Stanford croquet frosh bests star of Cal Poly
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
To kick off spring sports at Stanford, the men’s varsity croquet team faced off against Cal Poly San Luis Obispo in a thrilling match at the Walter A. Levine Croquet Garden. Hot-shot freshman Arthur Esthelman ‘28 faced off against Cal Poly’s powerhouse, Jackson Lawrence, whom the NCAA has ranked as one of the top ten college croquet players for two years in a row.
The game opened with Esthelman launching an aggressive maximum distance shot, landing his first two hoops without a hitch, an indication of what was to come. In moments like these, it’s easy to see why they call Esthelman “The Rocket.” His shots are bold, risky and daring.
Lawrence stepped up to the baulk line and immediately made an aggressive attempt to match Esthelman’s early lead. Alas, Lawrence’s hubris caused him a great blow as his attempt to score two hoop points fell short of his attempt to roquet, costing him his turn and leaving him in a vulnerable position. For the uninformed, croquet is commonly known as a game of strategic positioning. Leaving a live ball out of position is like covering yourself in honey and walking into a bear den.
Esthelman dialed back his aggression after securing his early advantage over Lawrence. His next striking period saw him run four hoops along with two roquets for a total of three strokes. He was still yet to break a sweat nor had he shown a hint of uncertainty. Truly, he is a master of this ever-so-delicate art.
After losing his position, Lawrence made an attempt at displacing Esthelman and interrupting his snowballing lead. As he lined up his strike, game officials called a foul shot. Spectators were restless. Upon reviewing video footage, it became clear that Lawrence had committed a foul by resting the shaft of his mallet against the ground, quite a novice foul for such a renowned player.
Collegiate croquet consists of only a single game rather than the usual best of five, so Lawrence chose to resign rather than continue his resounding defeat. While he performed the customary resignation ritual of walking a lap around the court and surrendering his hat to Esthelman, tears of joy were seen in the eyes of Stanford fans. Another victory for the Cardinal!
Riding the high of his first home victory, Esthelman said he’s “excited to bring home many more wins for Cardinal Croquet.” Their next game against Cal, “The Big Putt,” will be on April 15 at the Esther Heathrow Croquet Grounds in Oakland.
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