Goldberg Wasn’t the Only Outsider on That Message Chain
editor’s note: The Atlantic editor Jeffrey Goldberg recently published an article describing how Trump administration officials somehow included him on a Signal chain of text messages that included plans to attack Houthi terrorists. But Goldberg himself mistakenly emailed the following transcript of unreleased texts to the American Spectator. It turns out there were more individuals involved in the text message thread than had been reported.
Transcript of Mistakenly Released Text Message Chain
Vice President J.D. Vance: Socrates once said, Strong minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, weak minds discuss people.
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth: That reminds me. (Director of National Intelligence) Tulsi (Gabbard), how do you put that white streak in your hair? It is hot. (Fire emoji inserted.) Can you get Kristi Noem to do that?
National Intelligence Director Tulsi Gabbard: Oh, Pete. You scamp. Let’s focus, everyone. First, am I the only one here who thinks it’s strange that we’re discussing sensitive attack plans on an application we purchased from the same store that sells Angry Birds?
Vance: Every action has its pleasures and its price.
Gabbard: Agreed, Mr. Vice President, but we’re risking a lot by deliberating these matters on this app and have no idea who might be reading. Are we sure this chain is secure with no unauthorized personnel?
National Security Adviser Mike Waltz: 100 percent confirmed. (Followed by a smiley-faced, winking emoji.)
Goldberg: Is this some kind of joke? (Atlantic contributor David) Frum, is this you? Who put you up to this? Rick Wilson (of the Lincoln Project)?
Vance: There is no possession more valuable than a good and faithful friend.
Hegseth: All right, Mr. Vice President, should we bomb those bastards back to the stone age?
Gabbard: It’s the Houthis. Have you been to Yemen? The stone age would be an upgrade.
Vance: There is only one good — knowledge — and one evil — ignorance.
Hegseth: I know you would prefer to wait and explain to the American people our purpose in potentially striking the Houthis, Mr. Vice President. But, frankly, I’ve been SecDef for barely two months and am itching to bomb something. Anything. Nobody’s going to get upset over us bombing an armada of pirate ships.
Vance: A system of morality which is based on relative emotional values is a mere illusion, a thoroughly vulgar conception which has nothing sound in it and nothing true.
Hegseth: So, we should go ahead with the bombing?
Waltz: (An emoji of a nuclear mushroom cloud followed by 10 straight American Flag emojis.)
Hegseth: Yeah! Mike’s with me! Let’s fire up the F-18s and send those stealth, supersonic aircraft carriers that zoom coast to coast from California to China in two hours and have camouflage like the “Predator.”
Gabbard: Pete! Zip it. You’re not supposed to discuss that!
XJ—(possibly Chinese President Xi Jinping): 多少小时? (How many hours?)
Hegseth: Mike, enough with the stupid emojis.
Gabbard: I don’t think those are emojis.
President Trump: Do those Houthi pirate ships fly the Jolly Roger flag, like in those Caribbean movies?
Hegseth: Mr. President, I didn’t know you joined us. What a pleasant surprise.
Trump: Where’s my Diet Coke? I was told to use the app on this phone to get a Diet Coke delivered to the Oval Office.
Political Adviser Stephen Miller: Mr. President, you’re using the War Phone right now. You need the Soda Phone. It’s in the second drawer from the top in the Resolute Desk. Just don’t let RFK Jr. find it.
Trump: Got it. Don’t bomb any country I wouldn’t bomb. Later.
Hegseth: Did you read that? He just gave us permission to bomb the Houthis.
Vance: I cannot teach anybody anything. I can only make them think.
Hegseth: I’ve thought about this long and hard, JD. The longer we go without bombing the Houthis, the longer we go without bombing the Houthis.
BS: Can we bomb Iran? Or at least let Israel bomb Iran?
Gabbard: Who’s BS? Did someone invite Ben Shapiro?
Hegseth: One bombing of a third-world country at a time. We should make Europe pay for the bombing because they use those shipping lanes way more than we do — those ungrateful, unwashed freeloaders.
Vance: Do not do to others what angers you if done to you by others.
Hegseth: Mr. Vice President, as much as I’d like to, we’re not bombing Europe. We’re bombing the Houthis.
Houthi leader Mohammed al-Houthi: Wait, who are all you people? (Former Democrat Vice Presidential nominee) Tim Walz invited me to join his Signal chain and I somehow wound up on Mike Waltz’s chain. And why the hell did 10 aircraft carriers just appear out of nowhere off the coast of Aden?
Hegseth: Uh-oh, if we’re going to act, we must act now. We just need the final go-ahead from the man in charge.
Elon Musk: Proceed with the countdown.
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