My husband spends a ton on his outdoor hobbies and gets upset when I splurge. How do I get him to be reasonable?

The offers and details on this page may have updated or changed since the time of publication. See our article on Business Insider for current information.

Affiliate links for the products on this page are from partners that compensate us and terms apply to offers listed (see our advertiser disclosure with our list of partners for more details). However, our opinions are our own. See how we rate products and services to help you make smart decisions with your money.

• For Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions.
• This week, a reader's husband regularly splurges on expensive purchases.
• Our columnist says that having separate bank accounts for personal purchases can help set boundaries.
• Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.

Dear For Love & Money,

My husband is an avid outdoorsman. He collects guns, ATVs, dirt bikes, kayaks, camping supplies, and more.

Nothing I just listed is cheap, yet every time I want to go on a trip, buy furniture, or splurge on a fancy dinner, we suddenly shouldn't be spending any money.

I disagree. We both make solid incomes that go into a joint account, and we are well off financially, which is why I usually don't have a problem with his spending.

I am tired of watching him reward himself for working hard only to be told we can't afford for me to reward myself. How do I get him to see how unfair this is?

Sincerely,

Short-Changed

Dear Short-Changed,

Recently, a wise, self-aware friend confessed to me that while she can justify every purchase she makes as essential — a self-development conference is key to her future career, old couches must be replaced for the sake of family time, and throwing a big party is necessary community building — she doesn't view her husband's desires the same way. When her husband wants a new TV, she isn't justifying the expense with storylines about family movie nights forging family bonds.

As unfair as this attitude may sound, I call my friend wise because her confession reflects the mental math many of us are guilty of doing. I do it. My husband does it. Based on your description, your husband definitely does it.

The important thing is to recognize our tendency to see our wants as needs and our partner's wants as mere self-indulgence so we can curb this behavior. This doesn't necessarily mean curtailing our spending, although it should help.

Instead, our self-awareness must lead us to extend the same measure of generosity to our partners as we do to ourselves and the same rigorous need-or-want evaluation to ourselves as we do to our partners. To use your word, we have to be "fair" about it.

I am sure you're nodding along as you read this, but also wondering why I'm preaching to the choir. I explain your husband's probable thought process because understanding what someone is thinking is essential to figuring out what to do about it.

Once, I had a friend who lived in town; neither she nor her partner had outdoorsy hobbies or vocations that called for much hauling, and yet her husband was insistent that a pricey pickup truck was the most financially sound vehicle purchase they could make.

Rather than just admitting he liked trucks and thought it would be cool to own one, he explained how the cheap car insurance premiums would offset the higher gas costs. In fact, a more affordable car would be so dangerous and expensive in the long term that he refused to consider it. The best part of his pitch was that he believed it. Somehow, this man had convinced himself that he couldn't sleep at night with a sensible four-door sedan in the garage.

I tell this story to explain why your best bet isn't arguing the merits of your desires or pleading for fairness. Pointing out the double standard to him is unlikely to blow your husband's mind and immediately change his entire worldview. Instead, I suggest you step into your power as an equal in this marriage and stop asking for permission. Rearranging your financial setup could be a great first step.

I rarely feel like separate bank accounts are the answer to a shared life. However, in your case, putting boundaries around your respective incomes could be a great way to keep things fair.

You can both still put the bulk of your earnings into a joint bank account that covers your monthly budget while putting a portion away for your fun spending.

Make sure you agree on a definition of "fun spending," because while only one person may think new kitchen counters are necessary, everyone in the household will benefit.

As much as we desire to be in lockstep with our partners in every way, we all have our "a tow truck is the only financially smart choice" story as humans. So do our partners. Personally, I have a $40,000 pool in my backyard that "practically pays for itself in birthday party savings" (and you don't want to tell me otherwise).

Finding true equality doesn't mean eradicating all these follies from your partner so you can claim the throne of Chief Financial Decision Maker. This would also be unfair. Instead, you have to recognize that true equality is simply the fact of the matter. You don't need permission to indulge in the rewards of your hard work. The money is yours to spend. If your husband judges, scoffs, or sulks about it, that's his business.

It is one thing to negotiate whether a new bathroom or new patio is the true financial priority, but there's no world in which your husband's gun collection ranks above your beach vacation. I know this, you know this, and I don't feel like it's a reach to say that somewhere deep down, your husband knows this too.

So, if you feel your husband isn't playing fair, remember it isn't a game, and you aren't getting paid in Monopoly money. To quote the wisdom of Donna Meagle and Tom Haverford, take some of that very real paycheck of yours, and "Treat yo' self."

Rooting for you,

For Love & Money

Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.