Asking Eric: My final farewell with a dying friend left me feeling empty
Dear Eric: Mike was my friend for more than 50 years. We carpooled to work together for nearly 15 years. Our bond grew even closer when his 16-year-old son died by suicide after a struggle with depression.
Mike appeared so strong during that tragedy, but I know he suffered intense grief, and I did my best to be there for him.
I retired first, and Mike about two years later. Unfortunately, shortly after retiring, Mike developed an aggressive cancer which he valiantly fought for three or four months.
We saw each other and he remained optimistic during that time. However, when he received the unfortunate diagnosis that the treatments were not working, he became withdrawn and did not want to see me, although we would have occasional phone conversations when he felt up to it.
He’d said, “I don’t want you to see me like this. Remember me the way I was.”
We spoke the day before he passed. He thanked me for being his friend for much of his life and insisted I not cry when I choked up during the conversation. It was painful but I fought it back for his sake; I broke down after we bid our final farewells and promised to meet again in the great beyond. He wanted a family-only graveside service.
Mike’s desires left a hole in my heart. I lost my friend, and I never felt I did enough those final months or adequately bid him farewell.
Mike’s wife never warmed up to me or my wife, and we did nothing together as couples. I did call her about nine months after Mike died and had a pleasant conversation. However, she’s never reached out and I haven’t tried to contact her again, although I’ve wondered if I should.
What are your thoughts?
– Another Friend in Pain
Dear Friend: I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend Mike. I know the pain of his absence has been hard to navigate, especially after 50 years of friendship.
I hope you can continue to get closure from the knowledge that you got to say goodbye, even if it wasn’t the way you wanted to. Mike was navigating a lot during those final months, and you did a kind and loving thing by respecting his wishes for space.
Your desire to reach out to his wife again comes from a kind place, as well. It could be helpful to both of you to speak about Mike together, but without a longstanding relationship, it’s hard to tell.
Instead of a call, if you feel compelled to reach out again, try sending a letter and enclosing your number. This gives her the option to respond if she feels it will be helpful, or to simply appreciate the gesture if she’s not.
As you continue to navigate grief, I hope you’re talking about Mike and your feelings around his death with your loved ones and friends who have known him. Even if you don’t have a connection to his wife, you can still keep his memory alive with others.
Dear Eric: My 22-year-old son has met a 36-year-old woman in Brazil on the internet. He has fallen for her and is planning to go there this summer for at least three months.
My husband and I are very worried. He doesn’t speak the language, although he is learning it. He hasn’t traveled by himself before, and there are advisories for traveling to Brazil.
We also worry about this woman’s motives. He has been sending her money. One friend cautioned that she may be looking to marry him as a way to come to the United States.
He is an adult, but we are very worried and don’t want him to go. What advice do you have?
– Long Distance
Dear Distance: As someone who had one of the most transformational experiences of my life traveling solo to Brazil, I’m sad about your son’s situation because it has some of the warning signs of a romance scam and there are so many better, non-scam ways to be introduced to the country.
According to the Federal Trade Commission, there were more than 64,000 reported romance scams in 2023, raking in $1.14 billion dollars. The FBI has a special webpage specifically dedicated to them. Visit FBI.gov or the Internet Crime Complaint Center and see if any of the common tactics resonate with what you’re seeing in your son’s case.
There you’ll also find guidance for how to talk to your son about what he’s doing and how to encourage him to think more critically about his actions. He’s not alone in this.
Certainly, long-distance love can and does happen. But those connecting with others they haven’t met, especially others who are asking for money, need to exercise a lot more prudence.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.