In defense of Yankees fans: The real silent majority
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
As a few holdouts entertained themselves with March Madness, real Americans turned their attention to the crown jewel of the spring sports scene: Opening day of Major League Baseball. After a month of spring training games that count for nothing besides calories consumed and foul balls caught, the first of 162 regular season games is the devoted fan’s reward.
People claim that baseball is dying. Fortunately, people are wrong. In 2024, over 71 million lovers of excellence arrived at big league ballparks’ gates. And within this ocean of baseball fans, one team owns far more hearts than all the rest. Not the Los Angeles Dodgers, who probably have more fans in Japan than anywhere in this country. No, America’s soul —your soul — is intertwined with that of the New York Yankees. Heck, the highways that crisscross the nation’s surface might as well be pinstripes.
When the Yankees win, America wins. Sure, many people pretend to root for the little guy, and the Yankees are definitely not that. But deep down, they want to see the big guy win. Why? Because the people hate uncertainty. Nobody knows whether the little guy will put out a victory — that’s what makes them the underdog. When the big dogs win, it’s familiar. It’s predictable. It’s as certain as the sun rising in the morning, or the Mets paying some overrated player way too much.
Don’t believe me? Just look at the team valuations. The Yankees are by far the most valuable team in baseball at $8.2 billion, their revenue driven by fans hungry for tickets and branded merchandise. Meanwhile, the lowly Dodgers cannot even crack $7 billion. The people have revealed their true preferences through their wallets, and the Bronx Bombers have won. The richest people in America are also the most beloved for the same reason: Mark Zuckerberg, Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk. How do I know these men are the most beloved? Because everyone at Stanford, including you, wants to work for them.
All told, the Yankees won 20–9 over the Milwaukee Brewers on Saturday, sealing their first series win. Never mind the five defensive errors by New York, since defense doesn’t really matter anyway. How could any patriotic American not cheer for such an outcome? For those few who pretend to favor the Brewers, a question: Can you even find Milwaukee on a map? Do you even know which state it’s in? Yankees fans need not be frustrated with such complicated matters. The city has the same name as the state!
You can say that you don’t agree with this, that you don’t care for the “Evil Empire” of the Yankees, that maybe you don’t care for baseball. But that’s a lie. You were part of that overwhelming majority of Americans in 2023 that didn’t care that the Arizona Diamondbacks (who?) and the Texas Rangers (you mean the New York hockey team?) were in the World Series, but we both know that you were secretly looking at the scoreboard when the Yankees were right back in the championship last year.
Because in your heart of hearts, in the most secret, silent part of your soul, you love the Yankees. And that’s okay, because you’re just like every other American. You don’t want low-budget art films — you want superhero blockbusters. You don’t want to bank at your local credit union — you want American Express. And you don’t want to watch some sad little Midwestern team with a .500 record. No, you want 468-foot home runs, obscenely expensive pinstripe jerseys, tiramisu in a helmet bowl and a $300 million payroll.
For the holdouts out there, stop resisting. It’s pointless. Join the silent majority. Go Yankees!
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