From turf to surf: Stanford Football discovers what Basa Fish tastes like

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

After back-to-back-to-back-to-back failures by the Stanford football team during their regular seasons (see: Big Games 2022-2024), the Stanford Athletics department has revoked Athlete Dining privileges for the Cardinal Football team. This means that they must eat regular dining hall food with the rest of the Stanford student body, including Residential and Dining Enterprises’ (R&DE) signature basa fish.

The team’s transition from gourmet, luxurious athlete meals to sub-average campus cuisine has been nothing short of a nutritional crisis. Jacob (not his actual name), an offensive lineman, was overheard dramatically describing the “seared basa fish with olives and capers” as “a maritime mystery that defies all culinary comprehension.” His teammate, a quarterback who also wished to remain unnamed, reportedly suggested the fish might be “an experimental protein developed that might make me get a positive drug test.”

Complaints from the football team have been as consistent as their losing record. “This fish is so small, I could use it as a guitar pick,” declared a wide receiver, holding up a limp piece of basa that looked more like a translucent bookmark than a meal. “I’ve seen more substance in my MATH 21 homework answers.”

General Manager Andrew Luck, head of the Cardinal football program, seemed rather chipper about the whole situation. “Ever since the football team has been placed on the regular meal plan, everyone has been giving 120% in practice,” he stated brightly. “Something about this basa fish seems to have awakened a previously dormant desire to win. Perhaps this basa fish is the ultimate motivational tool the team’s been missing.”

Despite mass protests from the football team, nutritional experts from R&DE have argued that basa fish, while culinarily uninspiring, provides adequate protein/plastic, and contributes to the sustainable fishing practices in Monterey Bay, where they ethically source basa fish. 

Members on the football team, however, remain unconvinced. “Adequate protein?” a player remarked. “More like adequate punishment. At least Cal’s dining halls have fish that remembers what the ocean looks like.”

As the team continues to navigate this new dietary modification, it is evident that Stanford’s football program is undergoing a transformation. Perhaps through sheer determination to get back onto the coveted athlete dining plan to avoid consuming additional basa fish, the football team has been training extra hard. Come next season, something will definitely be cooking — and it’s not the dining hall’s seafood special.

Disclaimer: No microplastics were harmed in the writing of this article. Probably.

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