My best pal’s husband messaged to say he had something to show me – nothing could’ve prepared me for what I saw
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my best friend’s husband messaged me saying he had something he needed to show me, and “I’d better be sitting down”, my heart sank.
We arranged to meet in a cafe for coffee, but I wished I’d ordered something stronger.
Nothing could have prepared me for the sight of my husband and best friend all over each other in our car on her driveway.
My friend’s husband told me they had triggered the doorbell camera and he had not known whether to tell me what he saw.
My friend and I had gone out with other girlfriends and were worse for wear. When she came back to ours for more drinks it became clear she’d had more than enough already so my husband offered to drive her home.
I’m 38 and he’s 39. We’ve been married for 15 years. Sadly, this isn’t the first time he has been unfaithful.
Watching the footage was grim but I could at least console myself with the fact it was my friend who made the first move. Still, my husband shouldn’t have responded.
Five years ago I discovered he’d had a four-year affair with a woman from his work.
I accepted I had been neglecting him and vowed to bring passion and excitement into our marriage by wearing sexy lingerie.
I thought it had worked but he’s obviously still straying with the slightest encouragement.
This feels like the final straw, and all the love I had for him died as I watched that footage. I confronted him and all he said was that it didn’t mean anything and was a momentary lapse.
Now all I can do is fantasise about leaving him, but I feel like I’d be letting down our two boys who are ten and eight.
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DEIDRE SAYS: What an upsetting predicament to find yourself in.
You’ve been let down badly by your husband after working so hard to repair the initial damage of his betrayal.
Rather than feel guilty about potentially breaking up your family, ask your husband to attend relationship counselling with you, because remaining in a miserable marriage certainly won’t do your children any favours in the long run.
Children pick up on unhappiness, which damages their development.
You say you no longer love your husband, so you owe it to yourself to start working out a way that you can live in happiness. And that might look like going your separate ways.
By talking to a therapist, you can explore whether there is any chance of strengthening your marriage or if you would both be better off taking steps towards ending your relationship and co-parenting well together.
Find a reputable counsellor through tavistockrelationships.org.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
I FEAR SPIKED DRINK MADE ME FORGET
DEAR DEIDRE: I’M a shy and reserved guy so it was obvious something dodgy had taken place the night I started dancing “like a drag queen” at a work party.
I can’t remember a thing about what happened and my colleagues won’t talk about it – just saying that I wouldn’t want to know.
I’m 43 and single. I’ve had a couple of long-term relationships but am not with anyone at the moment.
All I know about that night is that I started dancing provocatively then woke up in my bed alone and naked after a couple of work pals got me home.
I’ve felt, since that horrible episode, a lot of colleagues avoid me, and it’s been hard not knowing what happened.
There has been a lot of coverage about women getting spiked but I wonder if the same happened to me. I’d only had a pint and a half that night, and rarely drink more than two, but something suddenly wiped me out.
It’s been a decade since this event, and I finally felt like I was moving on – but now exactly the same has happened to me again and I’m devastated.
This time I only had one pint. The only thing my work pals will tell me is that I took my shirt off and started spinning it around my head – again, I can’t remember a thing.
I’m absolutely mortified and there is no doubt that the people I was out with that night are staying away from me.
I’ve now given up drinking in the hope that I can avoid this ever happening again. Do you know if this has happened to other men?
DEIDRE SAYS: While most spiking victims are female, spiking unfortunately happens to men, too.
For more information, the Metropolitan Police has a section on spiking (met.police.uk).
You are very wise to stop drinking. But it would also be good to go and see your doctor to rule out any other health issues.
Do you have a colleague or friend you can confide in? This experience is understandably unsettling and humiliating for you, and talking to a confidante will help.
In the meantime, if you do go out socialising again, don’t leave your drink unattended – keep an eye on it and buy your own drinks.
What happened to you was not your fault – please don’t lose sight of that.
FAMILY FORUM
DEAR DEIDRE: ASKING my wife if she’d like a cuddle is like asking a grumpy bear to come out of hibernation.
We’ve been married for 18 years and I can’t say that we were ever really swinging from the chandeliers, but our sex life has really gone downhill over the last five years.
The last time we even attempted to have sex was three years ago on my birthday. I could tell she didn’t want it. After all, I instigated it and she just lay there like a wooden post, staring at the ceiling.
I’m 54 and she’s 52.
It was so off-putting that my erection started to fail and I couldn’t perform.
I’ve asked her several times what the issue is but she simply dismisses me, saying we’re too old for that.
Or she accuses me of having a one-track mind or, worse, of being sex mad.
I’ve tried to explain that she makes me feel rejected and unattractive.
Yes, I want sex, but I also want to feel desired and wanted.
We are both on our second marriage but I’m wondering if I should walk away.
On the surface we get on well. We hardly argue and spend a lot of time together, but I feel miserable. I think my wife is happy as things are.
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m sorry that you feel so rejected. Your wife can’t continuously push you away, without explanation, and expect you to put up with it.
It does sound like she doesn’t fully appreciate how important intimacy is for any loving couple.
Explain how down you are and that you are seriously considering your next steps.
Sex isn’t just about a physical urge, it’s also about emotional connection and a sense of wellbeing.
It’s not fair that she dismisses your advances as you being “sex mad”. Ask for a proper conversation about how you can both improve your sexual relationship.
She is also at an age when the perimenopause or menopause may be affecting her libido or her enjoyment of sex.
But there are treatments available for both of these, so it would be worth her talking to her doctor.
My support pack, If She Doesn’t Want Sex, explains more.
DRUG RUINING MY LIFE
DEAR DEIDRE: KETAMINE is destroying my life – I’m in debt, my bladder is ruined and I have painful cramps.
I’m exhausted too because I wake up every 30 minutes to visit the loo.
I’m 31 years old and female and barely holding on to my admin job.
Thankfully, work has been great and let me have a lot of time off because of my mental health issues.
I’m desperate to kick this habit but that would mean going to rehab and I’d have to tell work. I’m worried they’d think I was lying about my mental health issues.
I’m getting help from a charity, but the only way to beat this addiction properly would be to go to rehab.
Could I be fired from my job for going to rehab?
DEIDRE SAYS: Firms are legally required to provide reasonable accommodation for employees with substance abuse issues.
In most cases an employer cannot fire someone simply for seeking treatment.
There are exceptions, so do get good legal advice. You can find some at rightsofwomen.org.uk.
No longer valued
DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER dedicating my adult life to my job at a children’s charity, I’m heartbroken after being cast aside.
I loved my position as the chief executive’s PA, having worked my way up through the administrative ranks over my 32-year career.
But now it seems at the age of 62, nobody values me.
My job was my life and I always worked longer hours because I was so dedicated.
I counted some of my colleagues as my closest friends and I feel so lost.
I’ve applied for a couple of new jobs but didn’t even get an answer.
I’m sure most employers discount me because of my age and yet I have such a good work ethic.
DEIDRE SAYS: This will have come as a huge shock to you and it’s natural to feel a loss of confidence.
By applying through big job notice boards and sites, you are less likely to receive a response, so try to register with agencies and get to know them.
Once they get a sense of what a hard worker you are they will recommend you for jobs that are a better fit for you.