Asking Eric: How can I help these kids without dealing with their awful dad?
Dear Eric: For more than five years I have been having a single friend and her two kids over to dinner weekly.
This started after her philandering, narcissistic husband, who had been having an affair while she was nearing term with a difficult pregnancy and hospitalized, left her for the other woman. At the time, my friend was on maternity leave with the new preemie and the older child.
I ceased contact with the philanderer/deserter and have never spoken to the girlfriend (now wife), and I don’t intend to.
The divorce, because of the complexities of rearing children between two households, remains fraught, and the children are suffering because of it.
Now, the ex and his new wife are moving into a house on the street where I live, and where I am friendly with everyone else.
How do I navigate this? I want to remain a steady presence in the children’s lives but have nothing to do with the narcissistic household.
– Pseudo Grandparent
Dear Grandparent: You can hold the line with the ex-husband. Not every neighbor needs to be your friend.
Since you have a relationship with the kids and with their mom, you might talk to her about the new arrangement and ask her how you can best be supportive.
It will probably be very helpful for the kids to have a place on the block that they know is safe and supportive.
They may not yet be old enough to come visit on their own, so for now your weekly dinners may have to suffice. But continuing this tradition will strengthen the relationship you’re building and help them – the kids and your friend – to see you as a crucial support.
Dear Eric: Our daughter is 46 years old. She has been an addict most of her life, with short periods of sobriety.
She is sadly now in a position of no place to live, no job; her children have completely cut her out of their lives.
We bought her a car on her promise she would get a job – it hasn’t happened.
My heart is broken, and I’m at my wits’ end.
Sadly, she has an identical twin sister (a successful professional) who is deeply affected by this. Our other children, too, are all successful with jobs and families.
What can/should we do? My husband and I are in our 70s and on a fixed income.
– Heartbroken Mom
Dear Mom: This is hard for your daughter, for you, and for your entire family; I’m sorry.
A core component of many recovery programs is an admission of powerlessness over addiction. Though painful, it will be helpful for you to admit powerlessness over your daughter’s addiction, as well.
This doesn’t mean you love her any less nor does it mean you won’t do whatever you can to help. But it means you can’t take the steps she needs to take to recover. Only she can do that.
Be clear with your daughter that you want to help her, you love her, and you see the struggle she’s had most of her life.
Guilt and shame are not going to motivate her – not that I think that’s a tactic you’re employing.
At this point, financial support is not going to help, and it has the potential to put you in dire straits.
You may feel fear when setting this boundary for yourself. Talk about these feelings with your loved ones, including your children, and in a group like SMART Recovery Family or Al-Anon.
Having a robust support system will remind you that you’re not alone, your daughter is also not alone, and there are options available to all of you.
Dear Eric: I applaud “Trying to Move Forward” for recognizing the need to truly forgive an abusive elder.
My father’s mother was emotionally abusive to me and a sibling. She never cared enough to acknowledge her mistreatment or its effects.
Counseling helped me begin to address my lingering attitude. I was encouraged to write a letter to her, read it aloud at her grave, and bury it there. It took me a while, but I did do exactly that and managed to release my anger.
I admit it took a number of years and more counseling for me to find socially acceptable wording to use when speaking of her. It was difficult to change the habit of calling her what she was.
Habits influence attitudes. My attitude has definitely improved since I developed the new habit when talking about my father’s mother. Perhaps, Trying to Move Forward or another reader will find this idea helpful.
– Done with Negative Cycles
Dear Done: Thank you for sharing this. Healing’s timetable is rarely what we want it to be, but I’m glad that you put in the work to get yourself to a better place.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.