[Two Pronged] Dealing with irritating aunts

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer:

Next month will be my mother and father’s golden anniversary. My siblings and I (we are 5) are doing the planning for this event which will have approximately 200 guests. I am not worried about all those guests, but of two particular ones.

The two of them are sisters of each parent. Both of them have the same goal of getting me married. They are single maiden aunts. Last Christmas when I saw one aunt, she said in the vernacular: “What? You’re not married yet? How do you expect to have kids if you wait too long?” (“Ano? Wala ka pang asawa? Paano ka magkaka-anak kapag maghintay ka pa?”)

She then looked around at the people listening to get their nods of agreement (which she got).

My other auntie saw me at a restaurant with my friends, patted my stomach and said something about my not eating too much or no man will marry me and didn’t I want to get pregnant before it was too late? After all, time waits for no one. All my friends fell silent. She did not even notice.

These two aunties will be at my parents’ golden anniversary. What will I do? What can I do?

Mariel

Dear Mariel,

Thank you for your email.

You are faced with one of the many problems created by differing intergenerational viewpoints. For hundreds of years a woman’s value was often measured by her marital status and childbearing. So when wishing you a successful marriage blessed by offspring, however old-fashioned that might appear nowadays, your aunts are expressing a natural and loving desire for your happiness.

When faced with advice like this, there is little to be gained in trying to convince them that they should espouse modern thinking. They are firmly wedded to their life view. Instead, you should have some prepared responses rather than relying on inspiration on the spur of the moment.

Your ready-made replies can be respectful but firm, such as, “Thanks for your advice, but I’m very happy with my life as it is,” or, “I appreciate your interest, but my plans don’t include children just now.” Alternatively you can redirect the conversation, asking them how their arthritis is or whatever is apt in relation to the discussion.

Consider recruiting support. Line up a relative and say, “If you see me cornered by the titas, please rescue me with an urgent matter.” A good wing-person, in this as in other situations, can be worth their weight in gold.

Remember that this celebration is about your parents, not you. If an aunt begins her interrogation, you can remind her, “Today is about Mom and Dad’s 50 years together. Do you remember their wedding day?” Deflect, deflect!!

Best of luck

– JAF Baer

Dear Mariel,

Thank you very much for your letter. Thank you too, Mr. Baer, for giving such excellent advice on specific things Mariel can do, thus giving me the space to discuss things the way you usually do – from the wider perspective.

In truth, this perspective is not that wide after all. It is merely underscoring that, happily, you do not read anything malicious in their behavior, just an awkward way of sending you the same message… that they never seem to tire of: Time is passing by if you want to be a mother.

I wonder if this is something they are doing more out of love, than anything else. It may be an attempt to remind you that the “married-with-children” option may not be available for much longer (in their minds) since older women usually find it more difficult to get an appropriate husband.

Their reminding you of all this in front of your friends need not be malicious, but perhaps it is the only way they feel they can get their point across: if your friends also hear the “wisdom of their words,” perhaps their agreeing will encourage you to take the message more seriously.

The best response might be Mr Baer’s suggestion that you recruit someone before the celebration to help you – except that someone might be some-twos! That would be your two aunties, whether you approach them individually or together.

I am sure they want your parents’ celebration to be successful too, so maybe you can suggest, as per Mr Baer, that you all work together to make this an event worth remembering.

You might also want to suggest you get together – again, individually, or as a threesome – to discuss your future. This way they (or each) can tell you fully and with no-holds-barred, what they really want to tell you (as can you). With any luck, this may minimize the hinting (or direct messages) about getting married and/or pregnant.

It is difficult to resort to subterfuge or guerrilla tactics if the other party has engaged you in an open manner. Besides, this may lead to an even deeper friendship with either (or both) your aunt/s.

All these suggestions and what I hope are insights ???? from me presuppose a caring attitude towards you from both. This implies all their awkward attempts are just that: awkward, not malicious; not meant to embarrass you or force your hand.

If I am wrong (and if so, I apologize for misreading your letter) then definitely other “tactics” are needed and if discussing them in some future column is amenable, please write us again.

In the meantime, I optimistically wish you the best of luck celebrating all the big events in your life, with or sans aunties.

– MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.