigating such relationships.
If you do suspect a scam, contact Action Fraud (actionfraud.police.uk, 0300 123 2040).