My passion for being dominated during sex will destroy our marriage – my wife is just too shy
LIFE’S A MISERY WITH BOOZY GUY
DEAR DEIDRE: LIVING with my alcoholic partner is making me feel so lonely that I think I’d be better off alone.
He won’t talk to me and we never go out together. All he’s interested in is booze and his video games.
We’ve been together for 20 years and are both in our 40s, with no kids.
He’s what you’d call a functioning alcoholic. He still manages to hold down a job, but he drinks every night and can’t cope without it. It’s making me so unhappy.
I pay for everything as he never has any money. We no longer have a social life because he’s alienated all our friends. My family can’t stand him and he was so rude to them that they barely speak to me now, either. The result is I have nobody to talk to about how I feel.
I know I should have left him years ago, but I hoped he would change, or at least cut down.
Instead, he’s got worse. I worry about his health, too. He doesn’t admit he has a problem. He seems to think it’s normal to drink several bottles of wine every evening.
I think it’s time for me to leave him to pickle himself, if that’s what he wants to do. But the thought of starting again is scary.
DEIDRE SAYS: There’s nothing more lonely than feeling alone in a relationship.
But sadly, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.
Perhaps if you tell your partner just how unhappy you are, and explain that you are at the point of leaving, he may finally acknowledge his problem.
My support pack, Dealing With A Problem Drinker, could be useful.
However, if he won’t accept help, then it might be wise to put yourself first and find a way out.
Do reach out to your family and old friends, who will probably be happy to hear from you.
Think about making new friends, too. Read my support pack, Widening Your Social Scene.
DO I TELL EX I'D LOVE TO TRY AGAIN?
DEAR DEIDRE: I WANT to ask my ex-girlfriend out again, but I’m worried she only wants to be friends.
She broke up with me 18 months ago, saying she wasn’t in the right headspace to date. Now we’re back in touch and I can’t tell if she’s keen.
I’m 25 and she’s 23. We dated for six months and I was starting to fall in love with her when she dumped me.
She said it was her, not me. Her mum was ill, she had exams and she felt she couldn’t commit.
Lately, we’ve bumped into each other several times as we have mutual friends. She’s always really friendly and smiley, so I’m wondering if I should bite the bullet and say I’d love to start seeing her again.
DEIDRE SAYS: Her reasons for ending the relationship sound genuine – in which case, things might have changed.
But she may have also been letting you down gently.
If you’re worried about being rejected, perhaps sound out one of those mutual friends first to learn whether she’s single, or interested.
Alternatively, you could message her, or casually ask if she fancies a coffee next time you see her.
You should be able to gauge from her reaction where you stand.
SICK BUT BULLIED AT WORK
DEAR DEIDRE: SINCE I was diagnosed with cancer, I’ve been bullied and harassed by my colleagues.
Now I’m worrying about losing my job, as well as about losing my hair.
I’m a man of 58 and have been working for a local authority for 20 years in the accounts department.
Being diagnosed with advanced bowel cancer was devastating, but the lack of support I’m getting at work is almost worse.
When I go for treatment, my colleagues act like I’m ducking out of work and moan about having to fill in for me.
One even spread rumours that I was lying about having cancer.
My manager takes their side and has shown me no empathy or kindness, instead making me feel like I’m a shirker and a burden.
I feel so miserable and want to quit, but I can’t afford to walk away from my job.
DEIDRE SAYS: Being treated this way is unacceptable. Please document everything and go to your HR department and to your union.
You can get free, confidential advice from workplace arbitration service Acas (acas.org.uk, 0300 123 1100).
It’s also important you get emotional support for your treatment. Try Macmillan (macmillan.org.uk, 0808 808 0000).