A crater, a curry and an arthritic baboon saved my sanity

So, here you are on the morning commute to work.

You would prefer to have started earlier but other family members are involved, meaning it is the usual stressful race against time and traffic to get everybody to university and work on time. 

The mental traffic-calming measures are in place with Nirvana’s Nevermind album blasting from the sound system. 

You are skilfully bobbing and weaving around the potholes, the locations of which have been etched into your memory by painful past experience, when suddenly the Kimberley Big Hole opens up before you. 

Last night’s prolonged downpour has opened up a crater where just yesterday there was reasonably smooth tar. 

The car lurches and there is a nasty crunching sound as your front wheel thumps into the pothole. An anguished howl bursts from your mouth followed by a stream of curses usually reserved for the multitude of death-wish drivers on our roads.

This scenario has only one ending — another expensive trip to whichever tyre shop has a deal that won’t completely deflate your wallet. 

But these days there can be a silver lining to this horror show. 

There is a worldwide audience out there frantically scrolling on their phones, trying to find something — anything — vaguely amusing. 

And millions of people have become content creators to profit from this captive audience.

Crash-bang noises, violent cursing, loud music, anguished faces. This is spontaneous content creation. All you need is a dashcam, maybe an inside-the-car cam, a bit of creative editing and to press upload. 

And, if this incident happens in a particularly dangerous part of town, say on the off-ramp underneath Joe Slovo Drive near Ponte in Joburg, the tension as you change the tyre is bound to ramp up the “likes”.

Despite my general disdain for social media, I confess that I am not immune to its limitless offerings and have been known to let my scrolling fingers dance to the algorithm’s beat. 

Predictably, what pops up on my screen most often has to do with food.

Bunny Chow Hunter is a daily stop-off for me. Curry lovers, particularly those from Durban, are always in search of the best place to get their fix and I now know where to find a bunny chow in even the most obscure places in South Africa.

Reviews are taken very seriously. Freshness of the bread; size and tenderness of the ubiquitous potato; number and tenderness of the pieces of meat; heat, flavour and quantity of gravy and the tastiness of the essential carrot sambal. 

There are disagreements and sometimes harsh words are exchanged.

Mostly, I am attracted by the pictures of delicious (often traditional) dishes and immediately want the recipe. The problem is that many of these content creators haven’t made allowance for the short attention span of scrollers and precious minutes are taken up showing us how to prepare the ingredients, with particularly tedious attention given to the correct way to chop onions.

This is why the young Greek guy @Nikolopaa tops my list. Clad in a white vest and a gold chain, and with an accent thicker than the best Greek yoghurt, he whips through the recipes for all the classic Greek dishes. 

“Chop im up good,” is the closest he gets to advice on preparing the ingredients and soon it is time for the taste test. “It’s bladdy good,” is always his verdict. 

And, just like that, you know how to make meatballs, spanakopita and kleftiko.

Rose is a woman from Ghana who married a Chinese man and went to live with him in his home village in a rural area. She speaks the dialect fluently, has become an expert at cooking the local traditional food and is much loved by all the villagers. 

Rose’s scenes of everyday life in the village, shopping, cooking, looking after her children and working in the fields are somehow fascinating. Perhaps it is just such a wholesome escape from our often troubled lives in South Africa.

Another amusing escape can be found at Ruben Namibia. Ruben lives on the family farm, surrounded by a horde of rescued animals. There are meerkats, a mongoose, warthogs, a squirrel and a porcupine, among others, all ruled over by Cindy the large, blind, arthritic baboon. 

Watching the interactions between this strange menagerie can bring a smile to my face even after the most stressful deadline day. And I think the buff Ruben with his Clark Gable moustache and tight khaki farmers’ shorts (Google him) has much to do with the multitude of followers.

There is no doubt that cute animals are hard to compete with in this strange world of “content”. Dogs with cats, birds with dogs, cats with horses, cows with cats, dogs with dolphins, pigs with goats, horses with cats, donkeys with horses. All these combinations ramp up the cuteness factor that guarantees the sought-after likes, shares and follows.

For me, the real winners in the cute creature category are the turtles and whales. I know that if I could be one of those people who lifts turtles out of the water and scrapes off all those pesky barnacles weighing down their shells it would be good for my soul. 

And if I dived into the sea to cut the rope and fishing gear that has entangled a whale, all the sins of my past would be washed away.

These random examples seem tame and innocent compared with what we know is out there. 

And I do admit to going through a time when the popular Puy Roti Lady popped up on my screen with uncomfortable regularity. 

She plies her trade from a food cart on the streets of Bangkok dressed in fashionable — revealing — outfits. I just can’t resist the rotis filled with banana and slathered in cream.